If you walk into your child’s bedroom and witness a conversation filled with gestures, emotion, and meaning—lacking only the presence of another visible human—you may find yourself thinking, “My child has an imaginary friend!” And you’re probably right. Initially, many parents believe their children create imaginary friends due to some kind of emotional lack. However, clinical research does not support this theory. Children often create imaginary friends for companionship, likely because they can. After all, if teens and adults began talking to imaginary people, they would quickly be medicated or institutionalized.
As parents, the best thing we can do is welcome these mystical companions into the family with open arms. This might mean setting an extra plate at dinner, laying out clothes for the friend, or allowing your child to take them to the store and buckle them in the car. Kids are quite perceptive and, by and large, understand that while their companion is fun to play with, they aren’t truly real. But parents must be careful never to speak of the imaginary friend in dismissive terms. Chastising or negotiating with a child about their imaginary friend can cause hurt feelings and bruised pride. It might be enough to tactfully point out, for example, when your child asks for two candy bars instead of one, that while you support their choice in friends, you’re not easily fooled.
Understanding the Role of Imaginary Friends
Once you accept the fact that your child has an imaginary friend, it’s time to learn more about them. Ask about their name, gender, likes and dislikes, what hurts their feelings, and even their dreams and ambitions. Your child, having created the friend, knows them best. Even more importantly, they may be using their imaginary friend to find their own voice in life. Through “Drop Dead Fred,” for example, you can gain valuable insight into your child’s heart and mind. Watching them role-play with their imaginary friend may reveal events that are meaningful to your child but not always accessible to you. For instance, if you notice your child acting out an incident that occurred at preschool, you’ll gain a deeper understanding of what it feels like to walk in their little shoes.
It can be tempting to use your child’s imaginary friend to your advantage. You might say, “Drop Dead Fred cleaned their room, why didn’t you?” But this only serves to take away your child’s sense of control. Many children will quickly remind you that their friend isn’t real or feel that their bossy parent has overstepped their bounds. When it comes to your child’s imaginary friend, allow them to be the boss (within reason, of course). Be careful not to accidentally “slam” their imaginary friend’s fingers in the car door or sit on them. Though it might feel silly to pretend with your child, this part of their life is real and crucial to their personal growth and confidence.
If your child has an imaginary friend, they may also be able to test limits and figure out the differences between right and wrong. At some point, they may try to blame their imaginary friend for breaking the glass bowl, spilling the milk, or stealing cookies from the jar. This is a good opportunity to introduce discussions about responsibility and morality, as well as impose appropriate consequences for their actions. Keep in mind, calling them a liar is hurtful—children are often aware when they’re fibbing. This moment can teach them that even when they do something wrong or tell a fib, they can correct their mistake through honesty and by doing the right thing. They’ll also learn that Mom and Dad won’t overreact. In fact, what children think their parents will do is usually far worse than what we actually do. It’s important to let children know that you won’t tolerate blaming invisible Izzy for all the wrongdoing at home.
If your child has an imaginary friend and you’re concerned, take heart. Child psychologists recommend intervening only if your child is unable to make real (meaning interactive) friends or shows a lack of interest in including physical human beings in their world. In these cases, a quick chat with the pediatrician may be helpful. However, it’s likely that your worries are unnecessary. A child’s imagination is a beautiful playground that should be thoroughly explored. We cannot encourage creativity, imagination, and cognitive thinking, then deny it when it doesn’t fit our definition of “normal.” Your child’s imaginary friend will likely appear between the ages of 2 and 3, and vanish just as quickly around the age of 5 or 6. However, the memory of this friend and the stories the family shares about the imaginary companion will likely last a lifetime!
