Not that we put a lot of stock in astrology, but every now and then, have you ever noticed that daily horoscopes will sometimes say things like “don’t play with fire,” “don’t make your flirting too obvious,” or “someone could be hurt by your extreme gaiety”?
One day, our horoscope read, “You may have cheated before and gotten away with it, but this time, you just might get caught.” Of course, we’re not married and never have been, but we felt like we were being accused of a social crime that we could not possibly commit. Unless, of course, it was referring to how we cheat on our diets by grabbing that innocent-looking bag of chips off the supermarket shelf one time too many.
A strange report appeared on cyberspace recently, saying that it’s difficult to come up with accurate statistics on cheaters. First, men tend to exaggerate their exploits, while women tend to downplay them. So if women downplay them, it suggests that they, too, are engaging in this “infidelity roulette,” but they don’t really want to talk about it.
There seems to be a contradiction, though. Married women who have cheated also admitted to being disinterested in sex, and that after a certain age, they’d rather do other “fun” things besides sex. Women are different from men in that they don’t see sex as essential for survival. They might think it does wonders for their complexion and mood, but some would rather go shopping than engage in an afternoon of lovemaking.
Men, on the other hand, can’t do without it. It’s the way they were made. Most of the time, we hear women say, “Oh, he’s so sweet and intelligent”; rarely do you hear a woman say, “Oh, he’s great in bed!” That last expression typically comes from a man’s mouth.
Taking “Good” Wives for Granted
Appearances can be deceiving. If husbands are too busy with work or their weekly night out with the guys, they might never notice what’s going on with their “good, traditional wife.” Oh sure, she spends her time baking muffins and frequenting the malls to check out the latest shoes and clothes, and she seems content enough playing the role of the settled housewife.
Does she cheat, or is she likely to cheat?
“My wife? You’ve got to be kidding. She’s as tame as can be. I trust her unconditionally.” Are you sure? You may want to think again.
Imagine you’re in the office eight hours a day, sometimes 12 hours during month-end. Then, on weekends, you play tennis or golf or have a beer with your friends. How much quality time have you spent with her this past week? When was the last time you took her out for dinner, surprised her with a nice gift or gesture, or told her how much she means to you and how much better your life has been since you married her?
Many social scientists who have studied the psychology of cheating wives (as well as detectives hired to find evidence of infidelity) say that sex is not the only factor that determines whether a woman will stray. She may be running low on the emotional side of things and may be lacking reassurances from her spouse. Very few men realize that a woman needs to be wooed, courted, and charmed frequently. All the sweet nothings you used to whisper in her ear shouldn’t stop after you put the wedding band on her finger. She may be your wife on paper, but emotionally, she could be drifting away. You should be aware of where her mind might wander.
You know, all that talk about marriage being a solid institution is just like a publicity stunt. If a copywriter were asked to create a brochure extolling the virtues of marriage, that copywriter would probably use words like “romantic,” “passionate,” “strong,” “resilient,” “robust,” “solid,” and “indestructible.” Sorry, fire your copywriter. They’re living in the dinosaur age.
Marriage, although it deserves the title of an institution, is actually more fragile than you think. You cohabit with your spouse 365 days a year. Of those 365 days, how many were good? How many were bad? And how many were characterized by a stinging argument or two?
Doctors Hendrix and Hunt (Receiving Love, 2004) said that the only way “to clean up the river of life is to go upriver and transform all intimate partnerships, and then parenting. Heal the splits in the individual, the couple, and the family, and then our social fabric will not be so split and torn.”
We see the social fabric being torn to shreds when little, insignificant infidelities are allowed to flourish. After a while, they don’t seem so insignificant anymore because they could lead to a more permanent rupture: divorce.
Signs of Married Women Who Cheat
Ruth Houston drew up a list of the top 10 signs of infidelity. Not that knowing them will necessarily prevent infidelity; she cautions against relying too heavily on these signs to accuse your mate. There are both outward and subtle signs. What we should worry about are the subtle ones.
Some of the outward signs of married women who cheat include:
Spending too much time in the office
You know your wife isn’t a corporate mogul. She holds a supervisory position that doesn’t really warrant staying late at work. It’s not like her job involves dealing with another time zone, like Hong Kong or New Zealand, where there’s a 12-hour difference.
Going to the gym—see you later!
You also know she’s always hated exercise. So why the sudden interest? And she’s losing weight steadily, changing her wardrobe entirely. What’s worse, you catch her smiling or giggling to herself. She’s happier now than she ever was.
Unexplainable absences
You thought you’d drop by her office and surprise her with lunch, but she’s not there. In fact, her colleague says she didn’t show up for work that morning. Or, she agrees to meet you at your son’s soccer game, but when you get there, you’re by yourself in the stands, and she never shows up.
Change password?
You can’t even get into her inbox anymore because she’s changed the password. You’ve caught her blanking out the screen whenever you walk into the room.
Out-of-town trips with girlfriends
A weekend shopping in New York? Fine. Apple-picking in Vermont for a long weekend? Sure. But she seems to be planning out-of-town trips more often now. She’s always said that her girlfriends bore her with their small talk. Why the sudden 180-degree turn?
Other signs might include strange charges on her credit card statement, a decrease in sexual activity, suspicious phone calls (“Wrong number, hon”), or her storming out of the house after picking a fight and being gone for hours. As Houston said, it’s not just the outward signs of infidelity; it’s the hidden signs—the ones you can’t quite define or pinpoint.
If your suspicions are nagging at you, do yourself a favor and ask her calmly. If she refuses to talk, maybe suggest counseling as a solution.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger, in her book Woman Power (2004), discussed the marital conflict factor. Having spoken to millions of women and listened to their tales of woe and love, she also learned about men in their most natural and raw states. Many men confided that when they married, they gave up their single life of dating and fooling around, which had been fun for a while. When they chose the path of marital commitment, they felt pride and joy in being husbands and fathers—the protectors of the home, the leaders, and the lovers. Yet, many of these men said the only time they were unhappy was when they felt marginalized and dismissed by their wives. Still, most of them would stay and suffer out of loyalty and obligation, believing that’s what a “real man” does.
But if their wives cheat, is that still the case? Should they silently suffer and take it with manly pride? Being marginalized is one thing, but being humiliated is an entirely different scenario.
What’s a man supposed to do then?
