Negotiating with children is like trying to swim against a riptide. It’s difficult, exhausting, and often a complete waste of time. Although, out of habit or a desire to please, many parents (myself included) negotiate everything from when it’s time to take a shower to the best way to complete math homework—the raw truth is that parents should always be calling the shots.
This may seem harsh, or even a bit arrogant—especially in today’s society, where we’re so consumed by the wants, whims, and needs of our children. We’re often afraid to ignore them for even a moment, lest we be blamed or guilted for their every future shortcoming. But let’s be honest: if parents are always negotiating with their children, kids will quickly learn that everything can be debated. Even when we fall back on classic parental phrases like “Because I said so” or “Because I’m the mom, that’s why,” children will still engage in a round of haggling. Tired, irritated, and eager to please, we often give in—only reinforcing the idea that we don’t always mean what we say.
If you can recall old black-and-white sitcoms like Leave it to Beaver or Happy Days, you’ll see just how far modern parenting has strayed. Back then, children had a defined role in the home: to be seen, not heard. They were sent to play in the yard for hours while parents chatted or sipped wine in the kitchen. Kids didn’t interrupt adult conversations, nor did they dare negotiate anything, fearing “the belt” or a long stint grounded in their room. While that level of rigidity may be extreme, today’s family dynamic has veered too far in the opposite direction—where the children often run the household. Much of that shift stems from our decision to negotiate everything with our kids. While some view it as empowering or character-building, it’s often just a way to disguise our reluctance to enforce boundaries, giving the false impression that our kids are above the rules.
In today’s world, many parents proudly claim to do everything for little Johnny and live every breath for precious Lucy—sacrificing outside interests and even marriages in the name of good parenting. It seems the modern definition of a “great parent” is someone who gives everything to their children without expecting anything in return. At the McDonald’s PlayPlace, we overhear parents saying, “Just one more time,” and then letting SuzyQ climb and slide eight more times. They laugh and giggle—until it’s really time to go, and then wonder why she’s screaming and running away. Most would agree that fewer children today show genuine respect or appreciation for the adults in their lives. There needs to be a healthy balance—one that allows parents to tend to their children’s emotional needs while still keeping the family structure intact.
The Value of Boundaries (and Limited Choices)
Okay—there is room for negotiation sometimes. A typical negotiation should look more like offering a structured choice. We all know children (especially teenagers) don’t yet have the brain development or experience to consistently make good decisions. But by giving them two acceptable options, they feel some control while still remaining within boundaries.
For example, if curfew is 10 PM and your teen wants to stay out until 11 PM, offer them a choice: either don’t go out at all or be home by 10 PM. Chances are, they’ll stay out later anyway—but that’s when the appropriate consequence (like grounding for a weekend or two) should come into play. That’s how responsibility is taught—and how children learn that the parents are in charge.
Younger children are born negotiators, even before they can speak. How many times have you seen a parent plead with their child to eat a certain food, then break down and say, “If you eat one bite of asparagus, you can have a cookie”? Predictably, the kid gags over the greens, swallows one bite, and happily devours the cookie—victory achieved. What did that negotiation really solve? If the rule is no dessert unless dinner is eaten, then no dessert should be given. Period.
Some of this may sound stern and far removed from the idealized version of parenting many of us strive for. But the truth is, kids need structure. They need parents to establish parameters—and to stick to them. If those boundaries are unclear or inconsistently enforced from a young age, children will constantly test and push them. While it can be helpful to involve kids in shaping some household expectations, the final say should always rest with the parents. If discussion is needed, parents should lead, listen, and ultimately do what they believe is right.
Whether or not you decide to negotiate with your children, rest assured they will try. And the more you give in, the stronger the riptide of parenting pulls you out to sea. Once you’re that far out, it can be tough to swim—or even float—your way back. In the end, parenting isn’t about being liked all the time. It’s about doing what’s right. Life rarely offers endless negotiation, and when it does, meaningful outcomes still require compromise. Perhaps teaching that lesson is the better use of our energy.
