Looking Up Old Flames

Technology has made it possible to reconnect with just about anyone in the world. Some fleeting person in your life who gave you pause to think or a long lost boy or girl friend who you lost track of after high school can now be as close as your inbox. FaceBook and MySpace – as well as Google (thank goodness) make it easy to search and find any person that has every existed. This technology while helpful for the curious can also become a distraction from your day to day to life and relationships.

Relationship counselors are seeing more and more people living in a world that is fronted by a plasma computer screen. Beyond this screen, lie dreams and aspirations as well as a way to build relationships that in truth aren’t real. Wait, they are real so far as you can chat and share with other people but they are without all the binding restrictions that your real-world relationships have. They also prompt many people to pretend that they are something they aren’t, so convincing in fact that the person can believe in their double life. Most people, start looking up old flames just for the sake of satisfying curiosity. Then suddenly, you and that person once reunited can almost pick up right where you left off.

Certainly not everyone looks up old flames with the intention of a virtual affair. Many old flames connect, say hello swap photos and share their inside jokes or stories without every speaking again for years. Still, most people have that one single person in their life that still makes them daydream and wonder about what could have been. If you look this person up, find the conversation enticing would you have the willpower to set it down? Chances are, that since this form of emotional cheating is not physical, most people believe on some level that they aren’t doing anything wrong. Their partner, may feel differently especially if they are sharing intimate details, woes or complaints about the status of their present situation. Suffice it to say, that looking up old flames no matter how innocent can be dangerous.

Why do people do it? First, there is the curious wondering. Second, there is probably an underlying void in their life. You remember that certain something this person used to do for you. It may be the very same thing you desperately wish that your own spouse would do. Its funny, but that one little thing may have been the exact reason that you and your old flame didn’t make it to begin with. But suddenly, there you are smiling at your computer screen or exchanging cell phone numbers with the gleeful anticipation of reconnecting. Still innocent but bordering on dangerous!

If you find yourself looking up old flames and surfing the net to see if you can find out what old loves are doing, you might want to think about your current relationship. What is missing? What conversations are you avoiding with your spouse? What feelings are missing from your current status that make you feel like it is okay to border on dangerous. If you still aren’t sure if what you are doing is wrong, consider whether or not you have shared this reconnect with your spouse. If you haven’t, feeling as if it an insignificant tidbit of information that is best left idle you are battling with your own consciousness. If you have shared your recent reconnect or the FACT that you are looking up old lives ask yourself if you have been completely honest and open about it? In other words, if you are hopping online as soon as your partner is fast asleep, chances are you are hiding something. These little white lies are often the first signal that something in your relationship is not working. In many ways, it would be easier to fix what is sort of broken before you add new pieces to the puzzle.

Why you are doing it is a question only you can answer. Even so, many people fool themselves into thinking that they are just being curious or nosey without realizing that they are fishing for some excitement in their lives. Be honest with yourself, and if you think you are trying to mask a real life issue, deal with that first before you get involved with an old flame even fleetingly.

Also there isn’t always something wrong with looking up old friends or flames for that matter. It really just depends on the relationship that you had with that person. If you are searching for the one person in your life that devastated you more wholly than any other try to figure out why. If you feel you have some unsettled business from a past relationship, then at least be honest about it with your current partner. This way, they won’t feel threatened or deceived should they find out (which they will eventually).

As if relationships aren’t difficult enough, technology has added a twist to the mix. With access to seemingly any person in the world, the world of potential partners suddenly gets a lot larger. It is also easier than every to meet up with old friends and flames that may have been part of your past. The last word in that sentence is important’…past! Try to keep in mind why that person you are reconnecting with is in your past and not in your future. If you are completely happy with your current status and are innocently and honestly just curious then do so AND be upfront with your partner. Imagine how you would feel to happen across the fact that your beloved other has been connecting with an old flame and has hidden it from you. Looking up old flames can be fun there is no doubt about that! But use caution, honestly and make sure that you remain present in your physical, non-virtual life above all else.



One Response

  1. what total nonsense. What difference does it make whether you look someone up on Facebook or you just lay in bed on a Saturday morning thinking about them? You’re still thinking about them.

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