As a parent, it’s heartbreaking when your child comes home in tears or emotional distress because someone at school has been unkind. Children can be cruel, often due to their unfiltered emotions and selfishness rather than intentional malice. This reality, however, doesn’t make it any easier for you or your child to learn that life isn’t always a harmonious walk in the park where everyone gets along.
The first thing parents must understand is that, aside from grandparents, no one will hold your child in as high esteem as you do. Children will face unkindness. If your child has a physical difference, even one beyond their control, some ill-mannered peer might point it out, hurting their feelings. The “sticks and stones” rhyme is misguided—words can wound deeply, often more than physical blows, with longer-lasting effects. Your initial impulse might be to track down the child who insulted your kid and retaliate, but as an adult, you must instead focus on supporting your child.
Remind your child that name-calling and unkind behavior often stem from the insecurities of the perpetrator. In an age-appropriate tone, explain that while the other child’s actions were wrong, forgiveness is valuable. Marianne Williamson’s book, Emma and Mommy Talk to God, beautifully illustrates the cruelty of children. Encourage your child to attract “more bees with honey than vinegar” by responding with kindness rather than anger.
Empowering Your Child to Stand Strong
This doesn’t mean turning your child into a doormat or denying them the chance to stand up for themselves. Instead, foster an empowered mindset where they don’t internalize others’ negative words as their truth. Building self-confidence is a parent’s primary responsibility, helping children feel good about themselves despite external criticism.
Next, teach your child how to defend themselves. At certain ages, involving an adult is the best course of action, which they’ve likely done by confiding in you. However, they also need tools to handle conflicts in the moment. If your child tends to walk away and cry, they may become a frequent target. Through role-playing and encouragement, help them practice standing up for themselves. This process may take time due to personality differences, but with persistence, they’ll gain confidence.
Children should also learn to ignore the misguided ramblings of some peers. Certain kids struggle with behavioral issues and enter school without a metaphorical “Ignore Me, I Have Issues” sign. Teachers, students, and parents are left to manage the fallout. This is a fact of life—mean, selfish, or thoughtless people exist. Teaching your child to disregard such individuals, trust their intuition, and avoid forced friendships is a powerful gift. While respect for others is important, pushing your child to befriend everyone can place them in uncomfortable situations.
Bullying, a significant issue today, cannot be ignored. Decades ago, bullying was prevalent but less recognized as a social concern. Now, laws and procedures protect children when peer cruelty escalates. If your child frequently complains about a specific peer or shows emotional distress from being mocked, you must contact the school. For older children, bullying often occurs online, such as through Facebook and other platforms, making parental navigation trickier. Monitoring your child’s online activity is essential.
Listen to your child. After initial encounters with unkind peers, their resilience may naturally grow. However, you must remain vigilant, equipping them with tools to stand tall. If you notice behavioral changes, mood swings, declining grades, or shifts in friendships, investigate further. These signs aren’t always just “growing pains”—they could indicate bullying or peer mistreatment your child is too embarrassed to discuss.
Start building self-confidence and discussing peer cruelty early. Avoid raising a child who sacrifices their self-esteem to remain overly accommodating. Life’s challenges and unkind people are inevitable, and finding a balance between life’s highs and lows is crucial. You can’t shield your child from every hardship, but by teaching them to face harsh realities early, you prepare them for a resilient future.
