It’s a scary proposition to allow your child to grow up, especially when they think they’re already all grown up. Kids seem to be hitting the party scene earlier and earlier, and all those parental worries that used to haunt us when kids turned sixteen are now concerns at the ripe old age of twelve. So, why aren’t we locking them up in a closet until adulthood has firmly set in? The simple truth is that without experiencing the world, they will never learn to deal with it. Letting your teenager attend parties is just another step in helping them navigate the world they have to live in.
Setting Boundaries and Expectations
Before you dive into your first full-blown, knock-down drag-out fight about it, you and your teen should have an open discussion about parties. As a parent, you need a basic set of rules to help you feel comfortable. You’ll never truly feel at ease, even if you trust your child, because you don’t—and shouldn’t—trust the rest of the world to have their best interests at heart.
Your rules should be fair, while also acknowledging that your child has to live with them. Try to balance your need for safety with the reality that your child doesn’t want to become a social outcast. For example, if you set a party curfew at 9:00 PM, they’re not likely to find acceptance among their friends when they have to leave just an hour after the party starts. However, being overly lenient just to ensure popularity isn’t in anyone’s best interest either. Aim for rules that are age-appropriate, family-appropriate, and teen-appropriate, and everyone will be able to navigate this path more easily.
Remember, you need to honestly consider the kind of kid you have. Did they come to you when their best friend was having sex and it bothered them? Do they brush everything off as “just part of growing up”? Are they responsible enough to be in charge of someone else’s toddler, or would you feel more comfortable with a babysitter watching them while they babysit? Your child may not tell you everything, but some kids will open up about what’s going on in their lives, while others will keep it completely hidden. When setting rules, it’s important to take their personality into account.
Here’s a basic outline of party-going rules you might want to consider:
- Home by midnight
- At least one parent must be present at the party
- Phone number and address of the party-thrower’s parents must be provided
- Before age 17, parents must provide transportation, even if it’s just you doing it every time because you have that rule
- After age 17, the driver’s name and phone number must be provided
Of course, you can implement your own rules as you see fit. Most experts recommend keeping rules and issues separate. Rules are set expectations that have clear consequences. Issues, on the other hand, are judgment calls that you may or may not be able to predict the outcome of. Issues include concerns like drugs, drinking, sex, violence, and other behaviors that keep us up late at night, sick with worry until the door opens and our child comes home. These worries are part of the territory when you allow your teenager to attend parties.
Addressing Issues and Keeping Communication Open
Issues can be very challenging for kids. Their friends may or may not partake in risky behaviors for various reasons, and it can be difficult for teens to determine what’s right in those situations. Maybe they didn’t drink at a party, but their three best friends are so drunk that they can’t make it home. There’s no one they can call without fear of getting in trouble.
One parent has designated herself as the “designated driver” for kids too drunk to go home. She’s discussed this with the other parents and explained that the kids need someone to call if things get out of control, without fear of parental consequences. The three parents agreed that the kids would each be allowed two “get out of trouble” calls per year, and the parent wouldn’t tell any other parents about the calls. Surprisingly, the kids only called once, and without the pressure of being judged, they found that drinking didn’t make them feel cooler. The one time they called, they eventually told their parents about what had happened.
This approach may not work for all kids, but the intent was to keep everyone safe. Having someone to call can be a lifeline, though not telling parents about a problem is risky. It all depends on the child.
Other parents encourage their teens to call home if they find themselves in trouble. Most kids will do so when they feel there’s no one else to turn to. But those who are fearful, resentful, or continuously battling with their parents may go to great lengths to hide things, including drinking, drug use, and even sexual assault.
This is just one reason why it’s essential to keep communication open with your kids during their teen years. We, as adults, need to understand that the world they face isn’t the same as the one we grew up in. When I was twelve, I was going to the roller rink for my first date that wasn’t really even a date. At twelve, kids today are facing pressures to sleep with others, and teachers and adults sometimes blur the lines between a twelve-year-old who appears “grown up” and someone who is actually an adult.
Teens who go to parties and stick to the rules are more likely to break them only when something serious is happening. Kids who feel they can talk with their parents are also more likely to be honest (to some extent) about what happens at parties. Allowing your teen to attend parties can help them develop essential coping skills, while also fostering a more trusting and patient relationship with you. Kids who are overly sheltered often experience culture shock in college or early adulthood and may find themselves in serious trouble. Allowing your teenager to attend parties helps them learn valuable life skills and teaches them how to navigate the world with support from their parents.
