“‘Terd nugget!’ ‘Stupid!’ These are just two of the lovely synonyms my children have come up with for their siblings. Many of the others are too colorful to print or would make this page at least ‘R’ rated. And some days, every parent can admit that the endless name-calling and teasing among siblings becomes irritating enough that you might question why in the world you had children in the first place. Sound familiar?
Of course, parenting experts and psychologists agree that name-calling can, at times, become more than a spouting competition of words—it can border on emotional abuse. In fact, the U.S. Advisory Board on Child Abuse and Neglect (ABCAN) stated in their 1995 report: “There are tens of thousands of victims overwhelmed by lifelong psychological trauma, thousands of traumatized siblings and family members, who, as adults, continue to bear physical and psychological scars.” And it’s not hard to understand why.
For one thing, younger siblings often look up to their older brothers and sisters. Depending on your child’s personality, any negative comments from an older sibling can be taken to heart. When certain names and assertions are repeated enough, the younger sibling may start to believe them. Every time they make a mistake in life, they might hear the harsh words of a sibling calling them a ‘loser,’ and begin to question themselves. While this can also happen with older siblings being teased by younger siblings, the scenario is much less common.
Some large-scale studies have found that around 53 out of every 100 children experience either emotional or physical abuse by a sibling. Here’s the ironic part: many incidents that start with name-calling and escalate into physical conflict could be classified as domestic abuse if they occurred outside the home.
You might wonder if all this talk is a little too soft—after all, siblings fight. It’s true that you’d be hard-pressed to find a family with more than one child that doesn’t engage in verbal sparring from time to time. However, sometimes name-calling can go too far.
For example, when children are teased about their appearance, learning difficulties, or a disability, the words can have a much deeper impact. If they’re being called “dummy,” “stupid,” or “jerk” in a general sense, they might not take it too personally. But when a sibling targets a specific weakness—like bed-wetting or dyslexia—they’re crossing a line. In these cases, parents MUST step in.
Abusive verbal behavior is defined as any actions or words that serve to tear down someone’s self-respect and confidence. Yes, calling a sibling “stupid” might seem harmless in some contexts, but if it’s targeted at a weakness, it can be deeply damaging.
So What Can Parents Do About Name-Calling?
First and foremost, recognize when a disagreement is turning into something more harmful. It’s important to allow children to work out their differences and even defend themselves. But when the words exchanged become abusive, or when a younger sibling is being tormented by an older sibling, you need to step in. Be careful not to automatically take the younger child’s side without hearing both sides, as this can escalate sibling rivalry and name-calling.
Teach your children from a young age how to express their feelings. Sure, they’re angry during a name-calling war, but if you give them the tools to identify why they feel angry and help them address it, they might not resort to name-calling to “win” the argument. Be compassionate when a child is upset—if one sibling deleted content from another’s iPod, for example, it’s not the end of the world, but it’s important to recognize that the child feels their personal space has been violated. Teach both children the appropriate way to respond.
Also, never justify name-calling, no matter the situation. Instead, offer alternative ways to handle the conflict. Parents need to set clear boundaries in the home. Verbal warfare must be regulated. Make sure your children know what words are off-limits, and enforce consequences if these “no-no” words are used. But don’t forget—your children need room to argue and express themselves. Numerous child development studies show that children learn a great deal from interactions with their siblings and are often better able to navigate social situations as a result.
Last but not least, talk to your children. Move away from the “sticks and stones” mentality. The bottom line is that words do hurt! Name-calling may start innocently enough, but if left unchecked, it can escalate into something harmful or even abusive.
According to ABCAN: “Many people who have been tormented by a sibling can attest to the lifelong effects of childhood emotional abuse.” So, while sibling rivalry and name-calling may be a normal part of family dynamics, it’s important for parents to pay attention and recognize when it has crossed the line and become too much for your children to handle.
