Five years into a marriage, the complaints from couple to couple are the same. While the scenarios may differ for each couple, the bottom line is that the excitement and passion in the relationship, once hot and intense, has cooled off into a sort of calm ambiance that rarely—if ever—involves crazy, wild sex! Men begin to think that foreplay is simply winking at their wife as they leave the bathroom, while women see “sexy” as actually taking a shower and shaving their armpits. Okay, so maybe it’s not that cliché, but married sex is definitely “let’s just say different.” To say the least. Even though it may be a tad disappointing, the truth is that very few people can maintain the level of intensity they set early on in a relationship (at least not without Viagra). Measuring the success of your relationship based on the intensity of your sex life will only ensure that you are never completely satisfied.
Just like the new car smell fades a year or so after owning the car of your dreams, so does the passion and novelty of making love to someone brand new in your life. After all, how long can it last? The initial stages of a relationship are all about mystery and excitement, but eventually, you get to know your partner all too well. Remember when you would never eat in your new car? Now there are probably French fries and coffee stains all over the interior. The same goes for making love to the same person over and over again. It gets old. It gets a little boring. Just like keeping up with the spotless interior of your new car becomes strenuous and nearly impossible to maintain, so does the excitement of a once-hot sexual relationship. Luckily, there is much more to marriage than just sex. It may be the fuel that gets you together or keeps you interested, and it can definitely be used as ammunition, but marriage is about more than sex. Thank goodness.
When Married Sex Becomes Routine
The complaints may be that married sex is no longer what it used to be. Many people grow tired of the old habits, sexual quirks, or hang-ups of their spouses. After ten years together, being with someone who still can’t stand to be naked in front of you seems a little silly. Sex can also become routine in a marriage. You know when, how, where, and why you’re going to have sex, and it becomes nothing more than something to check off your to-do list. When you’re tired, stressed, overwhelmed, exhausted, or have too many irons in the fire, sex can be left out altogether. It can be very difficult to broach the subject again without feeling awkward. After all, toddlers or babies who need to be fed and drain the life out of you take precedence, and sex becomes more of an afterthought. By the time you get to bed at night, there’s a good chance you’d rather close your eyes and go to sleep than endure yet another ten-minute encounter that leaves neither of you feeling particularly satisfied.
Even though married sex can become mundane, it is definitely worth engaging in. There’s a certain ebb and flow in couples’ sex lives, where sex flows in and out of their lives. When the sex tide comes in, you can quickly be reminded of how good it feels to be with your spouse in that way. When it rolls out, it can take with it the security—and sadly, the foundation—of the relationship. While many other parts of marriage are not just about you, sex is. Sex is about you and your spouse connecting in a way that makes both of you feel good. Some days you may not be able to let go of the fact that your husband doesn’t pick up his dirty clothes. Some days your husband may complain that missionary position is no longer his first choice. Being winked at or shaving armpits as a signal that you’re feeling your inner passion ignite may not be enough to bring back the carefree days of sexual encounters you had when you were dating.
The good news is that married sex can survive all of that. In many relationships, when the incredible sex and orgasms end, so does the communion. While that may be okay for a while, in marriage, it is about more than just having sex.
If your sex life is a source of dissatisfaction, chances are you need to remind yourself how important it is in your relationship. No matter what has come between you since you said your vows, it should be left completely out of the bedroom. If you’re mad at your spouse, then choose not to kiss them, but never allow your anger to divide your sex life. For many couples, having sex when they’re less than pleased with their spouse can be just enough of a “band-aid” to get them over the injury. Shallow? Absolutely not. Sex has, throughout the ages, been one of those acts that surpasses logic and doesn’t have to make sense. Giving over your body to your partner for the sheer pleasure of having an orgasm can be a powerful way to keep your marriage alive.
The other bit of advice is to change your mindset about sex. So what if your partner lasts five minutes? So what if your partner doesn’t want to be naked or doesn’t initiate it? Many things can change if you’re willing to think outside of your comfort zone and introduce them into the marriage. This isn’t to say that your partner will suddenly agree to a swingers’ lifestyle, but if you’re unhappy sexually, the blame has to be taken as your own. Teaching your partner about what feels good, how often is enough, and how to make sex a priority in your marriage is both your and your partner’s responsibility. If the lack of foreplay has you pretending to be asleep, then show your spouse what foreplay is all about. The mind is creative, and in your marriage, you don’t have to live up to or stay within any set boundaries. As a married couple, you have the freedom to partake in any sexual activities together that bring you both pleasure. So go for it.
The last bit of sexual wisdom to turn married sex around is to stop seeing it as something contingent upon your marriage. Instead, decide that you are a sexual being and that your needs and desires must be met. Use your spouse to do so and make it a priority in your life. If you don’t and allow your marriage to suffer the mother of all disconnects, you’ll find it very difficult to repair. Change the way you think about married sex and decide right now that it’s a good thing. Finally, you can be as honest as you want to be in the bedroom and out.
