Chances are, you know many people today who are going through a “rough patch” in their marriage. But when is that so-called “rough patch” actually a dysfunctional marriage in disguise? And, perhaps more difficult to understand, is whether a marriage is truly dysfunctional at all?
There are some pretty strong signs that suggest a marriage needs work, but is it dysfunctional? The word “dysfunctional” in regard to relationships is defined as “characterized by a breakdown of normal or beneficial relationships between members of the family group and/or a trait or condition failing to serve an adjustive purpose.”
And that pretty much leaves nearly all of us in the category of living in a dysfunctional marriage at one time or another. Here’s how it happens!
Some marriage experts suggest that the reason many marriages end up dysfunctional is because couples enter them without any real idea of what to expect. Relationships, regardless of their type, often start with a honeymoon period that typically lasts about 18 months. So, essentially, for the first 18 months of a marriage, everything seems perfect. But then, as couples begin to see each other for who they really are, the next phase can be tumultuous. This period leaves many couples wondering if they made the right choice in their partner. Arguments increase, narcissistic traits emerge, and a battle of wills begins. While this can feel like a huge letdown compared to the loving early days, the truth is that this is simply the “communicative work” period. Couples either work through it, gaining communication skills and finding ways to handle their life together, or they don’t.
The “Work” Stage: Where Marriages Are Made or Broken
As the real “work” stage of marriage continues, couples have one of two possible outcomes. The first is a respectable marriage, built on love, respect, and communication. The second, however, is often a marriage filled with resentment, poor communication, and emotional disconnection. If a couple isn’t willing to put in the work to effectively communicate (rather than constantly fighting), egos take over, and the marriage becomes dysfunctional. But why does this happen?
For one thing, the two people stop functioning as a couple and begin to operate as individuals. This becomes evident through the following traits:
- One spouse comes home and retreats to the bedroom rather than spending time with family members.
- Avoidance of intimacy, or using sex as a form of punishment.
- One person gives the impression that they don’t “enjoy” the marriage or family life.
- Constantly negative communication, including insults both privately and in public.
- Frequent mood swings, snapping at family members as a form of control.
- Not pulling their weight around the house and expecting everything to be done for them.
- Rarely thinking of their partner—like not making a sandwich for their spouse while making one for themselves.
- Stunted communication where conflicts are never resolved. Even simple conversations become battles of will or emotionally painful exchanges.
- Lack of support or interest in family members’ activities unless those activities include them.
Over time, this behavior leads to a completely dysfunctional marriage. Additionally, being married to someone who struggles with alcoholism, drug addiction, anxiety disorders, psychological conditions, or depression can cause a marriage to become dysfunctional, even if the issues are one-sided. These problems bleed into the family unit and, especially, affect the spouse.
So, Do You Leave or Do You Stay? That is the Question.
Most people today simply leave. They go to an attorney’s office and start dividing assets without fully understanding what went wrong. This often leads to the phrase “irreconcilable differences.” However, a more accurate phrase might be “unrecognizable differences.” Most issues in marriages stem from a failure to communicate, and both spouses are unable to see themselves as wrong or their partner as right. When arguments become about winning, rather than finding amicable compromises, the marriage becomes dysfunctional.
Relationship specialists believe it is very possible to restore functionality to a marriage. However, both partners would need to go back and address the “work” stage of their relationship that they neglected earlier on. This means improving communication, being honest, and learning to be respectful—even when you disagree. It also requires learning how to compromise, understanding that a marriage is not about “your way or the highway.” Moreover, it’s crucial to realize that marriage will not always be perfect, nor will it always be easy. Some people are so disappointed by the conflicts in their relationships that they believe the marriage failed long before it really did.
And then, there are situations where leaving is the best option. Many couples find that one partner is willing to put in the work, while the other remains defiant and refuses to change. No matter how much you love someone, or how much they love you, you cannot change people. Change has to come from within, and it must be driven by a genuine desire to improve. If your spouse is unwilling to make changes in their life or the relationship and seems content in a dysfunctional marriage, you may need to take matters into your own hands and do what is best for you.
Be realistic, first and foremost. Today, few relationships—even the good ones—fit into the neat and tidy box of what is considered a “perfect marriage.” There is plenty of dysfunction in all of us that we bring into marriage. Ideally, our partners—who love us and married us for better or for worse—are willing to overlook some of our faults and frustrating traits in order to make the marriage work, just as we do for them. But if holding onto dysfunction becomes more important than finding equitable and loving solutions, your situation will likely never improve.
