Is Monogamy Possible – Together for Life

30 year old couple on the couch

In our society, monogamy is considered the normal and desirable foundation of civilized life. The majority of us accept it as the standard, often paying lip service to the idea of staying with one partner as a lifestyle choice. Given that our society is highly sexualized and that opportunities for infidelity exist (should we choose to pursue them), is monogamy truly possible?

Mating for Life

In the animal kingdom, some species “mate for life.” Although this means partners live together, it does not necessarily imply sexual fidelity. Fewer than 5% of species are truly monogamous. One extreme and literal example of lifelong bonding occurs among anglerfish. According to Wikipedia, the adult male anglerfish is unable to digest food independently. To avoid certain death, he finds a female, bites her, and releases an enzyme that bonds them together for life. Over time, the male deteriorates into a set of gonads capable of fertilizing the eggs produced by the female. Although this bizarre form of monogamy is far from kind to the male, it offers enormous survival benefits to the species.

Monogamy and Homo sapiens

Does monogamy make sense for humans? It depends on the context. In the days when our ancestors lived in caves, sexual practices had a significant impact on the survival of the species. A male kept his gene pool strong by mating with multiple females, while females, who could only carry one baby at a time, faced high infant mortality rates. From a survival perspective, it made sense for males to be opportunistically non-monogamous.
However, in this decidedly pro-male scenario, females had the advantage of knowing that the babies they carried were theirs. Males, on the other hand, had no way of knowing (until fairly recently) that the offspring they were protecting were truly their own.

This paternal uncertainty may have contributed to the idea of keeping women monogamous, treating promiscuous females as social outcasts. The stigma persists today, as it is still considered insulting for a woman to be labeled with a derogatory term because of her presumed number of sexual partners.

Despite this social bias against sexual unfaithfulness, adultery is not a new phenomenon. Many jurisdictions still consider it grounds for divorce, and it is frequently cited as a reason for marital dissolution. Accurate statistics on infidelity are difficult to obtain, as many people may not be forthcoming about their extramarital activities. According to WomanSavers.com, 9 out of 10 Americans believe infidelity is wrong, yet their behavior doesn’t always reflect this attitude. Over 20% of men surveyed admitted to being unfaithful at least once, while 14% of women reported the same.

Serial Monogamy

Some people practice serial monogamy, engaging in a series of faithful relationships rather than committing to one sexual partner for life. This seems like a viable option, as young people today tend to date earlier and marry later than previous generations. Even if someone meets a compatible partner during their teenage years, the chances of staying together for life are slim (though not impossible). When considering the question, “Is monogamy possible?”, serial monogamy suggests an affirmative answer.

Polygamy as an Alternative to Monogamy

In the United States and other industrialized nations, polygamy is illegal. However, those who practice it are rarely prosecuted. Several arguments in favor of this lifestyle do make sense. Consider the following:
If the main objection to a man’s adultery is that he may leave his wife for another woman, living in a polygamous arrangement allows him to have multiple partners without abandoning his first wife (or any subsequent wives).

Women in such arrangements can share childcare duties and household chores. Wives who wish to pursue careers can do so without shouldering most of the household responsibilities themselves.

In a scenario where the male population decreases significantly while the female population remains constant, polygamy might make sense. To ensure the survival of the human race, women could share the remaining men. A more tragic situation would occur if the female population were halved while the male population remained constant.

Interestingly, very few societies embrace polyandry (where one woman is married to multiple men at the same time). Perhaps we are not as far removed from our cave-dwelling ancestors as we think.

Choosing Monogamy

The answer to the question, “Is monogamy possible?” appears to be “Yes.” It is possible to choose to remain faithful to one’s partner for life. However, this does not mean it will always be easy. People who stay faithful may cite religious or moral reasons for their decision, or they may fear their partner would leave them if their infidelity were discovered. Others may not want to expose themselves or their partners to the risk of sexually transmitted diseases.
Regardless of the reasoning behind it, the decision to remain faithful is not something one necessarily makes once and then forgets about. We are all susceptible to temptation, especially during difficult times at home. It’s also flattering to know (or believe) that someone else finds us attractive. With the demands of daily life, romance can often take a backseat after saying “I do.”

Perhaps the best approach for those wishing to remain faithful is to keep reaffirming that decision over and over again. After all, for infidelity to occur, both partners must agree to step outside their respective relationships. Staying monogamous may not always be easy, but it can be argued that it is worth the effort.

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