Married to a Liar – Why is Your Spouse Lying?

What exactly does it mean to be a liar? Are you married to a liar when she says she paid the cable bill but didn’t, yet pays it the day before it’s due anyway? What if he says he was down at the local hangout with the guys but tells you he was working late? Is she a liar when she fakes it, or is he a liar when he says he doesn’t know, just to avoid an argument?

In the strictest sense, a liar is someone who either regularly or occasionally doesn’t tell the truth—whether to you or someone else. There are plenty of people who are perfectly honest with themselves but tell tall tales to others, trying to be impressive, gain acceptance, or hide their true selves because they simply don’t feel good enough.

It can be frustrating to live with someone who stretches the truth, bends it, or outright ignores it, creating their own version of reality. Even when the lies seem harmless, they’re not. Every lie is a dent in the armor of trust that forms the foundation of a healthy, honest relationship. Blissful contentment cannot exist when there is a shadow of doubt. Whether that doubt is about small things that shouldn’t really matter or about something as serious as faithfulness, doubt can quickly tear a relationship apart, reducing it to nothing more than yesterday’s fairy tales.

Whether you’re concerned about little lies or big lies, deception destroys the core of a marriage and needs to be addressed immediately, no matter how uncomfortable that conversation may be. The sooner you tackle it, the better. There may be a reason your spouse feels lying is easier than telling the truth, and uncovering that reason could actually make your marriage stronger.

The number one reason spouses lie is the sense that they can’t be honest. Honesty, when it isn’t what the other spouse wants to hear, often leads to arguments. Over time, it becomes easier to avoid the truth and say what’s convenient or non-confrontational. Of course, there’s always the age-old reason—not wanting to get caught doing something inappropriate.

Why Is Your Spouse Lying?

Lying can be a sign of a deeper issue, such as cheating, gambling, or having an emotional affair. If someone can’t be honest about their whereabouts, perhaps they are somewhere they shouldn’t be.

The most difficult part of being married to a liar is that dreaded moment when you must take your suspicions one step further—toward an accusation. This is not something you want to be wrong about. Thinking you might be married to someone who has become allergic to the truth is one thing; knowing for certain that your spouse is a liar is another. You don’t want to make false assumptions. If you only have your instincts to go on, proceed cautiously, but do address the situation. Ask lots of questions. Find out what’s really going on. Express your concerns and explain why you have doubts, leaving plenty of room for a genuine explanation.

Your goal is to open a line of dialogue, not to make accusations, throw out hurtful comments, or belittle your spouse for making you doubt them. If there is lying, it’s crucial to have an honest conversation about it. Attacking a liar, however, is likely to result in even more lies.

Trust can be repaired. It’s not always easy, but in many cases, trust marred by lies can be rebuilt. However, this requires commitment from both partners to reestablish the trust that’s been broken. If the lies were motivated by fear or convenience, honesty from both sides can help mend the damage. But if the lies were to cover up an affair, a dangerous habit, or something that threatens the family’s well-being, rebuilding trust can take time.

Some spouses feel that once trust has been shattered, that’s the end—it’s time to pack up and go. There’s nothing left to salvage. While it’s perfectly natural to feel this way, those emotions—anger and betrayal—are often driving that decision. These emotions are completely valid and understandable when you realize you are married to a liar. Often, expressing those feelings clearly and stating exactly how the lies have affected you can help start a more honest conversation.

Some people believe there’s no point in trying to have an open and honest conversation about why a spouse is lying. They feel that once the lie has been told, there’s no turning back. For some, even a single betrayal of trust is enough to end the relationship. This response is understandable, and in some ways, even commendable—because it shows how much value one partner places on the truth. However, here’s something to consider while you’re working through the shock, anger, and resentment:

We all lie. Every last one of us. We might only lie about small things, like saying we’re “fine” when someone casually asks how we’re doing. We might tell our spouse that dinner was perfect, even if we were secretly wishing for takeout halfway through. We pick our battles, sometimes pretending to be okay with something when we’re not. Occasionally, we embellish stories or gloss over events because our fragile minds can’t handle the truth. On some level, we are all liars.

What truly matters is what we lie about and why. No one tells the absolute truth all the time. If we did, we certainly wouldn’t have many friends—imagine telling someone they look like they’ve gained five pounds since last time! Being married to a liar is certainly not a rarity. How much untruth you are willing to accept, and how open you are to discussing these lies, will determine whether your relationship will thrive or falter.

Breaking through a lie means being willing not only to hear the truth but to accept it as part of your spouse’s reality. The road to healing is paved with honesty—however difficult it may be.