A common assumption is that separation always leads to divorce. This is a myth! I believe that with some hard work on the part of couples, separation does not always have to result in divorce. I have worked with many couples who have used separation to improve their relationships, grow as individuals, and create more satisfying marriages.
How Can More Space for an Ailing Relationship Help?
During a crisis, such as an affair or a time when passion has dwindled in the relationship, a separation can act as a major “wake-up call.” When couples are engaged in ongoing and unresolved conflict, space can allow partners to gain distance and perhaps a new perspective on how they relate to each other. This space can help lessen bruised, hurt, and angry feelings as the relationship pattern is interrupted. A physical separation can inject new energy into an ailing and unhappy relationship.
Space Alone May Not Be Enough!
While space can be beneficial for marriages and relationships that have developed hurtful or stagnant patterns of communication, it only works if clear ground rules and goals are established for the separation. These goals must address the purpose of the separation.
Here’s What You Can Do:
- Conflict must be managed, and productive communication must begin. Partners need to listen to each other’s concerns and complaints about what isn’t working. If both partners’ attempts at communication break down into defensive battles, blame, criticism, character assaults, or withdrawal, real feelings and unmet needs will not be heard. You must learn to listen.
- Each partner must take responsibility for their part in the relationship pattern that has developed. If one partner refuses to acknowledge their role in the pattern, continued conflict is usually the result.
- Specific goals and expectations for each partner, as well as the relationship itself, must be established as part of the separation agreement. Without goals, I often hear, “We tried a separation, but it didn’t work!” With clear goals, couples can evaluate whether any change has taken place.
- Couples who “don’t fight” and make little effort to communicate productively will build emotional walls. During separations, these couples must plan regular times to meet and talk. They need to learn how to share their feelings and overcome their fear of conflict or of hurting their partners. They are already hurting because they aren’t talking, and faulty assumptions have clouded their perceptions of each other. Couples counseling can be very helpful in these situations.
A positive, proactive, and purposeful approach to separation can allow partners the time they need to determine whether their relationship can become more fulfilling.
