Indeed, the worst part about being a parent is putting up with whining, fighting, groveling, fussy, and belligerent misbehaving kids. Going into parenthood, we had some idea that these days would happen. However, we probably figured that our stellar parenting style would always please our children, making them a breeze to handle. It doesn’t matter if you have one or four children; when they misbehave, they become a handful—something you didn’t bargain for. And chances are, the older they get, the more misbehaving parents will experience.
We can teach our children right from wrong, and we can give them a solid internal grasp of morality. We can preach responsibility and accountability, using language suited for toddlers or teenagers. But no matter how hard we try, we can be certain that they will bend, stretch, or test the rules and limitations. This doesn’t mean our children are bad; it just means they are constantly evolving and learning to adapt to a world that encompasses much more than just themselves.
Understanding Why Kids Misbehave
Most often, when children are acting out, they are trying to communicate feelings, worries, stress, or situations that seem incommunicable to them. Since they lack the tools or language to express themselves, their stress directly affects their behavior. Many kids don’t even know what it is they are stressed about. As adults, we learn to curb our attitudes and aggressions out of necessity, but children don’t always have that luxury.
Probably the first thing a parent should do when on the brink of insanity due to misbehaving kids is to get down to the child’s level—both physically and emotionally. This means getting on bended knee, reaching for their hands, or turning your face toward theirs so they know and feel that they are being attended to. The behavior may be wrong or bad, but the child never is. When we speak to a child, it’s important to make it clear that although their actions are undesirable, they have the power to change them. They are not bad kids. Stomping, screaming, or yelling back at a misbehaving child will only increase the emotional distance that the child is already feeling. No one likes to feel upset or caught in upheaval, so finding a way to distract the moment and allow the child to refocus is always a good idea. When the heat is taken out of the situation, the parent and child can calmly discuss the situation and the behavior in question.
If your child is constantly misbehaving, it’s likely time to take a long, serious look at the household dynamics. Children react differently to strife and are more likely to take emotional cues from us than from anyone else. Perhaps the child overheard a conversation or witnessed a spousal disagreement that makes them feel unsafe. Maybe they’re experiencing sibling rivalry or feeling as though they have no freedom. Sometimes, children act out during life changes, struggles with schoolwork, or when they feel unfulfilled. Misbehaving kids are often a sign that something in the emotional landscape of childhood is stirred up. If a parent only focuses on the child’s actions and not the source of their distress, the child will suffer with problems they may not know how to handle any other way than by misbehaving.
This doesn’t mean that parents are to blame when kids misbehave. There is little room for blame in families. What it does mean is that it is the parent’s responsibility to figure out why the child is misbehaving. If we approach them with aggression, immediate discipline, or anger, the child will likely shut down, adding to their emotional turmoil. If we can help our child talk early on in life and show them that they are respected and listened to, we will be able to more easily intervene when they misbehave.
Some children misbehave simply for attention or because they can. If they get away with it at home, they may not understand that their behavior is problematic. On the flip side, children also need the freedom to express themselves, and sometimes this involves misbehaving. Just like us, it is often advisable to let them cry it out or scream it out, offering support without taking offense, even if the behavior is directed at us. I’ve found that children who feel comfortable enough in their own homes to throw fits and speak their minds are enabled with a freedom of personality that doesn’t force them to always be perfect to be accepted.
Misbehaving kids are something all parents will face. How we handle them when they misbehave speaks volumes about how we handle them when they are the darling little angels of our dreams. Our role as adults is to give children solutions and choices to their behavior so that they can make informed decisions in the future, understanding that all their actions have consequences. Beyond that, our job is to love unconditionally, teach constantly, model appropriate behavior always, and invest in a high-quality set of earplugs or noise-canceling headphones for those times when we just need to tune out the chaos.
