The Habit of Parental Lies: Harmless or Harmful?
Let’s admit it: parents lie to their children every day. From the moment children enter the world, parents become the greatest perpetrators of well-intentioned falsehoods. If you doubt this, watch an episode of American Idol, where countless hopefuls, devoid of talent, showcase their “singing skills” because a parent assured them they could sing—and sing well. While this makes for entertaining television, it raises a serious question: are parental lies doing our children a disservice, or are they simply a kind gesture to boost confidence?
When it comes to lying to children, there are varying degrees of deception.
For young children, aged three or four, parents avoid curbing their enthusiasm or confidence by telling them they can’t do something or aren’t good at it. Early parenting is filled with praise for every milestone. We’re conditioned to tell our children that “anything is possible,” that “the world is their oyster,” and that with hard work and commitment, there’s nothing they can’t achieve. When they take their first wobbly steps, we cheer. During their first soccer game, we call them superstars, even awarding trophies despite their confusion on the field. When they bring home their first art project, we rave about its brilliance, even if we can’t decipher what it depicts. These lies, in the short term, are largely benign.
The Escalation of Deception
As children grow, the lies become more complex. Parents start concealing family issues, like drunken Uncle Charlie’s methamphetamine addiction or daddy’s drinking problem. They fib about financial struggles. These lies, often omissions, aim to shield children from life’s harsh realities, fostering a false sense of security. While well-intentioned, they remain falsehoods.
As children mature further, the lies evolve. When asked if mom or dad ever smoked marijuana, parents often deny it. Discussions about premarital sex, alcohol, respect, and performance are tinged with lies shaped by parental expectations. Many parents continue to inflate their children’s abilities, praising skills they clearly lack to bolster self-confidence and encouragement.
Then there are the convenient lies, like warning that eating boogers will cause worms, or that Santa won’t come if they’re naughty, or that police will arrest mommy if they don’t sit quietly in their car seat. There’s even the classic “if you make that face, it’ll freeze that way.” These fear-based lies, born out of exasperation, are effective but deceptive. (If you claim you’ve never used them, you’re probably lying.)
While parents weave these tales, they simultaneously preach “honesty is the best policy” to their children, creating a glaring double standard.
In January 2012, a Today Moms survey of 26,000 mothers revealed the extent of parental lying in North American homes. Over a third admitted to lying to their children, and more than two-thirds confessed to lying in front of them. Sociology experts suggest that lying in children’s presence is more detrimental to their development than the small, protective white lies told to spare their feelings.
Mothers, in particular, are prone to lying in front of their children. When a neighbor asks you to babysit their unruly child, you claim to have plans, signaling to your child to stay quiet. Or when your mother-in-law calls, you let it go to voicemail, later claiming you were outside playing with the kids. The list goes on.
The truth is, parents are liars. At some point, a child’s unexpected question, a frustrating situation, regret over your past, concern for their future, or investment in their present will prompt a lie. It’s also likely you’ll lie in front of your children to protect your privacy.
However, if your 15-year-old wants to audition for American Idol because you’ve exaggerated their singing talent for years, it’s time for honesty. It’s better for you to gently burst their bubble than to let them face public humiliation, which could damage their self-confidence and esteem far more than the truth from someone they trust.
