Looking Up Old Flames

single male

Technology has made it possible to reconnect with just about anyone in the world. A fleeting person from your life who gave you pause to think, or a long-lost boy or girl friend you lost track of after high school, can now be as close as your inbox. Facebook, MySpace, and Google (thank goodness) make it easy to search for and find anyone who has ever existed. While this technology is helpful for the curious, it can also become a distraction from your day-to-day life and relationships.

Relationship counselors are seeing more people living in a world framed by a plasma computer screen. Beyond this screen lie dreams and aspirations, as well as a way to build relationships that, while real, lack the binding commitments of real-world connections. These interactions can prompt many to pretend to be something they aren’t—so convincing that they may come to believe in their double life. Most people start looking up old flames merely to satisfy their curiosity. Then, suddenly, you and that person can almost pick up right where you left off.

Certainly, not everyone looks up old flames with the intention of engaging in a virtual affair. Many reconnect simply to say hello, swap photos, and share inside jokes or stories, often without speaking again for years. Still, most people have that one person in their life who makes them daydream and wonder about what could have been. If you look this person up and find the conversation enticing, would you have the willpower to set it aside? Chances are, since this form of emotional cheating is not physical, many believe they aren’t doing anything wrong. However, their partner may feel differently, especially if intimate details, woes, or complaints about their current situation are shared. Suffice it to say, looking up old flames, no matter how innocent it may seem, can be dangerous.

Why do people do it? First, there is the natural curiosity. Second, there may be an underlying void in their lives. You might remember something this person used to do for you—something you desperately wish your spouse would do. Ironically, that very thing may have been the reason you and your old flame didn’t last in the first place. Yet, here you are, smiling at your computer screen or exchanging cell phone numbers with gleeful anticipation of reconnecting. It feels innocent, but it’s bordering on dangerous!

If you find yourself looking up old flames and surfing the net to see what past loves are doing, consider reflecting on your current relationship. What is missing? What conversations are you avoiding with your spouse? What feelings are lacking in your current situation that make it seem okay to venture into dangerous territory? If you’re still unsure whether what you’re doing is wrong, think about whether you’ve shared this reconnection with your spouse. If you haven’t, believing it’s an insignificant detail best left idle means you’re battling with your own conscience. If you have shared your recent reconnect or the fact that you’re looking up old flames, ask yourself if you’ve been completely honest and open about it. In other words, if you’re hopping online as soon as your partner falls asleep, chances are you’re hiding something. These little white lies are often the first sign that something in your relationship isn’t working. In many ways, it would be easier to fix what is slightly broken before adding new pieces to the puzzle.

Why you are doing it is a question only you can answer. Many people fool themselves into thinking they’re merely being curious or nosy, without realizing they’re fishing for some excitement in their lives. Be honest with yourself; if you think you’re trying to mask a real-life issue, deal with that first before engaging with an old flame, even fleetingly.

There isn’t always something wrong with looking up old friends or flames. It really depends on the relationship you had with that person. If you’re searching for someone who devastated you more than anyone else, try to figure out why. If you feel you have unresolved issues from a past relationship, at least be honest about it with your current partner. This way, they won’t feel threatened or deceived if they find out—because they will, eventually.

As if relationships aren’t difficult enough, technology has added a twist to the mix. With access to seemingly any person in the world, the pool of potential partners suddenly gets much larger. It’s also easier than ever to meet up with old friends and flames who were part of your past. The key word here is “past”! Remember why that person is in your past and not in your future. If you’re completely happy with your current status and are simply curious, then do so—but be upfront with your partner. Imagine how you would feel if you discovered that your beloved had been connecting with an old flame and hiding it from you.

Looking up old flames can certainly be fun, but use caution, honesty, and make sure that you remain present in your physical, non-virtual life above all else.

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One Response

  1. what total nonsense. What difference does it make whether you look someone up on Facebook or you just lay in bed on a Saturday morning thinking about them? You’re still thinking about them.

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