It occurs to me as I go to withdraw cash from the bank that there is only $100 left in the checking account. My math mind tells me that I cannot get my haircut, buy new mascara, and put gas in the car for just $100. So, I am stuck in the quandary of deciding whether this ‘situation’ warrants transferring some money from savings. The truth is, we just got paid, but after adding up bills, instrument rentals, three tankfuls of gas, groceries, and perhaps a bottle or two of wine to help me get through the week… I find myself broke once again.
Sadly, I can remember a time, just over a decade ago, when money was never an issue. In fact, the only issues in life were what to wear, where to go, and how fast to get there. Back then, I couldn’t wait to have children. My husband and I would lie in bed, making love for hours on Saturday mornings, wake up only to eat, and then go back to bed. Now, it’s cartoons and cereal by 8 a.m., and morning sex happens at 5 a.m. rather than after the sun is up.
I also remember the convertible I dreamed about, which has since been replaced by a white minivan—one that has more gunk under the seats than in the wheel wells. Some days, I imagine I’m in a convertible, roll down all the windows, turn up the music, and start singing, only to be interrupted by a chorus of unruly grunts and groans from the back seats. And here I thought convertibles were supposed to be two-seaters.
Life Before and After Family
I think back to those pre-family days when meal times weren’t really “times” at all. I ate when I was hungry, drank when I was dry, and never looked at the clock. Back then, 11 p.m. wasn’t too late to leave the house, and grocery shopping consisted of buying a box of cereal, skim milk, and strawberries. Now, it takes hours to get through the store, and even with coupons, I spend at least $200 every other week on food. Who are these people that eat so much?
With experience under my belt, I now see that the desire to procreate is shaped by societal expectations and preconceived notions. The intoxicating smell of Johnson’s Baby Powder, the yearning to see your own eyes recreated in someone else. There are the dreams of the white picket fence, perfectly cut grass, and the sound of laughter echoing through the hallways of your home. All the people I knew with children back then seemed so happy, so blessed, so incredibly content with life. I couldn’t wait to have a family of my own. I crafted, through my imagination and naïve dreams, a perfect picture of life as a mom and wife.
And you know what? Some days, I sit back on the couch and wonder, What in the world was I thinking? Is this really my life?
That’s the funny thing about life. You start out wanting one thing, only to find that what you wanted isn’t really what you expected. Sadly, nobody tells you how darn hard it is to have a life of your own—to raise children, maintain a marriage, and keep up a home. I consider motherhood to be life distracted. Of course, it isn’t always a bad thing, and I really couldn’t imagine my life any other way now. But I can’t help wondering—when the kids grow up, will my life change again? Will it be what I expected then?
Raising a family and being married is the hardest thing two people will ever do. It becomes easy to lose focus under a mountain of bills and expectations. It’s also easy to lose yourself, your creativity, and your passions. Don’t believe me? Try writing this article with iCarly blaring in the background, two children fighting, and one singing her ABCs as loudly as she possibly can.
There are nights when my husband and I sit at the kitchen table, scratching our heads, wondering what the hell we should talk about. Or if we should talk at all. We’ve become more excited about American Idol and little girls’ softball games than about anything else in life—mostly because we know these things make our children happy. And although we may have forgotten what we want to be when we grow up, we definitely know what we want our children to be.
Every parent, a few years in, after the baby has outgrown the innocence and ease of being little, spends some time wondering, in the back of their mind, if this is really what their life is. There are tremendous amounts of stress, indulgent guilt, horrendous troubles, and endless worries. And yet, I know that even as I write this article and warn every person across the globe that marriage and child-rearing are NOT as glamorous as they seem, millions of people will do it anyway. Just like I did. And the truth is, while it’s often hard, sometimes frustrating, and occasionally limiting, there’s no better way to spend your life.
One last look in the mirror reveals some gray hairs, crow’s feet that look like owls have landed on my face, and frown lines that have grown from years of worry. There’s no stopping the progression of life, and not everything has turned out exactly as I planned. Yet still, I wouldn’t change a thing. How about you?
