I used to think that everyone should have children. It seemed like the natural course of life: you’re born, go to school, graduate from college, get married, start a career, have kids, retire, and then die, right? Maybe I’m simplifying, but this does seem to be the path most people follow. My belief that every woman should be a mom was temporarily solidified once I had children of my own. Who wouldn’t love snuggling with a newborn or feeling proud when your child ties their shoes for the first time? But as I grew older, my perspective shifted. I now believe some women would justifiably choose not to be moms. If you’re considering motherhood, let me shed some light on whether it’s the right choice for you.
Things to Consider Before Motherhood
First, you need to determine how important your career outside of the home is to you. Yes, you can still have children and a career, but balancing both is often impossible. I disliked putting my kids in daycare while I worked so much that my family made a radical change. We sold our house and relocated 400 miles away to a state with a lower cost of living, so I could afford to stay home with my children. Not everyone is flexible enough to make such a bold move, but if you’d like to continue working, consider doing so from home or working when your spouse isn’t at work.
This brings us to the topic of money. Motherhood often means a reduction in income, and staying at home on one income can force you to live on a tight budget. If you work outside the home, childcare costs can eat up a significant portion of your income. Some are lucky enough to have family watch their kids for free, but be prepared to owe them favors. Be sure to choose someone you trust and who isn’t financially strained. Just like when buying a house, save before trying to conceive. Budget for expenses like clothing, food, and education.
Adjusting to the Lifestyle of Motherhood
If you love to travel spontaneously, you may want to get that out of your system before having kids. It’s not impossible to travel with children, but it’s not always enjoyable. I often laugh at friends who take very young kids to Disney World—trust me, I’ve done it. Nothing kills the magic faster than a whiny, overtired toddler who runs out of energy after just an hour at the Epcot Center. After three days at Disney, my child was so exhausted she had an out-of-body experience, telling me to “shut up.” It’s best to wait until your child is potty-trained and no longer naps every day, or pick a more relaxing destination, like the beach.
If you’re someone with OCD, you may want to reconsider having children, as they are incredibly messy. Kids spill food and drinks, and are quick to use any surface as a napkin. You’ll also deal with a lot of bodily fluids—get used to rubber gloves. If cleanliness is a top priority for you, you’ll need to adjust your expectations significantly. And if you dislike clutter, kids are notorious for that too. Designate one room for toys and baby gear to keep the rest of the house tidy.
Sleep is a wonderful thing. I remember the days of sleeping in on Saturdays and waking up to snuggle with my husband. But kids are energy vampires. You’re so busy with them during the day that by the time they finally sleep, you’re either catching up on chores or enjoying some rare “me time.” If you’re wondering if motherhood is right for you… sleep on it. Literally.
If you cherish your free time, know that you may have to put it on hold when your kids are young. I used to love going to the movies or hiking, but now it’s rare. Thankfully, my kids are old enough to hike with us. Get your fill of leisure activities before becoming a mom, because after you do, you may have to set aside some of your favorite things for a while. The good news is that having kids introduces you to new activities and allows you to share the ones you love with them.
I think being a mother is one of the most special, challenging, fulfilling, and frustrating jobs a woman can have. With proper preparation and a lot of thought, you too can take on one of the most important roles on the planet.
One Response
The assumption that, being ‘the mother’ you are the only one in a relationship who might consider reducing hours or not going to work is pretty disheartening. My partner and I plan to both work part-time if we have kids, because we both want to know and spend time with our children more than full time work allows, and we both value and want to work outside the home.
It is not only a descision for women, and childcare or grandparents are not the only choices, if indeed you are in a position to choose, for women who work outside the home. Men should also get the choice to parent more actively, and equally bear the presumption they should.