Your little girl is not so little anymore. She has been on dates with boys, and you are fairly certain that she has kissed a few. But have the romantic interludes stopped there? You and she have had “the talk,” and you are confident that she understands your position on the many dangers of having sex too young. She has a nice group of friends, and you haven’t seen anything that makes you think she is anything but virginal.
Then one day, she says, “Mom, I lost my virginity!”
According to many statistics, the average age at which a girl loses her virginity is 17. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report that 35% of high schoolers are sexually active, and around 13% of the female population loses their virginity as early as 15. For girls who lose their virginity at 15 and younger, statistics indicate that the vast majority are with males who are at least two years older. This age gap in relationships among teens plays a significant role in the age of virginity loss. In other words, if you allow your teen daughter to date an older male, the chances are higher that he will pressure her to have sex at a younger age. Sadly, around one in every four sexually active teens contracts a sexually transmitted disease within the first year of having intercourse. The good news is that the trend in the United States has been a decrease in teenage pregnancies since 1997.
One reason virginity loss is occurring at younger ages is that today’s Western teens are hitting puberty at least two years earlier than in previous generations. With puberty come sexual hormones. Still, just because they are maturing physically doesn’t mean their brains are more cognitively developed, which is why many teens make poor decisions.
The question is, once you know that your daughter is no longer a virgin, how do you respond?
According to experts, the key here is NOT to be judgmental. While you may feel dismayed, disappointed, angry, or even saddened that she has strayed from YOUR moral compass and teachings, the worst thing a mom can do is inhibit communication by making her teen feel judged. This is especially true when it comes to sex. The fact that she chose to be honest with you (or that you found out) is a good sign that there is a great deal of trust and openness in your relationship. This is also a good time for parents to reiterate their reasons for being against premarital or young sex and to ensure that your teenage daughter is taking the necessary precautions and has the proper education regarding her sexuality, sexual relationships, and the risks and dangers associated with them. Sure, the conversation may be awkward, filled with eye-rolling and signs of exasperation from your teen. But believe it or not, she IS listening!
This is also a good time to introduce her to another aspect of her womanhood by taking her to the OBGYN for a check-up. Considering the prevalence of teen sexually transmitted diseases and their potential impact on her future and fertility, it is important to ensure that she is healthy. When you take her to the OBGYN, you can also ask for advice on birth control. Many parents believe that offering birth control condones early sexual activity. However, what many parents fail to realize is that your child is likely to engage in it whether you like it or not—especially if she already has. So, it becomes in your best interest, as well as hers, to offer protection against pregnancy, which can negatively impact her young life.
It is important for parents to understand that the teen culture of relationships is very different from that of adults. Your child may fall in love with one person this week and two others the next. Is your daughter planning to have sex with everyone she thinks she loves? Does she have a measure for deciding with whom she will have sex in the future?
Teaching your teen daughter how to ensure she is in a healthy relationship (without abuse) is an important responsibility for parents. Planned Parenthood advises asking your daughter the following questions to open lines of communication that ensure she is with a male who truly respects her. Consider that, according to Planned Parenthood, one-third of females are in abusive relationships as teenagers.
- Do you talk openly about your feelings with each other?
- Are you able to work through disagreements?
- Do you listen to each other’s ideas?
- Are you proud of one another?
- Do you trust each other?
- Do you appreciate each other’s need for friends and family?
- Do you both admit when you’re wrong?
- Do you both forgive mistakes?
- Do you both compromise?
- Do you always feel safe around each other?
Remember that teenage girls can be easily swayed by older boys, and ultimately, you hold the permission slip that either allows or disallows a relationship. That said, just because you know your daughter has had sex doesn’t mean she should be confined to her room until she is 30. While the sexual relationship may have occurred too young for your liking, the bottom line is that shaming her will only lead to a negative self-image. Your number one priority should be ensuring that your daughter is safe. Do your best to make sure that she is in a safe relationship.
Growing up is hard! This is especially true for mothers of teens. Your top priority is to respond in a way that keeps the lines of communication open, because chances are this is one of the times in life when you will need to remain most vigilant and involved in her life.
