Marriage counseling is a heaven-sent strategy for saving marriages that are worth the monumental effort and emotional reshaping on the part of couples. No matter how insurmountable the barriers may seem, it’s the effort—and not the end result—that truly matters.
Counselor, oh Counselor, our marriage is about to fall.
Looks like I was mistaken; marriage isn’t a grand ball.
I say she spends my money, and she says I’m chasing skirts.
Okay, counselor, I agree our marriage has its bumps and quirks.
But methinks we ought to give it one last kick in the can,
Or else our dwindling assets will land on the frying pan.
Oh please, be quick, counselor, tell us what’s wrong,
Before we sign the papers and I’m left with no thong.
Marriage Counseling – The Need for Independent Opinion
P.T. Barnum once said that anyone who goes to a psychiatrist needs to have his head examined. We don’t believe that’s what marriage counseling is all about. A marriage counselor is not necessarily a therapist. They do not hypnotize couples or prescribe medication for those at each other’s throats day in and day out. A marriage counselor is first and foremost a listener, helping both husband and wife navigate the murky waters of tangled sentiments and feelings.
Marriage counselors can also act as therapists; they are trained to listen to the woes that arise from a burned-out marriage. Believe it or not, couples often transition from passionate lovers to the humdrum familiarity of middle-aged spouses.
In a way, Romeo and Juliet were fortunate souls because they died at the height of their passions. Their love was so intense that they’d rather die than be separated by their warring families. If the arrogance and stubbornness of their parents hadn’t interfered, we’re sure Romeo and Juliet would have sought the services of a marriage counselor by the time they reached their 40s, grappling with their own children’s partner choices.
Let’s face it, folks: we live in the “age of therapy.” If something’s not working, we need to have it fixed. We don’t care if it’s a quick fix or a slow one; the preference is for the instant, push-button solution.
If our unions are falling apart, we need marriage counseling—and we need it quickly—before we are accused of being “chicken,” throwing in the towel, or bowing out too soon.
We do have cynics among us. Some people just don’t believe in marriage counseling. “What do you mean, work on our relationship? If it isn’t working, that means love has flown over the cuckoo’s nest. It’s gone forever. The sooner we face it, the better for everyone concerned.”
Not quite, sir. There are benefits to marriage counseling. If it can prevent one more statistic from joining the ranks of divorce data, that’s an excellent sign. Why do we say excellent? Because that means the children can grow up normal, productive, and whole—not fragmented, broken, and resentful. Communities can’t flourish without happy children; they’re part of the human canvas.
When a marriage shows signs of failing and the love sparks no longer flicker, marriage counseling can be a life-saving ambulance. An experienced and empathetic independent party can help salvage the remnants of love and the marriage itself.
Marriage Counseling – A Unique Approach
One marriage therapist who has gathered interesting case histories of her clients has adopted a creative approach to helping couples regain their bearings with each other. She observes that when fighting couples make their first visit, both husband and wife are tense. In fact, she can almost see the facial twitches and the hostile gestures.
A husband and wife living in marital discord usually have a mental list of grievances against each other. They are blinded by years of resentment and frustration. Instead of encouraging them to recite their respective complaints, she asks questions like:
What attracted you to each other?
Do you remember when your eyes first met, and you knew you had to get to know each other better?
What was your first date like? Was it smooth, awkward, or a smashing success?
When was the point of no return in your relationship, meaning the moment you decided to share your lives together?
This therapist finds that these questions often work like a magic charm. The spouses smile, hesitantly at first, and then they begin to relax. It’s the recalling and remembering that brings warmth back into the room. She notes that the qualities that initially attracted couples to each other often turn out to be the same ones that cause stress in the marriage.
Dr. A. Pines (Keeping the Spark Alive, 1998) states that “most often it is the things that initially attract people to each other that eventually cause their burnout. A man who is attracted to a woman because of her strength and energy may later see her as controlling and hysterical. A woman who is drawn to a man for his generosity may eventually view him as a spendthrift.”
Marriage Counseling – Mobilizing Communities
Jennifer Daw wrote an article on saving marriages for the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, reporting that measures to prevent divorce at all costs are being promoted by state governments. While divorce rates are currently down, there remains a 40% to 50% chance that new marriages in the U.S. will end in divorce. This substantial percentage is cause for alarm, prompting state and local officials to mobilize community efforts to prevent marriages from going on the rocks.
Local governments are offering solutions such as making premarital counseling mandatory, extending waiting periods for marriage licenses, and enforcing community marriage covenants. Currently, ten states have legislated premarital counseling as an added measure to reduce divorce statistics: Arizona, Illinois, Iowa, Maryland, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Oregon, and Washington. Ms. Daw did not mention if pre-divorce counseling will also be mandatory soon.
Perhaps a more effective measure would be to focus on pre-divorce counseling instead of premarital counseling, as couples in love and about to marry may view counseling as unnecessary. As age creeps in, problems often predominate, and daily stress from children and work can lead marriages into shaky territory.
Marriage Counseling – Risks Involved
Some people believe that once marriages head for divorce courts, they become much harder to change. Spouses who have already contacted divorce lawyers often have little hope for marriage counseling.
Marriage counseling could also backfire. We are aware of married women who have been physically and sexually abused, so marriage counseling might serve as a band-aid for a marriage doomed from the start due to one spouse’s violent traits, necessitating a therapist or psychiatrist instead.
The effectiveness of marriage counseling has sparked debates over whether it is truly effective. Susan Gilbert noted that data indicates that 25% of couples are worse off a year after counseling, while 38% get divorced within four years of their counseling sessions. Part of the issue relates to the inadequate training of counselors and therapists, with some inadvertently hastening breakups instead of mending them.
Diane Sollee, a couples therapist who established Smart Marriages, remarked, “When I was a practicing therapist, I felt like a judge listening to each partner explain why the other was ruining the marriage. There was a lot of crying. Marriage education classes are more empowering.”
Is marriage counseling on the way out? We don’t think so, but marriage education classes seem to be a more viable alternative and can serve as a complement to marriage counseling sessions.
Oh counselor, counselor, what have you done?
My wife is once again a sweet, lovable, huggable bun!
