We get it. You’re lonely and ready to date again. You’re excited about the possibility of falling in love and being in a solid relationship, or perhaps you’re just looking for a good time. Either way, if you have kids, it’s unethical to neglect telling a potential boyfriend or girlfriend about them right away.
Everyone knows that having kids can complicate dating. Some people are put off by the idea of possibly becoming a stepmother or stepfather in the future. They may say they didn’t sign up for it or that they don’t want to take on that responsibility. But guess what? Those people aren’t right for you. You have kids, and you need to own that fact, putting your flesh and blood above all else.
But what if you don’t? What if you lie? The consequences can be devastating for everyone involved.
The Consequences of Hiding the Truth
For You
Maybe you meet the love of your life online or while out on the town. Perhaps you hesitate to mention your kids for fear of scaring them away. But what if you gave them the benefit of the doubt and assumed they were a decent person? As we mentioned before, if they don’t want anything to do with kids, they’re not right for you. You can’t reverse parenthood—the kids are here to stay. However, if you meet “the one” and don’t mention your kids, and they find out later, they’ll think you’re a liar and ditch you on the spot. Then what? You’ve lost the chance at a lifetime of love and romance with the person meant for you. Don’t screw it up!
For Him/Her
This isn’t a game. The person you’re dating is just like you—lonely and hungry for love. They have feelings, and toying with them is wrong. Letting someone fall head over heels in love with you and then revealing that you have kids later on can devastate them. Not only that, but you’ll gain a reputation as a lying jerk. With social media today, word will spread quickly, and you’ll be lucky to get another date. On top of that, your kids might find out that you denied their very existence.
For Your Kids
Nothing could be worse for a vulnerable child than discovering their parent has been pretending they were never born just to manipulate someone into loving them. Children of single parents are already fragile due to divorce or the loss of a parent. You must consider their emotional state when bringing someone new into the picture, especially if that person may eventually become a stepparent.
For Your Friends and Family
Integrity is key. Do you really want to attract someone who doesn’t like kids? Someone who doesn’t like your kids? Someone who won’t be the best parent they could be to your children if you end up married? If you lie to get someone to date you, your friends and family will find out. Then what? Your reputation as a liar will be cemented. Sure, family and friends are supposed to forgive missteps, but they won’t forget. Moreover, these people likely love your children and would be horrified to know you’ve been pretending they never existed.
For Your Ex
Granted, you may not care what your ex thinks about you, but you did create life together. That life—the children—is something you both love and cherish. It may be the one bond you still share. If you lie about your kids’ existence to someone you date and your ex finds out, you’re only giving them the satisfaction of knowing they made the right decision in ending their relationship with you. You’re also causing them more pain by denying the one thing you both can be proud of. If hurting your ex is your goal, spare all the other single people out there and live a life of solitude.
Clearly, there’s no good reason to lie about having kids when dating—or lying for any other reason! You can’t build a solid relationship on lies, especially about something as important as your kids. Sooner or later, your new partner will find out, and maybe, if you’re lucky, they won’t mind that you forgot to mention your children. But beyond that, your kids, friends, family, and ex will all eventually learn about your dishonesty. Is it worth the risk? Could you ever forgive yourself for denying your own children?
Do the right thing. Be upfront when reentering the dating world. If you create a profile on an online dating site, mention your kids. When you approach a potential partner, mention your kids. When you meet up for a first date, mention your kids. If things progress, mention them often, and maybe your new sweetheart will fall even deeper in love with you for being such a caring, invested parent. Remember the famous line about the tangled web? It’s in your control to keep things honest. Blood is thicker than water, and your kids deserve to come first.
7 Responses
I’m reeling right now. Most of the articles I read are about men denying they have children. My online dating profile mentions that I have two kids. I have been seeing a woman for almost 3 months, and after saying that she didn’t have kids, she just admitted to having a 7 year old daughter. I’m absolutely devastated that she lied to me, and I’m also having serious doubts about wether I want someone who can deny the exsistence of their own child to be around my kids.
