Whenever you hear a three-year-old say things like, “Give me the freakin’ iPod,” you know (or at least hope) that older siblings are to blame. Sadly, being one of the older siblings in the household can put an abrupt halt to childhood as they knew it before the younger sibling came along. Suddenly, life becomes a series of unfair events that make them feel as though you love the other child more than your firstborn. In many ways, older siblings get the short end of the stick, and their plight in the family circle should at least be acknowledged and understood.
It’s just habit. When a baby or toddler is in the house, they are the squeaky wheel, and no doubt, they get the most grease. Even worse, the little rugrat can spoil the best of plans, making things more difficult for the older ones. The older siblings are often stuck with “hurry up and wait” from mom and dad, and since they don’t remember how much you oohed and aahed over them, they immediately feel jealous. The degree of jealousy can vary depending on the age difference between the older and younger siblings. Unfortunately, it doesn’t get better as the kids grow older.
The Dynamics of Growing Families
First, the older siblings start to notice how much time mom and everyone else spends on the baby. Where they used to be the apple of everyone’s eye, the new kid on the block now takes center stage. Grandparents are often the worst culprits, as they can’t resist holding a baby. Then, it becomes obvious that you’re buying the youngest kid new toys. You might take them out for ice cream while the older siblings are at school, and be warned—make sure there’s no Dairy Queen wrapper to be found in the car. If there is, you’ll never hear the end of it. It doesn’t matter that you used to do the same thing for them when they were little, or that you spent more money on their toys and clothes than you do on the younger siblings. No matter how hard you try to defend yourself, the older kids see things as they appear: You spend more time with the younger kids, make them wait longer, and even make them help take care of the younger ones from time to time. It’s sheer torture!
This brings up an important point. The family dynamic changes significantly when more children are born. Suddenly, the older kids become automatic babysitters so that mom can take a shower. They often have more chores and responsibilities that they directly associate with the younger siblings. Talk about sibling rivalry. Parents don’t mean to do it, but they need to realize how often this happens and understand that it was THEIR decision to have more children—not the older sibling’s idea. Yes, older siblings should help out, but many feel so pushed out of the loop that they become resentful, to say the least. If you notice a dip in their attitude or an increase in sassiness, chances are you might be expecting too much from them.
One way to keep the older siblings feeling special is to make sure you spend some alone time with just them. Take them shopping, to a theme park, or anywhere you can focus solely on them. Just like parents don’t always want to take small children along on every excursion, older siblings also enjoy having time away from the younger ones. Also, try to make sure that school events or activities where your older kids will be around their friends are completely free of little brothers and sisters. What makes it hard on the older siblings is that they enjoy having time with just you. They enjoy life without little sisters and brothers tagging along. This can make them feel guilty. Sure, they love their younger siblings, but think back to how much patience you’d have at 12 with a 3-year-old sister invading your space.
In many ways, life will never seem fair to the older siblings. They will always remember that the rules for them were tougher and more restrictive. Their curfews will be earlier than the curfews of the younger kids. You’ll allow your subsequent children to do things that you would have never let the older kids do. This is mostly because you’ve calmed down a bit and are no longer as neurotic. AND… it’s probably because you’ve realized some of the mistakes you made with the older kids and don’t want to repeat them. Combine that with the fact that your older kids turned out great, and you feel more confident in your parenting techniques. Of course, to older siblings, none of this feels fair.
Older and younger siblings rarely grow up in the same family environment. It’s interesting, but as adults, siblings rarely remember things the same way. The reason is that the older kids were born during one phase of your evolution as a parent, while the younger ones came along during another. Sure, they have the same parents, live in the same house, and share the same people—but their experiences were different, shaped by different sets of rules, circumstances, and emotions. It all depends on what’s going on at the time.
Whatever you do, make sure to thank the older siblings in your family from time to time. Go out of your way to treat them special and remind them constantly how much you doted on them when they were little. Usually, the first-born kids are treated like royal princes and princesses when they arrive. You spent every ounce of energy and every penny providing for them, probably spending endless hours rolling around the floor playing with blocks and toys. Now, the younger ones are carted around, and you’ve moved past the point of “playing mommy” all the time. Just remember, it’s not the older siblings’ fault. No matter what you do, nothing will ever feel fair. But if you’re creative and conscious of what the older siblings are going through, you can still make them feel very special!
