One of the last things you want your daughter to say is, “Mom, I like a boy at school!” It’s ironic that when your daughter is 4 or 5 years old, and she comes home telling you about her “boyfriend,” you think it’s adorably cute. You might even invite the boy over for a playdate and take pictures of the two of them finger-painting together in art class. Fast forward a few years, though, and those same words can feel like a painful sting in the pit of your stomach, making you go weak in the knees. In that moment, you realize that life as you know it—raising daughters—is about to change. Considerably.
What you may not realize is how you handle this simple statement of ‘true love’ can play a major role in the way your daughter handles her relationships with boys. If you completely ‘freak out’ at her bold, but honest, confession of love, your daughter will immediately sense that she is doing something wrong. She may become defensive, and in that one moment, you could unintentionally turn your honest, forthright daughter into one who feels the need to hide things from you. Overreacting to the fact that your daughter likes a boy can severely damage the parent-child relationship and make her feel unaccepted by you. As a result, she may start lying or withholding information. This is definitely the worst thing you can do. (You can cry in your bedroom later when she’s not around.) For now, be accepting and open to all the information she wants to share with you.
Supporting Your Daughter Through Her First Crush
Think about it this way: It’s completely natural for your daughter to show an interest in the opposite sex at some point. Think back to your own childhood and the first boy you liked. While you might not be thrilled about her newfound interest, it’s important to remember that her feelings are completely natural. Secondly, your opinion of the boy doesn’t count—at least, not to her. It’s in your best interest to avoid being critical of him and not to immediately convey that you disapprove. If your daughter is admitting to you that she likes someone, you should be proud of the fact that she feels safe enough with you to share such intimate details of her life. The last thing you want to do is close her off completely and shut down her honesty—especially when it comes to the opposite sex!
Your next steps are critical as well. Remember that as a mother, you play a fundamental role in how she will handle her relationships with men. It’s essential that you ensure she doesn’t give up her friendships with girls just to be with the boy. Watch her behavior closely and look for signs that she is changing herself for her new boyfriend. If she is, don’t berate her or fight against the changes. Instead, offer her other options. Make sure she is still involved in her other interests and gently remind her, in the kindest way possible, that this boy is unlikely to be the man she marries. (She won’t believe you, but that’s okay.) Help her understand the importance of maintaining her other friendships and guide her in keeping them intact while she navigates her ‘new love.’
Also, make sure you listen when she talks about her boyfriends. Sure, you have a wealth of advice and knowledge about men and relationships, but you should share only what you want her to know. Her life and relationships will be different from yours—especially with your guidance. Just because your first boyfriend cheated on you with your best friend doesn’t mean that will happen to her. Listen to what she has to say. Ask questions. Find out what she likes about the boy so you can help her form healthy foundations for her future relationships. If she’s having problems with her boyfriend, don’t automatically take her side and label him a jerk. Not only is this problem likely temporary, but you also want her to learn that relationships take work and mutual understanding.
At some point, you knew this day would come when you had a daughter. Sure, you weren’t prepared for it when it happened, but no parent ever is. You must accept it. Your daughter has many things to learn about relationships, and you will see many boys come and go. As they do, try to help her understand what works in her relationships, and always nurture her confidence by accepting and trusting her. Believe that you’ve raised her to make smart decisions, and don’t be afraid to talk to her about difficult subjects like sex. She needs to hear these things from you.
Your daughter’s honesty speaks volumes about how she feels about her relationship with you. Not all girls come home and blurt out that they have a new boyfriend or that they like a boy at school. Since yours has, you should feel grateful for the relationship the two of you have and make every effort possible not to ruin it through non-acceptance. You may have thought she needed you when she was two, but the reality is that she needs you more now than ever.
