“You look as beautiful today as the day I met you.”
“Of course you don’t look fat in that.”
“I’m not angry.”
“I wasn’t looking at her; I was just noticing her boots.”
Little white lies in a marriage are something that every couple deals with, whether or not they are aware of it. These tiny lies seem so harmless, and every married person has stretched the truth or covered up an almost innocent action with a little white lie. But are they really harmless? Some experts claim that a small percentage of white lies can actually decrease relational stress, while others argue that lying of any kind is bound to cause problems.
The Consequences of Little White Lies
One of the downsides of telling those life-saving little white lies is that they are completely subjective. What qualifies as a harmless lie, and what constitutes a serious one? A white lie is defined as an act or statement of deception. So, perhaps the best way to assess whether your little white lies are harming your marriage is to evaluate the purpose behind your need to deceive.
The most common little white lie often arises in response to the age-old, argument-provoking question: “Do I look fat in this?” The automatic reply is, “Of course not, honey.” But why? Let’s say the outfit in question makes her look about ten pounds heavier. Do we tell her she looks great because we are trying to deceive her for our own benefit, or for hers?
If we tell her the truth, what does anyone gain? She might end up with hurt feelings and the sense of being too heavy, even if only temporarily. Even if she looks great, being honest could still cause her feelings to be hurt. Do we say she looks great to avoid the response? Possibly. But what act of deception have we responded to—her feelings or our own inability to deal with the potential fallout, which might include tears? If your only motivation is to prevent her from feeling hurt and to keep her feeling attractive, you probably haven’t done much harm.
Now, what about when she asks who that person was you were talking to while she was in the restroom, and you say, “Just someone I used to know”? Calling her your previous girlfriend may not go over too well, so you lie. But why? Are you trying to spare her feelings, or are you avoiding the twenty-question game that will likely lead to jealousy? By omitting the past you shared with this woman, you’re also withholding a part of your life—one that she will likely want to know about through your experiences. Did your little white lie harm your marriage? Probably, if she never finds out, and definitely if she discovers the truth.
Little white lies in a marriage can blur the lines between respect, honesty, and valuing each other’s thoughts and feelings. Where do these little white lies go when they become a way of life or grow into much larger deceptions? While you’re not trying to hurt your spouse’s feelings, lying can easily destroy the fragile balance of trust in your relationship. It can lead to doubt, serious doubt, which can erode the foundation of your marriage. If it gets bad enough, your relationship can turn into a guessing game—even during those important heart-to-heart conversations.
Little white lies are bound to happen. Nobody is completely honest all the time. Sometimes we tell a little white lie for our benefit, and sometimes it’s for someone else’s benefit. We say we prefer the truth, but is that how we react when we receive it? For example, how would you respond if someone told you that you shouldn’t leave the house in the outfit you thought made you look sleek, cool, and hot? Even if you later realize you appreciated the honesty in the privacy of your bedroom—where you had plenty of time to fix the problem—your initial response would likely still be emotional, with hurt feelings. That’s difficult to navigate when you’ve been adamantly asking for the truth, only to cry or pout when you get it.
A little white lie doesn’t always need to be spoken. Is faking an orgasm a little white lie? Doesn’t that set up both partners for a lifetime of disappointing sex and possibly even sexual resentment? By the time you reach this point, you may have forgotten that your relationship got to this place because of that first “fake” moment.
It’s not easy to be completely honest because there are emotional consequences to our open and honest responses. If we were all to try being completely truthful for just one day, many of our relationships would likely suffer. Who wants to hang around with someone who’ll tell them they need to drop those last ten pounds or that their singing in the car makes the neighborhood cats run for cover? These are not constructive comments; they’re hurtful.
When opting for little white lies in a marriage, be sure you understand your reasons for lying and that you’re doing so only when the truth will undoubtedly hurt your spouse’s feelings. However, hurt feelings with a potential resolution are not the same thing. When telling little white lies, your emotions shouldn’t be driving the decision. Lying out of fear—fear that your spouse might get upset, angry, or threaten to leave—is not a healthy way to manage the truth. If fear of rejection is influencing your decisions, your marriage likely has deeper issues than can be solved by a few harmless-sounding lies.
If you find that your spouse has been telling you a series of little white lies, don’t insist they stop unless you can truly handle it. While I personally prefer knowing that I won’t leave the house looking like Mr. Rogers dressed me during a bad day, I am more sensitive about issues involving my body. Therefore, my partner and I have an understanding about which little white lies in marriage are beneficial and which ones are more likely to cause harm. This understanding and our willingness to talk about it keep the little lies in perspective and ensure that larger, more damaging lies remain off the table.
