She wants red walls in the living room; he wants dark brown. She wants a crystal chandelier; he wants brushed metal. She wants intimacy four times a week; he’s happy with once. She wants four children; he is satisfied with one. She wants a minivan; he wants a Hummer. In many ways, marriage is all about compromise. But it’s important to recognize the difference between compromise and sacrifice. For a marriage to thrive, couples need to learn how to compromise—giving and taking—without sacrificing completely for the sake of their spouse.
The Importance of Compromise in Marriage
When two people get married, almost every decision is made by the metaphorical “two heads instead of one.” This doesn’t mean one person’s opinion is more valid than the other’s. For instance, the dining room can’t have two chandeliers, so compromise is necessary. Let’s say you both have different chandelier preferences. Rather than one person sacrificing their dream fixture, you should both look for a chandelier that is mutually satisfying and works for both of you.
If only life’s biggest problems were about chandeliers and dinner plans. In marriage, nearly every decision and problem requires compromise. It’s virtually impossible for two people to agree on everything. Since marriage involves so many aspects of life, disagreements can be significant—like differing views on politics, religion, child-rearing, money, sex, or how much influence the in-laws should have. Unlike a chandelier, these issues can be “deal-breakers” and lead to serious conflicts if not handled well.
Compromise, Not Sacrifice
What happens in many relationships is that one person compromises because they’re unwilling to argue, often giving in or “caving” to make the other happy. This should be avoided! Instead, when a disagreement arises, both partners should sit down and talk about what is truly important to them. Each person should list three reasons why they hold their position. For example, write down why you want a specific chandelier. Then, share your reasons and listen to your partner’s, focusing on mutual understanding.
Don’t let one partner always be the “caver,” the one who says, “It doesn’t matter to me, do what you want.” If this happens, make sure to ask questions and listen actively to their point of view. If you’re the one constantly giving in, try to stop sacrificing your own desires so easily.
Instead of giving in, try making deals. For example, you’ll go to your husband’s work party if he takes you to the art exhibit over the weekend. This creates a win-win situation for both of you and prevents the need for anyone to sacrifice something important.
Marriage involves navigating competing ideals. The goal isn’t to change your partner or create a “my way or the highway” relationship but to keep communication open and honest. Sometimes, the issues you argue about aren’t important enough to hold a firm stance. When it truly matters, both partners should be able to compromise without sacrificing their core values.
