It’s Ok to Disagree in a Marriage

How fabulous to finally have taken the’ vows that bind you to the person you love for the rest of your life. It is definitely a day to remember and it is filled with so many misconceptions about the road ahead that each year fewer and fewer people actually make it through. One of the first things that married couples learn is that there are bound to be disagreements in a marriage. The ceremony that changes last names, creates families and pledges eternal commitment never makes two into one! Therefore one of the first things that couples need to learn is that is ok to disagree in a marriage.

Initially disagreements can be as simple as where or whether to go out for dinner or to stay home. They can shift to larger proportions when life changes start happening, like the purchase of a new home, having children or how to deal with in-laws. The thing is that disagreeing does not indicate that the marriage is on shaky ground or that a wrong choice in a life partner was made. Many people get so upset over the fact that they disagreed with their spouse to begin with, that they almost forget what the disagreement was about. Disagreeing is natural and healthy. It shows that two beings are autonomic in thought and feel safe about sharing their feelings with their spouse. If one spouse is afraid to disagree out of fear, there is an underlying issue that needs to be dealt with.

Now that you understand that it is ok disagree with your spouse the next phase is to assess how well you and your partner disagree. No doubt some of the disagreement will cause blood pumping frustration and anger. You may wonder how in the world you married someone who can possibly feel so different than your self. You may even think awful things about the intelligence of your spouse. All of this is ok in the moment. But stepping back a bit, the disagreement should always remain respectful. If yelling, hurling books across the room or endless days of silence ensue chances are the marriage is headed for trouble. It is ok to disagree in a marriage, but it is something altogether different to be down right disagreeable.

In today’s modern relationship, both spouses are entitled to leadership roles in the marriage. When there are two leaders amicable agreement is not always going to work. The trick is to hear both sides of the story and for both partners to have equal opportunity to share why they feel the way they feel. One that is done, chances are it won’t change the disagreement, but it will give way to a solution that is suitable for both parties. By listening to the reasoning behind disagreements partners can feel comfortable compromising without feeling like they are giving over to their partners will. Additionally, discussion often unveils that the argument is really over something else than the current state of affairs. Relax, it is absolutely ok to disagree in a marriage and you will find the longer you are married- the more it will happen. Eventually married couples become adept at avoiding situations where they know disagreement will take place and sometimes this is perfectly suitable.

If there are children in the home chances are married couples will disagree with one another even more. This too is ok! Children need to learn that even adults have issues but more importantly they need to be privy to the solution process as well. It is never advised to have a knock down drag out arguments in front of children because it can cause them insecurity in their family life; but children do need to see that even their loving and perfect parents disagree sometimes. Even more beneficial is to allow children to see how two adults handle the disagreement and come up with a solution to the problem. It is imperative that children witness fair dialogue, calm voices and a drive to actually solve a problem without humiliation or disrespect. These are tools that children can use in their own life. In addition, they will see that it is ok to disagree with their siblings, friends and even parents understanding that love still exists.

Joining lives in no way joins thought patterns and feelings. It can take a life time to truly unravel the inner workings of your partner until you understand just what makes them tick. Sometimes passive aggressive behavior causes married couples to disagree for the sake of fighting or for the ability to be right. This type of behavior is normally being bull dozed by emotional hurts from the past and there is no fair way for either partner to survive emotionally. By disagreeing and taking pause to solve disagreements in a timely manner which is mutually respected, married couples are making strides to not carry emotional baggage forward in the relationship. This will help alleviate’ disagreements in the future.

The truth is that all married couples have issues that they can not see eye to eye on. Blame it on the gender difference or the different ways each partner thinks’ it doesn’t really matter. Once we a re married we should feel safe in the ability to voice our opinion and allow our partner to know where we stand on things that are important to us. By implementing a system of give and take where each partner loosens the reins of control disagreements will be nothing more than a bump in the road of a marriage. The hardest lesson is often learning that it is ok to disagree in your marriage in the first place. Once you realize that the disagreement was solved and was in no means a measure of the love that is shared, couples can recoup their senses and march to the next challenge.



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