It’s None of Your Business Mom

When does a mother butting into her grown child’s business cross the line between unconditional love and pure nosiness? When is it appropriate to tell your mother to simply butt out of your business? Is it ever appropriate?

Growing up is hard to do, and for many mothers with grown children, letting go and allowing them to live their lives on their terms is difficult. Regardless of the fact that their child is now an adult with children of his or her own, some mothers have a hard time keeping their big mouths shut and their noses out of their grown child’s business. This can be troubling, and according to Psychology Today, it can actually inhibit an adult child’s ability to learn, grow, and feel confident in their own life as a partner and a parent.

Whether it’s your mom or your mother-in-law, telling her “This is NONE of your business, Mom” is never an easy thing to do. Firstly, you know that, on some level, it will hurt her feelings. And if she’s like many people in this world, she will likely use those words against you in the future. Secondly, setting boundaries—especially as an adult—is no easy task. Most relationship experts recommend that adult children begin setting boundaries with their parents after making major life changes, such as landing a new job, living with someone, getting married, or having children. Setting boundaries isn’t about telling your mom what she can or cannot do, but rather about rearranging the rules to create a relationship that works for both of you.

Tips for Setting Healthy Boundaries

If you haven’t set any boundaries with your mom, then chances are she’s a Miss. Buttinski! She may show up at your house unannounced, snoop around, and ask you about every new purchase you’ve made. She might question how you can afford certain things or criticize the way you raise your kids. You might even reach a point where you dread sharing anything with her because you know it’ll open the floodgates to her unsolicited opinions. Eventually, this can damage the relationship between the two of you. Instead of avoiding or ignoring her, take proactive steps to set some boundaries and politely tell her to mind her own business. Here are a few tips:

1. Start out nice. Give your mom a hug and tell her you appreciate that she loves you so much, but you really need to figure some things out on your own. Point out that she raised you to be a smart adult and that she should have faith in the fact that you will make the right decisions. This approach reassures her that you love and respect her while gently suggesting that you need space.
2. Be an adult. Instead of getting angry or resentful, calmly explain to your nosy parent that her behavior makes you feel like a failure. Chances are, this isn’t her intention. Letting her know how her actions make you feel could help her change her overbearing ways.
3. Make sure you acknowledge the things your nosy mother does that you appreciate. If you try to set boundaries by criticizing or degrading her, you’ll only hurt her feelings. Remember that even though you might be frustrated by her constant questioning, you do love that she calls you every evening to say good night.
4. Be specific. If she’s overstepping boundaries, have clear examples in mind. For instance, if she comes over during dinner and disrupts your routine with the kids, point that out and ask her to visit before or after dinner. If she tends to undermine your parenting, bring it up. If she questions every new purchase you make, explain that it bothers you.
5. Don’t be wishy-washy! While you may crave independence and privacy, there may be parts of your behavior that subconsciously seek reassurance. Some adult children ask their parents for advice when they don’t actually need it, or over-involve them because they feel responsible for their mom’s happiness. If your mom has always needed to be needed and you’ve indulged that, you might be contributing to the problem.
6. If none of the gentle approaches work, be blunt. Say, “Mom, this is really none of your business!” or, “I’m not comfortable talking about this!” For some, especially those with extremely nosy mothers, this direct approach sends the clearest message.
7. Perhaps the last approach should be avoidance. If your mom is overbearing and tries to navigate your life, distance yourself physically for a while.

Letting go of children is difficult. However, unless a parent is willing to let go, the child will never flourish and bloom into the person they are destined to be. You deserve to be free from parental ties once you reach an age where you’re taking care of yourself. For many adult children, with boundaries and firm limits in place, this can be the time in life when you and your parents actually become the best of friends and truly enjoy one another’s company without the power struggle that so often defines the parent-child relationship.