The short answer is yes.
However, many factors determine whether this is truly the case. Anytime a spouse gives part of themselves—emotionally, physically, or otherwise—to someone else, it’s wrong. Plain and simple. Yet, the specifics of the affair can deepen the hurt. Let’s explore…
Who
This is a big one. If the person your spouse is having an affair with is an acquaintance, friend, or family member of yours, it can be even more painful. You’re being betrayed by not just one, but two important people in your life. Discovering your cousin has been meeting your spouse behind your back is more devastating than if it were a stranger from a bar. This applies to both online and physical affairs, as you’ve been betrayed twice.
What
What exactly are your spouse and the other person engaging in? Are they expressing love and devotion, whispering sweet nothings, or texting inappropriate pictures in various stages of undress? Is it love or just lust? Which bothers you more? Are they secretly meeting up, pretending to travel for work when it’s really for pleasure? Are they planning to run away and elope? Has there been no physical contact at all, but their emotional bond is enough for the affair to continue? What happens—or doesn’t—can have a significant emotional impact on you. Some things can be forgiven, while others may not.
When
When did the affair start? Was it under your nose, or was it flaunted in front of you with flirtation and innuendo? Did it begin after a major life event, like the birth of a baby, or when your spouse was dealing with depression after a job loss? If your spouse spent late nights online, claiming it was “research” or “gaming,” but you later discover they were actually seeking a new love interest, that can be devastating. If a neighbor saw an opportunity to seduce your spouse while you were at work, that’s also heartbreaking. There’s never a good time for an affair to enter your life.
Where
Where was the affair taking place? An online affair with someone across the globe can be just as painful as one with the guy from the PTA. If your spouse is involved with someone in your own bed, it may be unforgivable. Running around town on dates as if they’re a married couple isn’t just humiliating for you; it’s arrogant on their part.
Why
This one’s the hardest: WHY? Why would your spouse cheat on you in the first place? What went wrong? Maybe you thought everything was fine. Maybe everything was fine, but the opportunity arose, and your spouse couldn’t resist the excitement of a potential romance. Perhaps they thought an online affair wasn’t really cheating—and maybe you feel that way too. Maybe your spouse was bored, or maybe you were. No sparks. No fire. Nothing. Maybe you tried counseling, and it didn’t work. Maybe there’s no reason at all, which makes it hurt even more.
How
How did you find out about the affair? Do you even want to know? Sometimes people can’t cover their tracks. Others are careless and leave a chat window open or forget to log out. Once you find out, how do you deal with the situation? Do you confront your spouse or the other person? It’s important to think this through before taking any actions that could harm your relationship further. Getting a neutral third party, such as a therapist or lawyer, involved may be wise.
If your spouse cheated—whether online or physically—can you move past it? Is there hope for your marriage? Can you forgive, or at least try to? Perhaps you no longer want to make it work. If that’s the case, consider your children’s feelings. Divorce can be emotionally damaging for children. If your spouse is truly repentant and asks for your forgiveness, consider it.
There are many questions surrounding adultery. Some people are chronic cheaters. You may not realize it until after you’ve married. Others may cheat during a low point in their life, seeking a way out. Some may have a midlife crisis and fear growing old with the same person. Regardless of why your spouse chooses to cheat, it’s never okay. Whether it’s online, physical, emotional, or for any other reason, it’s never okay. Marriage vows are sacred, and “for better or worse” and “‘til death do you part” mean something! Sadly, one spouse often takes vows more seriously than the other. Being betrayed hurts. Being cheated on hurts. And standing at the fork in the road, forced to make a decision that will affect the rest of your life and your children’s lives, hurts even more.
Affairs are painful, no matter the circumstances. Hopefully, this is something you won’t encounter in your marriage, either through your spouse or any temptation of your own. And if you do, I hope you can move past it for the sake of everyone involved.
