There’s no way around it: divorce, when children are involved, is a painful and complicated process. That one time the child fell from the tree while playing (something we all experienced before the days of video games) has suddenly become the focus of an overpaid lawyer trying to win custody for her client. The other lawyer contends that this incident pales in comparison to the time their client had to leave work and rush to the emergency room, where his child was being treated after being bitten by a neighbor’s dog. Publicly, both parties submit to extensive dredging of events that date back to their own childhoods.
The Child’s Well-Being Should Come First
To make matters worse, once the awful process is complete and court-ordered custody is established, the two parents are such bitter enemies that communication and mutual interest in their child’s well-being become nearly impossible. Through it all, the child is the one who loses. He’s the one who suffers the most. Not only has his family been torn apart, but now he also bears the brunt of his parents’ animosity toward each other.
This situation is not entirely unexpected. The marriage likely deteriorated due to a lack of communication and consideration in the first place. Why, then, should the parents suddenly be expected to learn to talk and treat each other reasonably? The bottom line is this: their child deserves better—much better.
In a perfect world, the parents would eventually figure things out. They would learn to respect one another again and even rediscover the love that brought them together in the first place. But when that doesn’t seem likely, it doesn’t hurt to at least reflect on that love and remember it was once possible to exist amicably. From there, they can turn it into some form of cooperation on behalf of the young life so severely affected by their choices.
It’s important to note that there are indeed situations where one parent must break away—situations involving abuse, whether spousal or toward the child. However, this article isn’t directed at those facing such dire circumstances. This is for couples divorcing under the broad legal terms of “mutual incompatibility,” “irreconcilable differences,” or whatever term their respective court system uses to describe the dissolution of a marriage for reasons other than safety concerns. No matter how irreconcilable things were in the marriage, the child still needs cooperation from both parents.
There are many ways that divorcing parents can unknowingly victimize their child, both during and after the divorce. During the process, one parent may try to sabotage the other’s relationship with the child, creating a situation where the child will choose to stay with the “saboteur,” hoping it will weigh in their favor during the court hearings. In some cases, the lawyers might even call the child to testify, placing the unbearable responsibility of having to make one parent seem unfit. This is an event that could burden the child’s thoughts for years to come. It’s important to remember that Jimmy is already losing one of his parents in many ways. He may already blame himself for the divorce, and no matter what type of custody arrangement is ordered, he will have significantly less access to both parents.
On the other side of the divorce, the child may be used as a messenger, tasked with bearing hateful and unreasonable messages between his parents. His parents might say condemning things about each other in his presence, making him either resent one parent or doubt the love he receives from the other. There are countless other ways divorcing parents might damage their child’s emotional well-being, but one truth remains: all of these issues are entirely avoidable when parents prioritize the well-being of their child.
So how can the parents make things better for their child? The simplest answer is communication and a shared commitment to the child’s well-being. When this fails, get help. There are numerous resources available. Seek advice on where you can compromise, have someone other than the child act as an intermediary when necessary, or get professional counseling. Most importantly, talk to the child. Find out how he feels about the situation and what he needs. Just like if he had skinned his knee on the driveway, figure out where it hurts and do your best to make it better. Above all, prioritize his well-being, and find a way to make him feel safe, loved, and supported throughout this challenging time.
