It’s an age-old problem: an older sibling who bullies their younger siblings. Even if they aren’t physically bigger, the eldest child often believes they’re justified in their domineering behavior toward their younger brothers and sisters. So, is it ever acceptable for a younger sibling to fight back? Or should parents intervene every time their children clash? Perhaps, just maybe, parents should allow younger children to stand up to the eldest and remind them that they’re just one of the kids.
I vividly recall the challenges of growing up with my older brother. He’s only nineteen months older, but he acted as though he were nineteen years my senior. He believed he was superior in every way, based solely on birth order, and his bossy, stubborn personality only amplified this. To make matters worse, he’s a rule-following, regimented, “old soul” type—essentially born an adult! I, on the other hand, am wild-hearted and free-spirited, and our personalities clashed terribly under the same roof.
I can’t recall a peaceful period in our relationship. It wasn’t until we both married and he and his family moved approximately 1,200 miles away that we finally became civil. We’re connected on social media but rarely talk or visit, and when we do, we keep things formal and amicable. My little brother, however? He and I are thick as thieves and always have been. We share similar personalities, and I don’t recall ever lording over him. This raises the question: Does sibling rivalry stem entirely from birth order, or is it purely a result of clashing personalities?
Exploring the Roots of Sibling Rivalry
I believe sibling rivalry is a mix of both factors, with many other influences at play. It’s also entirely normal. Like any relationship, there will be moments of tension or conflict—such is life. But when is enough enough? When is it acceptable for a younger sibling to push back against a bullying older sibling?
Part of the issue in older sibling/younger sibling dynamics is that parents often give the eldest significant responsibility and authority over their younger siblings. The oldest is typically appointed a “third parent,” tasked with cleaning up after their siblings, babysitting once old enough, or teaching them skills like tying shoes or riding a bike without training wheels. This fosters leadership qualities and a sense of responsibility in the eldest that younger siblings may not develop, having been coddled by their big brother or sister.
The problem arises when many first-born children resent these roles, leading to bitterness toward their younger siblings. Younger siblings, in turn, resent the eldest for bossing them around and exploiting their first-born status. Parents often fail to recognize (or overlook) the ill will this fosters, as they’re usually just grateful for the extra help from their eldest. Perhaps this free labor is why the first-born is often rewarded as the primary heir of their parents’ inheritance!
There are times when it’s appropriate for a younger sibling to seek revenge on an older sibling who has taken their family role too far. I recall the satisfaction of hanging out with my older brother’s friends during our tween and teen years, stealing their attention and driving him crazy. It was one of the few ways I could rattle his usually unflappable demeanor. Another time, I threw a punch after he pushed me too far with his tyranny—I couldn’t take another minute of it! My behavior wasn’t excusable, but at the time, unleashing sixteen years of pent-up frustration felt incredibly satisfying.
Now, as a parent of three daughters, I see this age-old issue of sibling rivalry unfolding before me. My eldest is undeniably brash and bossy. She’s three-and-a-half years older than my middle daughter, so her “leadership” over her younger siblings feels somewhat justified. There are times when she pushes too far, and I let things play out without intervening. However, my youngest daughter, in particular, could cause real harm if I didn’t step in. She’s a kicker, and though small, she’s mighty. I don’t think kicking is acceptable.
Parents must be vigilant about nurturing the qualities of first-born children without allowing them to oppress their younger siblings. We must lead by example. If we’re unjustly harsh to our eldest, they’ll mirror that behavior with their siblings. Likewise, we need to foster healthy assertiveness and self-preservation in our younger children without letting them become insufferable or overly vigilant.
I hold onto hope that one day, when my daughters are grown, they’ll be civil with one another, as my older brother and I now are. Better yet, I hope they outgrow their sibling rivalry and become great friends. I know my eldest will always feel a sense of authority over her younger sisters, but I hope I’m equipping them with the tools to stand up for themselves—whether against their sister or anyone else who oversteps. In the meantime, I’ll keep breaking up their fights. Well, most of them, anyway.
