How much can you tell about a woman from looking at, or getting to know her mother? Does the old expression, “like father, like son,” apply to women the same way it does to men? Is it really fair to say, “like mother, like daughter”?
In the past five decades, there has been extensive research into genetics and DNA. It’s clear that our parents pass down a great number of traits and inherent characteristics that shape the course of our lives. We inherit things like eye color and hair texture (among millions of other traits) from the genetics of our parents. But does that mean we’re all destined to turn out just like our mothers?
The mother-daughter relationship is one of the most significant relationships among women. Research shows that infants are born already attuned to their mothers. Before they even leave the womb, they are in tune with the way we smell, the sound of our heartbeat, and the tone of our voice. By the time a child is born, a very physical bond has already been established between mother and daughter. And though this relationship is immensely complex and often difficult, it remains one of the most important in the life of a female.
Women, whether related or not, operate emotionally very differently than men. This is why the relationship between mother and daughter often takes years to master. Recent studies indicate that female children are most profoundly affected by their mothers. In fact, things like body image, attitudes toward men, trust in life, and dreams of success are often nurtured (or stifled) by the mother-daughter bond. A daughter who feels empowered by her mother is more likely to feel empowered in life. Conversely, a daughter who feels rejected by her mother may struggle with feelings of unacceptance from others—and even herself.
The Influence of a Mother
Young girls grow up learning how to be a mother, a wife, and everything in between by observing how their mothers navigate life. It seems almost inevitable that a conniving, evil, or unfaithful mom will raise a conniving, evil, or unfaithful daughter, right? An abusive mother will raise an abusive daughter, right? The problem with these assumptions is that little attention is given to how the daughters themselves feel. Just as a young girl can grow up wanting to emulate her mother, she can also grow up determined to be nothing like her. For many women who grew up in dysfunctional or abusive households, the desire to avoid becoming like their mothers is a driving force that motivates them to succeed.
Paula J. Caplan, Ph.D., author of The New Don’t Blame Mother (Routledge, 2000), an anthropologist, and expert on human development, says that mothers are subconsciously programmed to expect their same-sex children to become replicas of themselves, including in lifestyle and behavior. However, research on the mother-daughter relationship reveals that it is evolutionary and ever-changing, like the ebb and flow of tides. While daughters may sometimes strive to separate themselves from their mothers, they also feel an innate need to maintain a deep biological connection with them.
Let’s face it: there is a lot of research being conducted on the mother-daughter dynamic. But is it fair to say, “like mother, like daughter“?
From a superficial standpoint, it is fair to assume that if you know a woman’s mother, you’ll learn a lot about her. You may even get a glimpse of what she will look like when she’s 65 years old. If the mother is difficult to deal with, there is a genetic likelihood that the daughter might be, too. If the mother has a big butt and began to wrinkle or gray at a young age, the daughter might inherit similar traits. Certainly, every person is affected in some way by the genetics of their parents. But it is unfair to assume that just because a person is born to a particular set of parents, they will end up exactly like them.
The truth is that growth and development are shaped by many factors in life. If your mother grew up during the Depression and is stingy or insecure in her efforts to find satisfaction in life, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be the same. Especially if you grew up in a world that was secure and successful. Each person is shaped by their own experiences, and experiences are not embedded in a person’s genetics. Just because one person perceives or feels things one way (even if there’s a reason for it) does not mean their child will necessarily share the same perspective.
One of the most beautiful things about the mother-daughter relationship is that the daughter can learn from her mother’s mistakes and missteps—if she chooses to. As a free-thinking individual, her life will undoubtedly differ from her mother’s, should she choose it to. But, yes, she may still inherit the big butt or the heart problems.
