The lyrics of a song go, “Breaking up is hard to do,” but moving out is probably harder. No one takes breakups lightly, and leaving your spouse or favorite person is like losing a limb—make that two limbs.
Moving out is the next logical step after a breakup, and it usually comes with a sad finality. Moving out means you’re not leaving a trace of yourself behind because you take everything that belongs to you. It marks the end of your life with this other person and the beginning of your new life as a person alone. We hope it won’t be for long.
A “Moving” Story
We live in a condo building with eight units. A beautiful family lives in one of the larger units. The husband and wife are relatively young—probably in their mid-40s. They have two handsome sons. Everyone notices them because they change cars every year. Right after New Year’s, you’ll see the husband driving a new sports car, while the wife drives a more conservative car—like a fully-loaded Honda. They also have a luxury SUV, which they use when going out as a family or when the grandparents are in town. Each of the sons has his own car. There are more cars in the driveway than family members.
You could say this family has a love affair with cars—expensive cars, that is. Not one car lasts more than 12 months. Every January, a new fleet of cars appears in the garage. Since they have a two-car garage, the other three cars are parked outside.
The reason they can afford new sleek cars every year is that the man runs a successful plumbing company. They lead a very comfortable—and even enviable—lifestyle. They are friendly and well-liked by the neighbors.
Then one day…
Our next-door neighbor sent an email saying that the beautiful husband and wife were getting a divorce. Of course, we were shocked because, apart from being a beautiful family, they seemed like a happy family. The plan was for one son to live with the father, and the other with the mother.
It’s been quiet in their condo since we heard the news—a drastic change from the usual activity. We used to see the sons washing and polishing the cars, the husband doing landscaping, and the wife coming and going throughout the day. Since the breakup, it’s been very quiet—almost like the house has been abandoned.
Recently, we ran into the husband. We waved at him, and he smiled back—but it looked like a forced smile. He was carrying a load and putting it into his SUV. It was obvious: he was moving out.
Doing it with Grace
If you know that your significant other will be moving out eventually, don’t do what some really angry people do—throw the other person’s personal belongings in the front yard. It’s bad enough that you had the fight of the century, but finding one’s belongings strewn across the lawn adds insult to injury. We are civilized beings—or at least we like to think we are.
How Are You Moving Out? We’ve Got Some Suggestions for You:
- When the fight simmers down, announce when you intend to move out. This will give the other person the chance to look for another tenant (especially if you were paying half the rent).
- Always pay your share of the rent. If it was your decision to move out and you can afford it, do the decent thing and offer to pay half of next month’s rent. This way, the other person doesn’t feel the financial pressure of a breakup.
- If a spouse is moving out of the conjugal home, discuss mortgage issues and make arrangements regarding who will take responsibility for the mortgage and how payments will be split. Alternatively, you could come to a mutual agreement to buy out the other person’s share.
- If both of you bought furniture, appliances, and other items for the apartment or house, book an afternoon when you can both sit down and divide the items equitably. This way, you can’t be accused of hauling away things that aren’t yours.
- Once you’ve divided up what’s yours and what’s the other person’s, schedule a date and time for picking up your things. If you’re hiring a moving company, let the other person know. If you plan to take some items now and others a month later, inform them. No surprises. For example, don’t show up to pick up your stuff while she’s having friends over for dinner.
- Finally, offer to pay for your share of the utilities!
After You Move Out…
After moving out, you move on with your life. The times you shared with your once-loved one will replay in your mind like a movie that never ends. The pain and agony are real. Accept these emotions as part of the healing process. Some people even fall into depression (we know of one woman who almost committed suicide), but if you remind yourself that it could be worse and that people break up and move out of each other’s lives every day, your pain becomes more tolerable.
In the beginning, when the wounds are still fresh, you’ll say that goodbyes are easier said than done. We agree.
However, we insist that time is a wonderful healer of even the deepest of wounds. Want some tips on how to cope after moving out?
- Spend time with friends you couldn’t meet regularly while you were in an exclusive relationship. They’ll be glad to have you back. You might even be surprised that one of them is going through the same experience as you are.
- Take up a new hobby or resume an old one you gave up when you started living with your significant other. It won’t be easy, but you’ll need to push yourself. Don’t lose interest in life, because when you do, life loses interest in you.
- Do something for your community. When you’re single again, the tendency is to crave company and affection. To speed up your healing, stop those cravings; instead, think of all the underprivileged members of your community who could use a helping hand.
- Get some self-help books or join seminars/workshops for “single again” people. Reading about how others cope or talking to people who are in the same situation can lighten your emotional burden.
Yes, moving out is hard to do, and it may be the end of a relationship. But…it isn’t the end of YOU!