My Teenager is Dating a Loser

Young Love!
For parents, young love often feels like a hodgepodge of drama and mistakes, where adult insight is somehow overshadowed by teenage hormones and declarations of “love.” Here we have young people who can’t even get their rooms cleaned on time, can barely survive an hour without being glued to their cell phones, forget to do their homework, and still need to be reminded to brush their teeth. Yet, they somehow think they are mentally equipped to choose their own “partners.” As with most things, it’s the parents who are left shaking their heads, wondering why their teenager is dating such a loser.

The “loser” status of your teen’s new crush was likely clear the first time you met them. You noticed the unkempt hair, the cigarette lighter in their back pocket, and cringed when you heard them butcher the English language. You wondered how your child—who has been a straight-A student until now—could possibly want to be around someone who can’t even use prepositions correctly. Of course, as a parent, you also noticed their choice of clothing and immediately assumed this new person in your teen’s life was raised by a pack of wolves—or at least in a home without a washing machine. All this time, you thought your son or daughter was smarter than that and would choose people who would add substance to their life, not drag them down the food chain.

The question is, what should you do about it? Do you wait it out and hope that your teenager is simply dating a loser to make your skin crawl? Perhaps this is the teen version of a toddler drawing on newly painted walls with a Sharpie. Maybe it’s just a phase. Or maybe it’s a life experience your child needs to go through on their own to make better decisions next time. (And there will be a next time!)

Parents of teens are constantly trying to maintain the delicate balance of keeping the lines of communication open while instilling good values in their kids. As a parent, you know that if you say “NO” or dig in your heels, the possibility that they will sneak around behind your back or do what they want anyway—potentially putting themselves in danger—becomes much higher. And yet, despite the constant cries from your teen that you have no idea what you’re talking about, you know trouble when you see it. You’ve been there yourself.

How to Approach the Situation

The first piece of advice for parents who think their teen is dating a loser is this: don’t overreact immediately. You’ve spent years telling your child not to judge others and to accept people for who they are, not how they look. If you immediately jump in and call this person out, you’ll become a hypocrite in your teen’s eyes. And your stronger aversion to this person will often make your teen’s attraction to them even more exciting. That being said, you should sit down with your teen and establish a clear set of rules for the relationship. If you don’t think this kid comes from a healthy home environment, you need to give your teen an inch by allowing their new “friend” to come to your house—when YOU are home. This way, you’re not saying they can’t see the person, but rather that there are rules to follow. It’s a good idea to go over these rules in the presence of your child and their new partner. Often, if the new boyfriend or girlfriend thinks they’ve encountered overly strict or protective parents, they may move on. And so be it!

Secondly, if you feel that the kid is a threat to your child, involved in criminal behavior, or using drugs, you must put your foot down and end the relationship before it even starts. Explain to your teen—and their partner—that you will report any illegal activity to the police if the situation isn’t cleared up immediately. And if necessary, follow through. If you sense danger or illegal activities, it’s your responsibility as a parent to keep your teen safe. Do so by all means.

If the person seems fairly harmless, but you feel your son or daughter could do better in relationships, talk to your teen. Find out what it is about this new person that attracts them. Try to understand where they’re coming from. You should still set rules and boundaries, especially in the beginning of the relationship, and let time take its course. Often, parents get upset about relationships that last only a couple of weeks.

Another tip is for parents to do a little research on their own. Check out the kids your son or daughter is hanging out with on Facebook. Find out where they live. Ask friends, neighbors, teachers, and other parents about this new kid in your teen’s life. You might be surprised by how much information is available online. And by all means, remember it’s NOT an invasion of privacy for you to go through your child’s phone to ensure everything you see is appropriate for them. As long as you pay the bills (which 76% of parents do), you have every right to check their texts and online activity. Again, this is a parental responsibility, not an invasion of your teen’s privacy. Your number one role in their life is to keep them safe.

In the long run, your judgment and initial concerns are probably spot on. Hopefully, as long as you play the role of an understanding parent who doesn’t overreact, your teen will eventually realize they are dating under their standards. Don’t be afraid to talk candidly with your teen about what makes relationships healthy, and help them build the confidence to make wise decisions when it comes to choosing friends and partners!

Lastly, according to statistics from a Reuters survey, the average teen relationship lasts anywhere from 3 weeks to 4 months. Hopefully, if your teen is dating a “loser,” they’ll figure it out on their own, and the relationship will fall on the low end of the scale.