Kids Talking Back – What to Do About It?

The first time your child, probably around the age of 2, decides to talk back, it may seem like an innocent enough step into childhood. You might have asked them to brush their teeth or told them they couldn’t have a cookie, only for them to respond with a mouthful of words clearly showing how unhappy they are with your authority. Years pass, and suddenly, your pre-teen child is spinning on their heels, spitting rude comments and completely focused on getting the last word. There is nothing more frustrating than dealing with kids who talk back. While it’s definitely part of the parenting journey, these moments are the slices of parenting pie that simply don’t taste as sweet.

The Evolution of Parenting and Children’s Behavior

Before you lose your patience and wallow in guilt about what kind of parent you must be to raise such a rude and disrespectful child, you must first consider how your child got this way. Sadly, it really isn’t all your fault. Soft parenting techniques over the past few decades have evolved, making parents seem less believable to their children and much less threatening. If you think about how your parents handled talking back, you’ll realize exactly why you didn’t do it. Obviously, washing their mouth out with soap is no longer a preferable option, but take a moment to reflect on how you’ve raised them.

Today’s children are often raised thinking that they are the center of the universe. Parents are taught to always consider their children’s feelings and emotions and to avoid causing long-term damage by disciplining them too harshly. We tiptoe around our children, constantly offering them chances to explain themselves, be heard, and express their feelings. When they throw tantrums, we make excuses, claiming they are under pressure and blowing off steam. When they talk back, we listen with hearts full of concern, too afraid to take a stand for fear of stifling their fragile psyche. When they react out of misplaced anger, we give them time to ‘cool off,’ regain self-control, and then sit down for a lengthy one-on-one chat, where they learn that nothing else matters except their opinions and feelings. Whereas years ago, parents could simply say “because I said so,” today we are focused on making them understand our reasoning. The result is that children feel entitled to talk back and are indulged in their mood swings, often as a result of mom and dad’s guilt. It isn’t that they are being manipulative or rude; rather, they are acting in the way they’ve been taught. What they say, feel, think, and want trumps what mom and dad feel they should be doing.

Let’s understand that allowing children time to react and ensuring they feel safe and heard at home is important. However, there comes a time when children should recognize that they are crossing a line. If they are told to do something, they should simply do it. It doesn’t matter why you want them to eat their dinner before dessert or complete their homework before playing outside; what matters is that it’s your wish, and you (MOM AND DAD) are the authority. Allowing kids to talk back in order to get their way is not a message or lesson that will serve them well in life. Their bosses and teachers won’t be as patient, and neither should you.

A child talking back to adults has become so commonplace that many parents don’t even feel embarrassed about it anymore. At any ballpark, grocery store, or park, you’ll hear children—sometimes very young ones—talking back to their parents, and the parents simply giving in. When you were a child, had you used words and tones the way they do, not only would you have not gotten your way, but you likely wouldn’t have seen the light of day for a month or so. And guess what? You learned your lesson and rarely did it. Are you scarred for life? Do you feel that your parents never listened to you? Is your psyche damaged because, when you were being rude and disrespectful, you weren’t allowed the last word?

Here’s the thing: Kids talking back to adults is just plain rude. It breaks the rules of manners and also the rules of respecting their parents as authority figures. You aren’t a psychologist, and most of the doctors who wrote those children behavior books don’t even have children of their own. The easiest way to curb this undesirable behavior is to nip it in the bud. If your child is a toddler and begins to talk back, use effective discipline that asserts your authority. You can talk about the consequences and the behavior later, but in the moment when they first begin uttering those words, you must take a stand. If you don’t, you’ll end up with a pre-teen who feels entitled to talk back at will and never learns that, in order to get respect, they must first give it—especially toward their parents.

If your child has become the leader of the kingdom of kids talking back, you need to spin on your heels as quickly as they spin on theirs and put a sharp, abrupt, and even frightening stop to the behavior. You don’t have time to take it slow by the time your child is 10 years old. Lay down the law. This doesn’t mean you won’t listen or talk to your children about their feelings and emotions. It also doesn’t mean that you ignore what they say out of anger or that you are stealing your voice. What it does mean is that talking back is NOT the way to get what they want and that your parental ears will remain wide open, as long as they offer you the respect they need. Talking back isn’t about having or not having discussions—it’s about children trying to gain power over their parents and guilt them into giving in to their will. Your child may very well be the center of your universe. You can love them no matter what. You can listen to unkind words and actions out of anger without losing hope or seeing their good side over the bad. Unfortunately, the rest of the world where they will eventually end up will not tolerate it.