One of the loneliest feelings in a marriage is feeling unappreciated by your spouse. Sure, it’s perfectly normal as life moves forward to become distracted by the hustle and bustle of daily activities and mounting responsibilities. It’s even more common for couples to begin expecting certain things from each other without truly recognizing them as special.
For example, if your husband always brings home dinner on Friday nights, starts your morning with a cup of hot coffee, or knows exactly when it’s his turn to take the kids so you can enjoy a manicure or lunch with a friend—you may just begin to take these thoughtful gestures for granted. If your wife makes dinner every night and ensures your clothes are always clean, chances are you don’t give much thought to the effort she puts into it day in and day out. It’s also common for both partners to feel like they shouldn’t need to say thank you to one another or drop subtle hints of appreciation for all the little things they do for each other.
But, would it really hurt to say “thank you”?
Not because you have to, or because it’s Mother’s or Father’s Day, but simply because you want to reconnect with your spouse on a deeper level—one built on mutual respect and appreciation. A small “job well done” can go a long way in letting your spouse know that their little acts of kindness have not gone unnoticed.
In nearly every marital advice book ever written, one of the golden rules for a successful marriage is spousal appreciation. This doesn’t mean you need to do backflips, get on your hands and knees, or make elaborate boasts of thanks for everything your spouse does. Rather, it’s about offering an occasional “thank you” when you notice they’ve done something just for you—something they didn’t have to do but did out of the kindness of their heart. Even if it’s something they’ve done for you since the beginning of your relationship.
The reason appreciation is so important is simple but easy to overlook. When someone feels appreciated, they’re more likely to continue the behaviors that are being recognized. On the other hand, if your spouse is never given credit or appreciation for all they do, they will eventually become resentful. This resentment can lead to a discontinuation of the behaviors that show they care. Over time, this pattern can repeat and create an emotional disconnect, which, if left unaddressed, can destroy the marriage. Sadly, many couples assume their partner knows how they feel, and as a result, the verbal message goes undelivered.
The key to maintaining a healthy marriage is to avoid getting stuck in the habit of only expressing dissatisfaction. It’s easy to complain about things like a lack of intimacy, dirty dishes in the sink, or engaging in the “who does the most” war of the sexes. It’s also easy to act indifferent, angry, resentful, or tired. Yet, for many, it’s much harder to give the quick squeeze, the loving pat on the back, the playful wink, the kiss on the cheek, or the whispered “thank you” that could help keep the marriage thriving.
Many experts believe that marriages often get caught up in a battle of egos. Each spouse wants to feel appreciated for every little thing they do, and both want to feel they are putting in the most effort. The problem with this passive-aggressive mindset is that the ego only leaves room for one person. If you avoid saying “sorry,” “thank you,” or showing appreciation because you don’t want to come across as weak or needy, or because you want to make your partner feel guilty, you are robbing yourself of a much deeper, more fulfilling relationship.
A recent study showed that when a husband and wife kiss—even if they’ve been married for years—blood pressure is reduced, and stress-reducing hormones are released into the bloodstream. The same effect is felt when a couple simply holds hands, even if just for a moment. Imagine what could happen if these actions were accompanied by words of appreciation?
Bottom line: The human spirit craves to feel needed, loved, and appreciated.
A very interesting program designed to revive marriages is the 30-day challenge of being appreciative of your spouse at every moment. Sure, it sounds challenging. Essentially, it works by making the commitment to not speak negatively to or about each other for 30 days. Even if there’s an issue to discuss, it should be framed in positive terms.
For example, if your husband or wife always leaves the car on empty and you’re fed up about it, try approaching it like this: “Honey, I appreciate that you run so many errands for the family. Could you please remember to put gas in the car next time so I won’t be late for work?” By recognizing something you appreciate first and foremost about your spouse, and then changing the way you discuss challenges, you not only renew the marriage daily, but you also increase the likelihood of being heard and understood.
And look, if trying to be only positive seems like too much work, then try something simpler: say “thank you!” at least once a day for something your spouse does. You might be surprised by how quickly the sparks between you two begin to fly again.