Wow so many things I read & disagree with in this article! Totally it’s the right thing to do, to mention you have children, but I haven’t in the past & have had wonderful short-term flings that I ended. Everyone is not out to meet the love of their life?! Because seriously even before my children, I had dated many men & being in my late 30s now have only been in love twice. I don’t feel the need to tell every random about my kids when I first meet someone. But If I did have an online profile I would mention it. My ex wouldn’t care nor judge me for not mentioning my kids to a random I date. Also, I would have to be dating someone for years before even considering “step parent status”. People break up with people everyday for various reasons, I can tell at initial meeting with someone if I’m going to date them long-term or not, if not I don’t always disclose my kids and there’s no harm done as it’s only been passing fun! Everyone you go on a date with isn’t going to be the love of your life or your kids next step dad😆 Each mother should do what’s best for her and her children. Every man you meet is different & I feel it’s entirely up to the individual, if you can tell it won’t go anywhere long term… How much you disclose.
Terrible outlook on life smh.
You sound like a complete moron! Of course if you’re just with someone just to have a fling with you’re not going to tell him about your kids if you know you’re just with him for a short time. This article talks about serious relationships not friends with benefits.
My take on this is that honesty is key. No one wants to deal with someone who’s a liar. I agree with much of the article but how some of it was narrated not so much.
For example, take the part where it says, “Maybe you do find the love of your life online, or while you’re out on the town. Say you don’t want to mention your kids to said person for fear of scaring them away. But, what if you gave them the benefit of the doubt and assume that they’re a decent human being to begin with?”
It’s setting a premise that, in this regard, a decent human being would be open to dating someone with children & if not they must not be a decent human being. That’s ridiculous! Perhaps the person wants to start their own family and doesn’t want one that’s not ready made. That’s their right.
Part of the problem is that there’s an attitude of entitlement with this stuff. Single parents, like any other adult, are not entitled to a mate whether short or long term. Getting angry with those who choose a person with no children and using manipulative means to get someone shows that they’re terrible people. You can’t expect anything substantial to possibly grow if you only see people as utilities and not actual people. Yes, if you have to resort to lying/omitting info and using other means of manipulation to get a date/mate then you are foul. How can someone get to know the real you if you lie?
For me, it would be a turn off if a woman I met lied about not having children. Not only would I look at her as a liar but I’d also question her love for her children. That’s a disrespect to her children. If a person truly loved their kids they wouldn’t act as if they didn’t exist. I wouldn’t want a woman like that as a potential mate. Children are a blessing and didn’t choose to be here. Terrible to lie like that.
At the end of the day, people have to learn how to have self love and be comfortable with who they are and where they stand. While I don’t prefer women with children, I have respect for a woman who may show interest but is upfront. It shows me she has integrity and loves her child/children. Liars I have no respect for.
Hello Kenny I agree totally to your comment.To lie about your children is crazy and that would make you question what kind of mother is she.And it goes both ways.I can’t never trust anyone that lies.I can’t trust a man that lies about being married and his children.I can’t see myself staying in that relationship.Sorry I don’t have a pic so you can see who is messaging you!I see this post was year “2020”.
I happened to see this while surfing the web because once again I am considering online dating and this has been a problem when I have done online dating. I decided a long time ago I never wanted to be a mother, just not something I have any interest in. This doesn’t make me a horrible person, I do a lot for others, including being a volunteer religious education teacher for years.
Because I don’t want to be a mother, I don’t want to be a stepmother or stepgrandmother. I put this in my profiles but so many single dads get so offended. At least though they are being honest they have kids, I have met guys who claimed no kids only to find out they are dads. Luckily these are short but what if they weren’t? They are liars and what else are they lying about, perhaps a long criminal record or that they are still married?
There is no reason not to be honest. Sure it might turn off people but it’s better to turn off people not compatible than date months, even years, become serious to the point of talking marriage/long term then spring this on them and see hurt.