“She was unfaithful. I wonder if infidelity runs in the family… Once, she mentioned that her mother cheated on her father,” John said to his hockey buddy over beers.
Hold your horses. Before jumping to conclusions like this, it’s important to remember that each individual is unique. While offspring may resemble their parents in many ways, attributing infidelity to genetics is an unfair and erroneous justification for a partner’s unfaithfulness. “She’s just like her mother” simply doesn’t hold water.
A more fair approach would be to examine the relationship first.
- How much time and attention have you given her in the last 12 months? Are you spending more time at the office or on the golf course?
- How many times have you turned down her invitations to go out for dinner, watch a movie, or take a drive in the country?
- Are you less affectionate now than you were during courtship?
- Have you been physically or verbally abusive towards her?
- Are there financial or health problems that both of you have not addressed?
It could be that your girlfriend or wife feels that even though you’re physically present, your mind is somewhere else. The lack of emotional involvement on your part is starting to show.
Some Possible Clues
If your significant other exhibits any of these signs, it is NOT proof that she is cheating on you. However, it might be worth paying more attention to her behavior. She may be testing to see if you’ve been paying attention. What are some signs that your lady love might be stepping out?
- She no longer insists on going out to dinner or shopping with you. She’s learned to enjoy herself independently;
- She’s always hated exercise, but suddenly, she’s joined a gym and is obsessed with her diet and fitness routine;
- She’s buying sexy lingerie but not wearing it when she’s with you, and you find it neatly stacked on the dryer;
- She says she’s going out for girls’ night – something she’s never done before – and it’s happening more often;
- She’s withdrawn and not communicating as she used to. There are long silences between you two;
- She’s no longer interested in having sex with you;
- She’s given up on you in many respects. She no longer argues or tries to convince you to do anything. She often says, “It’s up to you” or “Do whatever makes you happy.”
Should I Confront Her?
The word “confront” sounds harsh. If you have suspicions but no solid proof, a diplomatic approach may be better. You could try changing your behavior slightly to see how she reacts. Be the romantic lover again: plan candlelight dinners, surprise her with flowers and gifts, enjoy tender moments, listen more, and acknowledge her opinions. In short, show her that you care. If these efforts don’t yield any positive results, it might be a sign that she has given up on the relationship and is looking for someone else to replace you. The only reason she’s still around is that she hasn’t yet found a suitable replacement. If she doesn’t respond to your advances, your relationship might be on its last leg.
However, if you have proof of her infidelity, then yes, confront her, but do so calmly. Don’t let your hurt emotions take over. Wait a few days to regain your composure, then ask to speak with her. After the confrontation, these are some possible outcomes:
- She’ll apologize, explain why she strayed, and express a desire to start fresh;
- She’ll resent the fact that you’ve been playing detective and may want out of the relationship, indicating that she no longer loves you;
- Despite her infidelity, you still love her and believe there is a chance to salvage the relationship;
- You feel betrayed and cannot continue the relationship, fearing that she may be unfaithful again.
Every relationship holds value. The emotional investment is too deep to ignore. But there are times when both parties must acknowledge that the relationship has come to an end and move on. When one partner feels that the relationship has run its course, they must find happiness again—though not too soon. People need time to recover from hurt and disappointment. The recovery process varies depending on a person’s resilience.
Life itself is a gamble. Relationships are an even bigger gamble. Some people are willing to fight for their relationships out of genuine love for their partner, but sometimes, even love cannot solve all problems. The saying that “faith moves mountains” is idealistic. Love isn’t always the answer. If you want to preserve your dignity (and sanity), it might be better to walk away from the relationship.
Ben Dominitiz, in How to Find the Love of Your Life (Prima Publishing, California), states: “Anyone who embarks on the search for his or her ideal mate risks disappointment. There’s no escaping it. Whenever we attempt a new relationship, we face the possibility of failure. Once a love affair or marriage ends, feelings of pain and rejection surface. We blame ourselves for this ‘failure’ even as we blame the other person… Thus, when an opportunity for a new relationship arises, instead of openness and enthusiasm, we become ambivalent and timid, reluctant to try again.”
A friend who has experienced a failed marriage and several erratic relationships has decided to make her own life her priority. “I like the present arrangement. We see each other as often as we can, but neither of us pressures the other. I live in my own house, and he lives in his. We don’t share anything. We take turns cooking dinner, but we don’t discuss living together or a permanent relationship. And if he’s ever unfaithful, the relationship will just end.”
Two Types of Cheating
In our view, there are two types of cheating: sexual and emotional. A cheating partner may justify their infidelity in various ways:
- Not enough sex in the relationship;
- Partner is distant and cold;
- Relationship is too stressful;
Emotional infidelity is harder to prove because partners don’t always reveal what’s happening during business trips or at the office. Emotional infidelity can be as simple as harmless flirting, but to some, it’s still considered cheating, even if sex isn’t involved. Studies show that women are more likely to be bothered by emotional infidelity, while men tend to struggle more with sexual infidelity. How each partner deals with infidelity is closely tied to their principles, values, and the stakes involved in the relationship.
