If you’re thinking about getting married, you’re probably trying to find ways to ensure that you and your partner are compatible. Here’s some news that you might not want to hear: the raw truth is that there’s no way to say for sure whether you and your significant other are compatible for the long term.
In the beginning of a relationship, everything seems easy. Sex is good, passion is high, and both partners are so busy trying to impress each other (hopefully) that they are always putting their best foot forward. It doesn’t matter whether you’ve been dating for 6 weeks, 6 months, or 6 years, or whether you live together or not—marriage changes things! Some of these changes are for the better, and others for the worse (hence the phrase “for better or worse”). No marriage compatibility test can accurately predict how well (or poorly) you will handle these changes.
No couple really knows what the road ahead holds or how their upbringing and core values will affect their life decisions down the line. The hope is that the two of you are able to recognize when compromise is necessary, when a change of heart is needed, and when letting go of being right (or wrong) is the only solution!
The Importance of Commitment and Communication
Don’t take the ring back or throw it away just yet! Despite all the grim statistics about divorce, there’s always hope. When you commit to one another, you should also make a commitment to yourselves to always remember how you feel in this moment and to do your best to apply hard work, integrity, and honesty to the marriage when necessary. If you do that, you have a great chance of surviving marital life unscathed.
Since you’re in the mood for a test, try taking this one! It won’t definitively tell you if you’re meant for each other, but it will hopefully uncover some of the situations, decisions, and obstacles that married life is sure to bring. If you answer the questions honestly, you might gain some insight into how your partner feels about important life issues. The questions are designed to open up a dialogue between the two of you rather than determine your future.
Your marriage compatibility test might serve as a way to improve communication and help you recognize areas in your life where you may encounter future challenges. Be honest with your answers!
- You haven’t had sex in 3 months! Is he/she cheating? Do you feel like your partner is no longer attracted to you? Do you begin to think about cheating? How long are you willing to go without sexual intimacy? (Now add a month or two to be realistic about what marriage can often bring!) What do you consider a normal sex life? What would you like to see your partner do sexually that they don’t do now?
- Surprise! Twins! (You never know.) You both have jobs, and suddenly your wife is put on bed rest. How do you pay the bills? Do you ask your parents for financial help? What if your parents help, but your partner’s parents refuse to? How do you cut back on spending? Is getting your hair or nails done, a gym membership, or premium cable channels a necessity? Can you find $500 a month to cut from your spending?
- Speaking of money, if one of you makes substantially more than the other, does that mean that person should have more say in how money is spent? Who will pay the bills? How much do you plan to save each month? RIGHT NOW! What’s your biggest complaint about your partner’s spending habits, and why?
- Finally, those twins are born! Stay home to raise them or use daycare? Who will take them to the doctor (which means missing work)? Will the grandparents play a significant role in childcare? Why or why not? Do they share a room or get their own? Do you suddenly feel like you need a bigger house? How will you decide who gets up with them at night? Formula or breastfeeding? Also, how much do you think these babies will cost you each month? How would you feel if one parent refused to change diapers?
- Whose job is it to take out the trash, feed the dogs, do the dishes & laundry, cut the grass, or clean the toilet? Who will do the grocery shopping? How do you think household chores should be divided? How did your parents divide household responsibilities, and did you agree with it? What household habits does your spouse have now that drive you crazy (not picking up after themselves, leaving laundry on the floor, not making the bed, toilet seat up, etc.)? BE HONEST.
- Holidays! Where do you go for the holidays? How do you decide? What are your pre-marital family rituals that you’re not willing to give up? What about creating your own traditions? What if the in-laws use guilt to manipulate your decision? Is there a way to make it fair? If you visit relatives out of town, do you stay with them or in a hotel? Why? (Think about this one.)
- Pets? Do you have them, and do they stay in the house or out?
- Religiously speaking, what is important to you? Where do you agree or disagree when it comes to faith? How will your children be raised in terms of faith? If you can’t come to a mutual decision, will you support your partner’s choice to follow their faith?
- Your twins are now 5, and they’re back-talking you. Do you spank? How are they disciplined? How were you disciplined as a child? Do both parents discipline equally, or is one the “heavy”? What if you disagree on how your spouse handles discipline? Are the children allowed to sleep in your bed? What about allowance & gifts—how much should they be given? Do they have chores?
- How do you fight? Is one person overly sensitive, or does one of you have a bad temper? Are things said that shouldn’t be, and how long will you be able to deal with that? Is divorce always an option, or is it more important to work things out? Who is the most passive-aggressive? Is there ever a time when your spouse doesn’t respect your space?
- Friends! How do you feel about your spouse’s friends? Which ones do you wish they didn’t have? How often should your spouse go out (without you) with their friends? Is one of you more jealous than the other, and how does that impact your level of trust? Think about this one! What are your thoughts about drinking when socializing? What about ex-lovers—are they allowed to be friends?
Hopefully, the two of you are still talking to each other. Questions like these can present scenarios that may or may not occur in your life. Marriage always takes some ironing out. When you go from dating to marriage, things will definitely be different, and those differences should be tolerated. Right now, you’re in the heat of your relationship! Eventually, that will settle down. We all start out saying that our marriages will never be like this or that—and then suddenly, life happens! Resiliency and flexibility are fundamental. Often, how resilient or flexible we are in certain situations depends on how we were raised and what we witnessed in our families before marriage.
Unfortunately, no two families are the same, which means that our thoughts, opinions, and feelings on many things in life will never be a perfect match. A marriage compatibility test will never tell you if your one and only will actually be your one and only, but it can give you insight into the way they think about matters of family. After all, after marriage, you are officially 100% family! Remember, when it comes to family, we often do things and act in ways that we would never do with others, including those we date.
