Is the Marriage Worth Saving – You’ll Know When It’s Over

Throughout the normal course of marriage, it’s absolutely normal (and perhaps healthy) to wonder—sometimes for days, months, or even years—if the marriage is worth saving. Whether it has been five years or five months since you and your spouse have made love, had a meaningful conversation, or spent quality time together, finding the answer to this crucial question is essential. One of the trickiest components of this question is that no one can answer it for you; it is something only you and your partner can decide and feel in your hearts.

There are certain situations when most people would agree that a marriage is not worth saving. When one partner is suffering from abusive, destructive, or humiliating behavior from their significant other, it’s likely overdue for the marriage to end. From the outside, few people understand why individuals stay in such harmful situations for so long. The dynamics are not much different from staying in a marriage for the sake of children or financial stability. As humans, we are creatures of habit; whether those habits are good or bad, we tend to gravitate toward maintaining them. To escape an abusive situation, one partner must experience an epiphany that sparks just enough courage to confront the uncertainty of what comes next. Even those who engage in domestic violence or emotional sabotage may derive some form of comfort from their situation. That said, when it comes to violence, there is no marriage worth saving.

One of the biggest mistakes married people make is assuming they can change their partners. People do not change unless they want to. Some grow, some don’t, and some remain firmly anchored in their personality without any desire or inclination to change. If you are staying in a marriage hoping, praying, or believing that your partner will eventually change to meet your needs, you are fooling yourself and perpetuating your own unhappiness. If a marriage is only worth saving if someone else makes a change, chances are there is really no chance of saving anything but yourself. Trying to save a marriage under such conditions is a futile investment of time and energy.

Recognizing that you can’t change other people, and understanding that a marriage should enhance your life rather than hinder it, can clarify your decision—though not necessarily make it easier. For most people, the reasons for disconnection are varied and rarely stem from a single event. Even infidelity is often not the result of one drunken night or a fleeting moment of exploration. Cheating usually occurs because there are underlying issues that felt wrong long before the betrayal. To save a marriage after infidelity or dishonesty, the victimized partner must be willing to let go. If not, the marriage may be sustained for a year or two, but it wasn’t worth saving to begin with. It’s impossible to move forward with a spouse if you are living in the past or unwilling to forgive for your own sanity. Many people demand answers to questions like “Why?” or “How could you do this to me?” and label themselves as victims of their own lives. Few have the brutal honesty to answer these questions with the truth they know in their hearts. To move forward and save a marriage after a betrayal or deal-breaking incident, you must find closure for yourself, release blame, and acknowledge that you may have had some role in your partner’s choices. No one can force another into anything they don’t want to do; what others do, including our spouses, is entirely separate from us. Remember, a marriage is about two people, not just one.

So, is the marriage worth saving? If the one asking the question feels that the benefits of being with their spouse greatly outweigh the negatives, then take measures to save it. A marriage is worth saving if both partners still love each other and are willing to amend their behaviors and attitudes to bring things back together. If only one person is willing to work on the relationship, you will be caught in a cycle of disappointment. Marriages are worth saving when both partners can acknowledge that mistakes have been made without placing constant blame, shame, or responsibility on one another. To save a marriage and move forward, a muddied slate must be wiped clean, and the past must be left behind. The past can only hurt you if you let it, and many of us focus on mistakes, regrets, or forks in the road where we made the wrong turn, blinding ourselves to the good the future holds.

Letting go of the past is difficult—perhaps one of the hardest things in the world to do. Letting go of a spouse is equally challenging, especially if children and financial stability are involved. However, unhappy couples often become miserable, grumpy, unproductive people. This negativity seeps into every aspect of their lives and is not worth enduring. Your children will never truly know the real you, and you may ignore your own passions and desires in life, preventing you from living to your fullest potential. A couple that splits often finds a newfound happiness and prosperity—both emotionally and physically. If you are better off without someone in the long term, why even try to save the marriage? Initially, the breakup can feel disruptive, making both parties feel insecure and uncertain. Still, many people find a friendship on this path to freedom that is healthier and more sustaining than the marriage ever was. It ultimately depends on the individuals involved.

Although we tend to stew over every decision in our lives, chances are we already know the answers in our hearts. Most of us are acutely aware of what is wrong, right, and possible in our own lives and have thoughts daily that provide us with accurate answers. The longer we ponder, the more we might be trying to ignore the obvious. We tend to overthink things when the messages in our minds already know what we should do and what we will do eventually anyway. Perhaps listening to our instincts and going with what we innately understand when asking whether a marriage is worth saving will save us time and further heartache!