It’s something that every parent worries about. Even if you don’t know for sure whether or not your little angel is having sex, chances are she is! I can remember back to my high school days, and even the goody-goody, straight-A students were flying under the radar and engaging in sex. The biggest difference between a pregnant teenager and one who is not is quite simply the fact that the pregnant one got caught in an unexpected, sudden, and alarming manner, while the other one has been lucky month after month.
As a parent, how you react and behave can make the biggest difference between your teenage daughter feeling like a failure or a letdown and her making responsible choices to rectify the situation. The key in any relationship with our children is to maintain some openness in our communication. When we fail to do this, teenagers will hide the truth and often wind up in dangerous situations, leading to botched abortions or a lack of prenatal care. Your teenage daughter is pregnant, and she needs you now more than ever.
Supporting Your Teen Through an Unexpected Pregnancy
Every family is different, and although most of us try to talk to our kids about premarital sex and pregnancy, few of us seem to be getting it right. With teenage pregnancies on the rise, more and more of our daughters face becoming parents at a young age. The times have changed drastically in the last 40 years since pregnant teenagers were whisked away to birth their children in secret. Today, we must face the situation head-on, from a reasonable point of view, and realize that, despite all of our words, tears, and advice, this child-to-be will become part of our life forever.
The best thing to do when your daughter tells you, or you find out somewhat unexpectedly, that she is pregnant is to give her a big hug. For that one single moment, treat her like another woman. Save the rampage, the hysterical tears, and gloom-and-doom feelings to be shared with your spouse or friends in private—not with your daughter. Allow her to feel safe in your arms and give her the softest place you can find in your heart to just be your child. Yes, you are angry, hurt, afraid, and disappointed—but she is too, and you, as the parent, must remain strong, open, relaxed, calm, fearless, and loving. Don’t ask her questions like who the father is or how far along she is. If you do things right, this will all be revealed in due time. Instead, offer compassion and support, remembering that, more than likely, she is already feeling punished enough. A teenage pregnancy is not the end of the world, but if handled without reason, it can swiftly sever a relationship with your daughter.
No one can offer advice or suggest solutions like abortion to you or your daughter because that is a personal, private, and totally individual decision for families to explore. Depending on your family’s core beliefs, this option may or may not be on the table. Regardless, no woman—especially our daughters—should be forced into a decision about abortion, and this should clearly be discussed with a third-party mediator. Many parents make the knee-jerk decision to get their daughter an abortion because they are working from a place of fear or shame. This is clearly not reason enough. Clear your head and give yourself and your daughter some time to think.
Once the shock of the situation is behind you, you’ll realize that you are not alone. There are many resources available to pregnant teens and their families. Admitting that your teenage daughter is pregnant is not a death sentence for anyone. It’s only natural to worry about your daughter’s future. Many pregnant teenage moms are successful, and with the help of supportive families, they can raise their children quite well. Decide what is important for her future and ensure that her educational needs are met. Empower her with kind words and offer to help as much as you can. Allow her to be responsible for her choices and to grow into herself so she can also be a good mom. Resist blame at all costs and give her a loving example of motherhood that she can carry on to her own children.
When others judge, and they will—react from a place inside you that doesn’t feel overwhelmed by what others think. Keep in mind that the same mother who begins to disallow her daughter from remaining friends with your daughter just doesn’t understand. Chances are, her daughter is having sex too. Until the situation comes up, there’s no real way to prepare or offer solutions. Also, understand that there’s a chance your own behavior may have contributed to your daughter’s pregnancy. Talking to our kids about sex, arming them with birth control, and making sure they feel comfortable sharing things with us is a paramount responsibility for parents.
Whether you want to know if your daughter and her boyfriend are having sex or not, you need to know. Yelling, screaming, punishing, jumping up and down, and restricting her will not stop her from doing it. So your best and only defense is to open up the subject. You can ensure that she maintains her youth and keeps her windows of opportunity open by preparing her for safe sex. It’s probably best in this category to err on the side of caution and talk to your children about sex as much as possible. I feel pretty strongly that at some point, it may be wise to admit that you did it too in order to build camaraderie between you and your daughter.
“My teenage daughter is pregnant” are not words that any parent wants to say or admit. Someday, though, you may have to. And if the time comes, remember that what you are discussing is actually about a little life. It isn’t about what someone did wrong anymore; it’s about how to make a life better. That little life may change your world as drastically as those words did, but chances are, your life will end up being enriched. It is not how we react when times are good that measures our character, but rather how we react when times are troublesome that tests our true strength. If your teenage daughter is, was, or might be pregnant, draw on your strengths and handle the situation accordingly. Unfortunately, we only have one chance to do the right thing.
