Marriage Should Not be a Constant Battle

In spite of the countless jokes about the “old ball and chain” and the many innuendos suggesting that matrimony is anything but bliss, there are millions of happily married couples who wouldn’t have their relationship status any other way. The truth is, the one relationship that should bring you the most happiness—the institution of marriage—should not be a constant battle. If you and your spouse feel like you’re constantly at odds and seem to disagree on nearly everything, you are not alone. However, take a moment to listen to these tips compiled from marriage experts that can help alleviate the stress and frustration caused by constant arguing and bickering.

First and foremost, recognize that incessantly fighting over trivial things or major issues is not helping anyone. What many people fail to understand, especially in marriage, is that if you continue to handle problems the same way, you’ll keep getting the same results. In other words, if you have a problem with your spouse and continually address it in the same manner, things won’t improve. The key is communication. The only way to stop the endless bickering and frustration is to make a firm decision to communicate effectively. Chances are, the minor things you’re fighting over aren’t even the real issues at hand. To save your marriage and break this cycle, you need to communicate honestly.

Secondly, understand that, aside from irreconcilable differences, constant fighting is harmful to your health, your spouse’s health, and even your children’s health. When couples are constantly bickering, the body produces pro-inflammatory cytokines in the blood, which are essential to your immune system, hormonal balance, and overall well-being. A study by the University of Ohio found that after an argument, “when a couple is obviously stressed, cytokines are produced more slowly. The morning after an argument, cytokines may elevate more than is healthy. Elevated levels of pro-inflammatory cytokines have been linked to various age-related diseases. Couples who demonstrated consistently higher levels of hostile behavior healed at 60% of the rate of low-hostile couples.”

This response occurs whenever you’re under stress. The problem is that, in a marriage constantly filled with tension, this stress response happens far more often. In fact, for couples who are constantly at odds, even the sight of their partner can trigger an imbalance in these blood proteins. In other words, you owe it to yourself and your family to fix the problem.

Here are some tips to improve your marriage:

1. As mentioned before, be honest! Sure, it’s frustrating when your wife pours grease down the kitchen sink for the umpteenth time, but is your reaction really warranted? And yes, your husband leaves the toilet seat up all the time, but is it worth a massive argument? Be honest about what you’re upset about, using statements that begin with “I.” For example, “I feel like you don’t care,” or “I feel like you’re taking me for granted,” or even “I feel so angry when you don’t listen to me.” Experts suggest that owning your statements and feelings makes it easier for your spouse to listen to you.
2. Lower your voice! Most people tune out when they’re yelled at. If you can’t talk to your spouse in a calm, normal tone, take a timeout until you can. Often, it’s not what you’re saying, but how you say it. Spouses are equals, and you shouldn’t be yelling or shouting at one another, especially if you want the other person to truly hear what you have to say.
3. Decide what the **real** issues are. Many couples fight about everything **except** the real issue. In marriage, there’s no room for egos, and your spouse is not a mind reader! While it may be easier to argue about trivial things, like leaving the dirty laundry on the floor, instead of addressing deeper issues (like feeling neglected or emotionally distant), it won’t get you anywhere.
4. Agree to disagree. Seriously. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you’ll always agree on everything. And that’s okay! Being right should not be the goal in a marriage. You and your spouse are different people, and it’s okay to disagree. If the disagreements involve serious issues, like child discipline or other sensitive topics, try to find a way to compromise. Too often, people assume that marriage and a wedding ring will change their partner. This is NOT the case. While you can’t change other people, you can change YOUR reaction to them. Disagreeing isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
5. When a couple is constantly battling, they forget how much they love each other. It’s easier to stay mad and hold grudges. However, a well-timed “I love you” can be incredibly healing. It only takes one person to end the cycle of marital fighting. In fact, if you said, “I don’t want to fight anymore, I love you, and I want us to be happy,” you might be surprised at the outcome.
6. Don’t view this “rough patch” as the end of the marriage. Instead, understand that marriage takes work. Constantly throwing around words like “divorce” or saying things like, “This isn’t working,” is a recipe for disaster. Chances are, that’s not really what you want anyway.
7. Get counseling. Having someone to mediate and LISTEN to both of you could be just what you need to get back on the same page. There is no shame in seeking marriage counseling. In fact, it’s much better to rely on a marriage counselor as a neutral third party than to lean on friends or family.
8. Be the first to initiate change. If you change your attitude and reaction, your spouse will change theirs as well. Okay, maybe not immediately, but soon enough. People can’t argue with themselves!

Marriage is meant to be fun and fulfilling. Often, it’s not our spouses who disappoint us, but rather the unrealistic expectations we carry in our hearts and minds. In a marriage, you need to be willing to let go of the small stuff and find amicable ways to communicate—with both your heart and your ego. Remember that you have a choice in your life. You can continue down the same nagging path or choose to turn over a new leaf and rekindle a satisfying, healthy relationship.