You know it’s coming when you get the 2 a.m. phone call from your friend asking if they can crash at your place for the night. An argument has led one of them to believe that getting out of the house for the evening will fix everything. “Of course you can,” you reply, stumbling out of bed and preparing coffee, fully aware that it’s going to be a long night. After all, this is your friend.
But then, as quickly as the Arabica beans are ground, you realize with horror that both the “he” and the “she” in this troubled relationship are your friends. Your weary mind needs to sharpen up because anything you say can and will be used against you later. Offering marital advice to others should be done with caution, always keeping in mind that in times of emotional turmoil, your “friend” may be speaking out of anger or frustration rather than truth. Chances are, after they “make up,” all of this drama will be for nothing.
Be Cautious When Offering Marital Advice
Before you start playing armchair marriage counselor for others, keep in mind that matters of the heart and family are often blown out of proportion and seen through the cloudy lenses of love. In other words, the story you hear may not be the whole truth. It might feel true to the person telling it, but a basic rule of thumb when it comes to humans is that no one is completely honest. If they’re going on about the horrid words their spouse said to them, they may be leaving out the part where they threw their wedding ring down the toilet, insulted their spouse, and even hit them with a frying pan.
It always, no matter the situation or the person, takes two to fight. It also ALWAYS takes two to escalate a problem to the point where it could rival a Jerry Springer show. No matter how difficult it may be to keep your wealth of wisdom to yourself, do not pick sides. Instead, just listen intently, nod when necessary, offer coffee or wine as appropriate, and be there for support. Hold back, refrain from judgment, and try to think of your own marital arguments before harshly judging anyone else’s. This may be difficult, especially when they want you to commiserate, but truth be told, few people know the full details of another’s personal life. You might not know what kind of pain in the butt your friend might be to live with, which could be causing their spouse to snap. This way, when the situation calms down (which it will), you won’t regret anything you say or feel frustrated that your friend took back their “no-good-loser” of a spouse—especially after YOU told them to divorce them immediately. No harm, no foul.
Another thing to consider before offering marital advice is the impact of divorce on another person’s life. It’s easy for someone to tell another that divorce is the best option, that their personal happiness is the most important thing, and to sing the sweet tune of “life is about abundance, well-being, and freedom.” But it’s a whole different story when that person has to face the real consequences of divorce—financial devastation, single parenting, broken-hearted children, and stifled feelings of anger and resentment, which may eventually be turned on you. Yes, life should be good, and marriage should add something positive, but marriage is definitely not like two kids playing nice at the swing set. It is difficult, and sometimes the challenges people face in marriage are actually opportunities to better the relationship and the individuals involved. There is always something to learn from marital troubles, and no two people are perfect partners. Time can make someone a perfect spouse. Marriage is for better or worse, and even though that may sound cliché, it’s absolutely important to think back to the days when life together was simpler and love came easy. Perhaps when offering marital advice to others, that should be something to point out.
For the most part, few people like being told what to do or how they should handle their lives, and no matter how well-intentioned your marital advice is, it will likely fall on deaf ears once the storm blows over. In fact, even if someone asks you for advice or wants to know what you would do, your answer is not theirs. It can’t be, because what you would do in real life is quite possibly very different from what they should or can do. The only time your two cents is really worth anything is if the relationship is consistently abusive. This means one spouse is emotionally or physically abusing the other as part of the relationship. Then, unequivocally, advise for divorce. But remember, this is not the same as an argument that escalated unexpectedly one night when tensions were high and both parties became physical—this is real abuse.
Here’s the thing: Offering marital advice may be fun, may make you feel important, and may make you feel as though you’re being a good friend. It may be many things, but the bottom line is that it’s not your business. Being a friend means listening and supporting them, but also allowing them to own their decisions and take responsibility for their own actions in the relationship. While it’s nice to have people to depend on, opening your mouth and inserting your foot can ruin a friendship down the road. Chances are, whatever advice you give will not be heeded, and any criticism you offer of your friend’s spouse will be taken as an insult in a few weeks. So, perk the coffee, prepare the couch, and forget about trying to play the role of the “broken wing syndrome” advisor. Instead of telling them what they should do in their marriage, simply ask them what they think or how they feel. This keeps you neutral, maintaining a balance of friendship and accountability.
