A recent study into why we are being inundated with so many recurrent cases of out-of-control children in society seems to speculate that the major reason is misplaced adult attention. The very acts that we, as parents, take to reassure our children are perhaps leading to our children becoming more and more entitled. This sense of entitlement causes them to throw fits, tantrums, scream, yell, act out aggressively, and become defiant with authority. The behavior that stems from an out-of-control child is most definitely a recipe for disaster, whether in the home or at preschool, and parents and children alike become unhappy in the process.
A child is considered out of control when their behavior is aggressive towards others or when they overwhelmingly display arrogant, rude, or defiant behavior over well-intended actions. Out-of-control children may bite others for no reason, throw kicking and screaming tantrums at will with no regard for their environment, spit, whine, cry incessantly, or implement manipulative measures to get their way. These children are far from the ‘yes sir, no sir’ level of manners that we commonly expect from children. But is it really our fault?
Does Attention Play a Key Role?
Far and wide, children react to attention. Early in life, this coveted attention comes from parental or adult figures in their lives. In infancy, they learn that when they cry, they will get a response. As they get older, they use their knowledge of crying and whining to provoke reactions in order to get more attention from us. What we have become programmed to do, for fear of letting our children down, is coddle and nurture that whininess and fussiness with emotions that we feel will validate them as loved. In actuality, we only further provoke more of the same. Children of all ages may not know how to ask for a hug or a little extra TLC, but they do know an effective means of making us jump—which can turn them into little out-of-control children in no time. Think about how many two-year-olds stand at mom’s feet, screaming “up, up, up,” with their hands outstretched for us to hold them. The longer they stand, the more hysterical they get until we pick them up! The more out-of-control they become, the more we react. Suppose we just ignored them?
That question was asked by a group of psychologists back in the early 1990s. It seems that as parents were being retrained on how to parent their children more compassionately, the out-of-control children epidemic began to take over. In a classroom study, children who were normally defiant, aggressive, and acted out boldly in class were ignored for a period of time when they misbehaved. After a few short days, they seemingly modified their own behavior because they were no longer getting attention (negative or positive) from the teachers. When the teachers resumed paying attention and even disciplining these children again in front of their peers, the out-of-control children’s behavior regressed to its normal state. Yes, one study doesn’t prove anything, but it should give all parents—especially those with out-of-control children—a good reason to pause.
Let’s be real for a minute. As busy as parents are today and as much as we try to pack into a year, we are all left feeling guilty about how much time we spend with our children. This guilt leads us to emotionally indulge issues with our children. Perhaps it is because the whining, crying, and out-of-control behavior make us feel needed. Or perhaps it is because we are afraid to correct our children, especially in light of all the new-age fluffy parental rules and regulations that we subconsciously follow. Our children need to know that they are loved, but this love does not need to be validated at the expense of all else. We end up not doing our children any favors by allowing them to get away with bad behavior. The “spare the rod” generation may not be spanking, but we aren’t really disciplining either. The truth is, it shows in our school systems and in our juvenile correctional institutions. Actually, it is even evident every time we walk into a store and see an out-of-control child yelling at their parents and throwing canned goods in the aisle because mom wouldn’t buy them a bag of Cheetos.
Chances are, if we have an out-of-control child, they will end up being a hellion during the teenage years and beyond. By then, it is almost too late to intervene or re-teach them life lessons that should have been learned by age 5. Two decades ago, parents believed that children were soft clay until around age 5 or 6 and that by 7, children were pretty much set in stone. This prompted our parents’ and grandparents’ generation to act quickly and often without the help of a parenting handbook or behaviorist. No wonder older people walk around saying how terrible our youth is. Nowadays, few even say thank you or hold the door open. All of that goes back to entitlement.
If we are faced with an out-of-control child in our home, there is nothing to lose by trying to approach it from a different angle. Your child will love you even if you don’t indulge in their fits, and you may end up finding more quality time together that can be enjoyed more happily. Attention is important for a child, but it is also crucial for a child to understand that they are not the center of the universe and that the whole world will not lie down to suit them. Mom and dad, sister and brother, friends, family, and other people also have an important place in life and deserve respect—always! When a child is out of control—spitting, throwing things, and acting like a raving maniac—it can be downright scary, especially when they are our own. But try to walk away from it and let the emotion roll off your back like water off a duck. When the child is calm again, addressing that behavior may just show them how they can earn your attention.
Parents dream of having children and exploring the special kind of relationship that can only come from our kids. This relationship takes a long time to unfold, and until they become adults, it is pivotal that we remain in charge and in control of what is going on. It is not as important to be liked and needed as it is to be strong and committed to raising a human who will one day be a responsible citizen of the world. If you have an out-of-control child, the time to make changes is definitely now, and if what you read or what pediatricians tell you isn’t working, then it is completely up to you to find a viable and loving solution. This should be attempted before medication. Parents know their children best and should always be confident in making decisions on their behalf.
