Marriage Help – Is it Time to Talk to a Counselor?

man and woman on a brown sofa

Need marriage help? Let the bells go cling-a-clang!

SOS! No, make that SOM—save our marriage.

When we have a tummy upset, we reach for over-the-counter aspirin. But when that tummy upset becomes chronic and begins to impact our quality of life, we ask for a prescription. If the aspirin and antibiotics don’t work and we’re still “messed up” inside, our next stop is the emergency ward. Thus begins a long path to recovery and wellness.

Marriage help is similar to seeking help for a tummy ache. You might have an argument one day, leaving you feeling all knotted up. Instead of reaching for the medicine chest, you either go for a walk to let off steam or begin a dialogue with your spouse.

However, it’s essential to know the difference. An afternoon argument is no reason to go around at the family reunion crying, “We need marriage help, help, help!” Keep your fights private. If you kiss and make up, and 24 hours later decide it was just one of those silly quarrels, there’s no need to call the Coast Guard, okay?

But, if the argument keeps repeating itself and you’re rehashing old accusations, then maybe a stronger dose of help is needed. By “stronger dose,” we mean having a heart-to-heart with your spouse. If that doesn’t work, it’s time to involve a support network.

Count on Loved Ones

If you feel the need to talk about your feelings and insecurities, here are some support people you can turn to:

  • Your best friend
  • Your sister-in-law (or mother-in-law, if you get along)
  • Your sister, brother, or older cousin
  • Your parish priest
  • Your parents

We’re sure they will offer helpful advice, and it’s up to you to sift through that advice and test which one works best for you. Sometimes, when there are bumps in a marriage, a third party’s input can provide a more objective perspective. It may be embarrassing, but your parents will likely understand exactly what you’re going through and be able to empathize. They might even share, “Oh goodness, your mother and I had the same problem when you were little!” What feels like a mountain to you could be a mere molehill to someone else—parents seem to know best.

That said, not all of us are prepared to share marriage troubles with family. It’s a delicate and private matter. If the “state of the union” isn’t what it used to be, then the next step is seeking a professional counselor. It’s crucial to consult someone experienced and properly trained. We’ve all heard stories where counselors gave advice that made things worse, and that’s the last thing you want—an inept, unfeeling counselor. What you need urgently is good marriage help. While not all counselors are the same, many have helped save marriages and can offer the tools necessary to find solutions without much difficulty.

Leaving Your Comfort Zone

One counselor who has worked with many couples shared that he learned a valuable lesson from his experiences: individuals who led sheltered lives and didn’t face many problems in their youth may not be fully aware of the challenges that marriage brings. Due to their sheltered upbringing, they might not know how to handle life’s detours. When panic sets in, they feel trapped in their marriage. Some of these individuals may also “look the other way” and pretend that nothing is wrong.

He often advises spouses to step outside their comfort zones if they want to grow and learn from their marriage. A daily routine eventually shapes our personalities and our approach to problems. Very few people welcome drastic change in their lives, because routine feels safe—it doesn’t challenge us or our marriage.

This “comfort zone” concept doesn’t just apply to marriage; it affects other areas of our lives too—work, community, church, and social networks. The phrase “Why rock the boat?” is often expressed by those clinging to their comfort zones. Well, no risk, no gain. No discomfort, no progress. Without growth, we mentally stagnate; before we know it, we’re trapped in our own stagnation.

The counselor explained that stepping outside the comfort zone can feel like a daunting task, but these moments are when our ability to learn grows exponentially. We transform our latent potential into dynamic abilities, and along the way, we may surprise ourselves with our coping mechanisms.

Chin Up!

Transitioning from marital crisis to marital bliss is a long road, but it’s possible. It always takes two to tango, and if both partners are willing to explore the highs and lows of their marriage with a third party, they will reach their destination—even if it feels like all hope is lost along the way. Push yourself a little further, endure the pain, and tap into that inner strength.

Marital problems don’t have to be viewed as problems. Instead, consider them lesson plans that can be referenced when the same challenges resurface. Neil Armstrong—the first man on the moon—said that arriving in the most mysterious corner of the universe felt like a giant leap for mankind. It’s the same in marriage. Small steps can lead to giant leaps, but those steps require stepping out of our comfort zones.

Even success coaches remind us about the glass-half-full versus half-empty mentality. Attitude, with a capital “A!”

Marriage Help to Go?

We vowed to stay away from fast food a long time ago, but every now and then, we indulge in a generous helping of chicken wings. The greasier, the better. As we devour those crisp little wings, we’re reminded of the words of Dr. Ayala Pines, who wrote Keeping the Spark Alive: Preventing Burnout in Love and Marriage (1988). She says, “The difference, of course, lies in the balance between wings and roots. Couples who grow wings without roots (achieving individual self-actualization without their partner’s involvement or support, and without the security of a deep commitment to the relationship) end up flying apart because there’s nothing to hold them together. On the other hand, couples who grow only roots (deep commitment and security) without developing wings end up trapped in a stifling relationship, feeling hopeless and helpless.”

When the balance between wings and roots erodes the quality of a relationship, that’s when we need marriage help. Admitting we need help won’t earn us condemnation. Instead, we should be congratulated for acknowledging our struggles and seeking help. It shows our commitment to our spouse and to the relationship.

Most of all, it shows character.

Share:

Facebook
Twitter
Pinterest
LinkedIn

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.