Long Distance Relationships (LDR): A Test of Endurance and Love
LDR. Yes, folks, that’s the acronym for long distance relationships. So if a friend says, “You’re in one of those LDRs, huh?” you’ll know exactly what they mean. It’s a heartbreaking situation, no doubt. A dozen emails a day and several phone calls a week are just not the same as having your beloved physically close to you. When the distance involves a plane ride, or crossing over the Atlantic or Pacific Oceans, it’s even more heartbreaking. Besides, how often can you afford to cross over without breaking the bank?
Yet, some people will accept the separation. If the other person is worth it and is someone truly special, a long-distance relationship shouldn’t be a major barrier. We admit it’s a huge inconvenience and does generate emotional emptiness, but it doesn’t mean the love between two people can’t flourish just because thousands of miles separate them.
The Key to Making LDRs Work
It’s all about attitude. If you’ve got a healthy and positive outlook on long-distance relationships, then half the battle is already won. The key issues here are endurance and fidelity.
This much we know: if a loved one is far away—whether the two of you met in one place but live at opposite ends of the continent, or if one of you is assigned to another country—there’s a need to sit down and discuss the impending separation. That’s the first step.
Secondly—and this is especially for the ladies—if he doesn’t ask you to join him or doesn’t plan to send for you later, then you should accept the fact that he might not be as invested in the relationship as you are in him. It’s a bitter pill to swallow, but men, in general, tend to make decisions more rationally and without agonizing too much, unlike women who often take much longer to move past a difficult situation.
So ladies, if he doesn’t extend an invitation, don’t chase after him. It’s as simple as that. You’re not going to jeopardize your career or risk being separated from your family and social systems just to be with him, especially when there are no guarantees that things will end up like a fairytale. If a man truly loves you, he’ll move mountains to be with you; if he’s only half-hearted about the relationship, it might be a long wait before he even lifts a finger. In fact, there’s a strong chance he won’t lift a finger at all, because in his mind, there are “other damsels in distress.”
It could happen, however, that when the time comes to depart, he’ll accept the separation as inevitable and just have to move on with his life. But a couple of months later, he might realize he can’t live without you. So he’ll call, charm you with emails and phone calls, and if necessary, come and pick you up. This is what we all secretly hope for. If this happens, then chances are you were meant to be together. If not, you still have your life, your sanity, and your dignity. You move on.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder… of others, that is. Only time will tell if the LDR translates into something more meaningful. Only time will tell if love exists between you two. Only time will tell if you’re ready for a new flame. The truth is, the LDR could be a blessing in disguise or a test of durability and Olympic endurance.
Fein and Schneider (The Rules, 1997) made it clear. If you happen to meet a man at a wedding in Montreal and he lives in Toronto while you live in Vancouver, and you spend five hours with him—dancing, having dessert, walking the wedding grounds, and even having dinner together—he’ll know he has you hooked without much effort. He may lose interest because you’re no longer a challenge. Remember, primitive man was first and foremost a hunter. Once he captures his prey, he looks for the next one.
So if you meet someone at a wedding, don’t spend five hours with him, no matter how strong the chemistry is. Spend time with your other friends instead!
Stay Tuned, But Don’t Overdo It
By “staying tuned,” we don’t mean being on your keyboard 24/7, composing those gooey love notes or running up your phone bill—even if you manage to negotiate the weekend or midnight rates. This ritual could scare the daylights out of him. If he likes you, he’ll initiate communication.
Here’s another scenario: you’re already in a great relationship with someone, but then he gets called away on a mission or has to be out of the country for, say, 12 months. One relationship expert says that nothing beats effective communication. If two people are in love, the lines of communication must consistently stay open and honest. The texture of the relationship, she says, will likely improve if both people share their feelings.
Next to communication, there’s another virtue that also begins with a “C”—commitment. There must be an explicit demonstration of this commitment by both parties. Not that you should be booking plane tickets every weekend—if that’s financially infeasible—but the frequency of communication will indicate this commitment. Are you making plans for the future? Are you thinking of resettling in a new country? Is he asking his company to consider bringing you over? Most enlightened companies know that their employees are more productive when they’re emotionally stable.
We mentioned fidelity earlier. It’s important that if you truly care about the relationship and each other, trust should be inherent and not cause any mental anguish. LDRs are risky endeavors, so both parties need a lot of reassurance.
The same relationship expert also suggests that the LDR must be an opportunity to develop independence. Each person should learn to develop an independent self, while also fostering a healthy dose of dependence on the other person. Striking the right balance between the two is essential.
All other qualities in check, mutual respect will naturally follow. It’s heaven to be in love with someone, but when you also respect that person, love takes on a more sublime meaning. Everyone loves a lover, but when you become the best of friends after the passion of love has cooled, that’s like a bonus sent from above.
Going back to the Rules experts—Fein and Schneider—they tackle the “what if he gets serious” angle. Both are fairly strict with their rules because they understand the weaknesses of some women. Here’s their advice:
“If things get serious, he might bring up the future and ask if you would ever consider relocating. Reply, ‘I haven’t really thought about it.’ Until he actually proposes and gives you a ring, be vague. There’s no reason to look into selling or renting your apartment, or asking for a job transfer to his city, or finding a job in his city if he hasn’t formally proposed.” (The Rules II, by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, Warner Books, 1997)
How to Cope with the Separation
You’re here, he’s there, but your thoughts are everywhere. Contain those thoughts and focus on putting meaning into your own life. Pick up from where you left off. Much as we dislike this corny phrase—because our company always used it in their slogans—we’ll say it anyway: be proactive. Be proactive for yourself, not for him.
And men, we don’t mean to exclude you. We know you’re just as affected by LDRs. If you’ve got a lady who you want to keep forever but she’s jet-setting across the globe or has been reassigned to Lisbon or London, be proactive yourself. Go fishing, if that’s an activity that heals and calms you.
Suggestions for Coping When Your Significant Other is Far Away
- Get involved in your community. People always need others. Volunteer your services, and who knows? You might get lucky and make new friends! For example, if your community center offers computer courses to seniors who think a mouse is only a household pest, share your expertise.
- Always wanted to learn woodworking? Now’s the time.
- Double up on your fitness routine. Physical fitness fosters mental and psychological well-being. Surely you’ve heard this wisdom before!
- Call your favorite buddies: play poker, hit a few rounds of golf, or practice some hockey or archery. For the women, take long, therapeutic nature walks—either alone or with a close friend.
And to the question—do long-distance relationships work? The honest answer is: sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t. It depends on how much both parties are willing to commit and whether they can make the relationship not only enduring but also happy and healthy.
