Navigating Sibling Rivalries: A Parent’s Guide
The kids are at it again—for the eighteenth time today. The battle over who gets to play with the Fairy Barbie and who is stuck with the one whose feet have been chewed off is a recurring drama in your home. The real question is: should you step in to settle the argument and get these siblings to agree, or should you let them sort it out themselves? Intervening will likely make you the “heavy,” ending the bickering more quickly and saving your sanity. But is it the healthiest choice for your children? Some experts say no.
Sibling rivalries have existed as long as siblings themselves. These rivalries are often more intense than those of collegiate football teams and can last an entire lifetime. Psychologists, however, suggest that children benefit significantly from the squabbles they experience at home. Through these conflicts, they learn to barter, trade, share, and compromise with their siblings. More importantly, they develop essential skills for managing emotions from others. When parents intervene too quickly—often to alleviate their own discomfort—they may rob their children of opportunities to learn safe, effective, and amicable ways to resolve conflicts. These experiences can translate into better interactions with classmates, friends, and even help children withstand peer pressure as they grow.
Learning Through Conflict: The Benefits of Letting Kids Resolve Disputes
Psychologists caution against stepping in, even if the resolution seems unfair to one sibling. This is often the case with siblings, as the older, more dominant child may naturally take advantage of the younger, less experienced one. Instead of imposing your solution, allow the children to reach their own agreement and then coach the younger sibling afterward. Explain how fairness works so they can approach future conflicts with more confidence. Whatever you do, avoid forcing the kids to solve the problem your way.
Another advantage of letting kids work things out is that they learn to manage their moods and emotions. While a child having a bad day might get sympathy from parents, siblings are less likely to care, teaching the important lesson of expressing emotions appropriately. However, physical aggression is a different matter. Hitting, pinching, pulling hair, slapping, kicking, or name-calling are not acceptable ways to resolve disputes. Parents must intervene swiftly if physical abuse occurs, as it is never tolerated in schools or life and should not be tolerated at home. Act as a mediator to ensure safety, but also help children learn to respond appropriately when physically challenged. If a child never stands up for themselves, they may become vulnerable to bullying at school. Learning to assert oneself is a critical life lesson that can be safely practiced at home under your supervision.
Letting kids resolve their conflicts can be challenging for parents. You may want to end the argument quickly and peacefully, stepping in the moment voices are raised. Instead, try to let them work it out. Afterward, bring both children together to discuss what happened, praising them for resolving it independently. When a child frequently tattles, gently remind them to try solving the issue on their own, which can be especially difficult if they are younger.
As a parent, strive to remain neutral. Taking sides or appearing to favor one child can fuel sibling rivalry. Instead of viewing squabbles as problematic, recognize that they can be developmentally healthy. It may be tough, especially if one child seems to dominate, but this process strengthens them in the long run. Similarly, if you overreact to disputes—or if you and your partner argue in front of the kids—your children may mimic this behavior. Even young children, aware of their parents’ reactions to sibling conflicts, may use these responses to “punish” or “win” against a sibling. Trying to get each other in trouble is standard sibling behavior.
If your children cannot reach an agreement and the fighting borders on abusive, step in. Children should not learn to be victimized or bullied at home. Your role is to empower all your children, regardless of who is right or wrong. By turning a deaf ear to the noise of sibling fights and allowing your kids to work things out, your job as a parent can become much easier.
