My Child is Not Going to Be a Rocket Scientist

Let’s be honest for a moment. There comes a time in many parents life when they realize that no matter how hard they try, their child is not going to be a rocket scientist. In a world with so much pressure to perform and excel, there are very few parents admitting that their child might be better suited for following in Spongebob’s footsteps and becoming a fry cook, then following in dads and becoming an engineer.

Is that really so bad?

After all, the world needs all sorts of people to function well. While the niche your child may be best suited for may not be your first choosing, isn’t it time ‘come to terms’ with your child’s true ability?

Following are the top reasons that you might be better off saving for retirement than for college! (And hey, the way things are going these days, this is sure to save you a ton of dough! Maybe you can have two retirement homes instead of one, just make sure one is at the beach!

  • Your child snacks on boogers. He might be sitting right next to a buffet filled with delicious food, but cannot keep his fingers out of his nose long enough to take a bite of anything else. Ask him what he wants for dinner, and he says, ‘boogers!’
  • Your child cannot win a shoe tying contest, even if the laces are made of Velcro but has been the reining champ of the burping (or farting) competition since toddlerhood, putting even adults to shame.
  • You have fluorescent orange duct tape on all of your glass doors and windows because your child is constantly running into them, thinking they are open. Ouch!
  • Cheerios in the toilet as a potty training tool turned into snack time rather than potty time in your home. Whose idea was it anyways to get kids to pee on food?
  • Given the opportunity and a few minutes alone, your child will fill their nose with M&M’s, pebbles, tic-tacs, or anything else small enough to fit up there. Perhaps this is why they are always eating their boogers.
  • Your child WANTS to play house. Really? What’s so great about cleaning and tending to short people anyways? Can they not see how miserable their parents are?
  • In the absence of crayons or markers, your child got creative and decided to use poop as an art tool. And worse, they have done this more than once.
  • Your child is prone to jumping OFF of things constantly, like the swing set, the back of the couch, the top bunk, the porch railing or the bathroom sink, and is seemingly surprised every time that they bonk their head.
  • Upon playing in the backyard (or playground) sandbox, your child finds a buried kitty poop and proceeds to play with it (or eat it) and when you try and take it away and wash his or her hands, she screams, ‘I want my candy bar back!’
  • Your child spends endless hours squashing ants for no real reason and would prefer to do this to spending time with kids his or her own age.
  • Your son tries to pee sitting down, or your little girl tries to pee standing up. Repeatedly.
  • Sitting in wet or muddy britches for hours on ends, refusing to be changed.
  • No matter how hot the French Fries, your child still tries to put them in his or her mouth. And they are 13.

And sadly, this is just the tip of the iceberg. There are definitely tell tale signs of blonde moments long before children get grown, that have nothing to do with their grades in school or ability to recite the alphabet. The truth is that some children are just born with a little more common sense. The same common sense that will either take them far, or keep them tailing you like a bad odor.

The worst part is that as a parent, it is painful to watch. You know your child isn’t that bright, and that however sweet, wonderful and kind they just aren’t going to be a rocket scientist. At least not on any rocket that you would want to ride.

And who really cares, despite the fact that they continuously hit themselves in the toe with the hammer, cannot match a pair of shoes to save their life and wear their clothes backwards long after it is deemed acceptable, you love them anyways.



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