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Somewhere in this world, there is a brilliant psychologist who introduced the idea of “middle child syndrome.” Perhaps it was an attempt to earn extra money from parents struggling with their middle child. The truth is, it doesn’t take much figuring out, nor a degree in psychology, to understand what’s going on with the middle child. They aren’t the oldest, who gets tons of extra privileges, and they certainly aren’t the baby (although they weren’t long ago) who gets all the time and attention from mom and dad. So, who are they? They are the child stuck in the middle of other kids who are seemingly “special” by birth order alone. They are the ones who resent the baby and will do just about anything to make him or her cry, or try to sneak into the middle of the couch when dad is sitting next to the older kid. Unfortunately, parenting the middle child is no different than parenting any other child, and specific attention paid to their birth order will only create a problem where none should exist.
Parenting the Middle Child
Is the middle child different? Certainly, but no more so than any other child. By no fault of their own, they’ve been placed in the order where it’s easy to get overlooked. For this reason, they may tend to act up or strive to get attention, whether it’s negative or positive. But parenting them differently just because they are the middle child will only engage adults in what’s known as guilt parenting, which never produces good results. It’s a fact that every child needs to be parented a bit differently. No matter what parents say, they DO NOT have equal feelings about their children. Yes, they love them all and couldn’t imagine their life without them, but it’s only normal to resonate with the kids who are more like you or who identify with your innate emotional makeup. Even so, no two children (not even twins) are alike. To parent effectively and brilliantly, parents must adjust everything from the rules to their tone of voice in order to parent each child. This has absolutely nothing to do with birth order!
There is reason to assume that the middle child may have a slight identity crisis at times. After all, they have witnessed themselves being replaced by someone new, and as we all know, new babies are time suckers. However, it’s probably a healthy lesson to learn at some age that the entire world doesn’t revolve around one person. As parents, it’s easy to let each child know they are significant and special through simple words or actions that can make this whole “middle child syndrome” obsolete. If a child is not adjusting well to a new sibling or seems to fight constantly with the older one, it may be time to consider how well they are being supported and loved. Children of all types—birth orders, sun signs, genders, and personalities—react quickly to the simplest thing in the world: parental love and admiration! Whether you are parenting the middle child or the 6th (bless you!), proceed with love first.
More than likely, what parents with more than two children (meaning there is a middle) need help with is balancing the attention each child needs. It’s difficult to tend to every whim and request when the children begin to outnumber the adults, and many parents are just plain tired. By the time they’ve dealt with homework from the older kids and diaper changes and feedings of the baby, all they can think about is sleep or relaxation. The middle child deserves their spot. There really is no way to equalize time spent with each child, and it’s even harder to make a child realize what is fair and what isn’t, especially when there is an age difference. Whether it’s the oldest, middle, or youngest child who feels they are getting the short end of the stick, it has more to do with their emotions than their birth order. It makes no sense for a child to behave as the second or youngest for seven years and then suddenly, because a new child is born, take on qualities of “middle child syndrome.”
The best thing to do if you have a middle child (or any child) is to consider the amount of “maintenance time” they need to feel special. Make efforts to point out how they are unique and resist comparing them to the other children. It’s also important to remain excited about all the “firsts” of the middle child. For many families, the firsts with the first child are recorded and displayed in scrapbooks and pictures all over the house. When the second child comes along, some of that excitement fades, and parents realize there’s more to life than snapping pictures of their kids. Although this doesn’t necessarily apply to the middle child, chances are that by the time the third child arrives, they’re old enough to realize that mom and dad don’t have pictures of them on the potty or eating their first slice of watermelon.
Parenting the middle child doesn’t require any special resources or therapy to do well. Thinking about “middle child syndrome” only perpetuates it, and parents need to realize that most of their children’s personality traits and emotions were fairly inherent before the third kid came along. Perhaps they just didn’t feel the need to show it yet. Large families, or those with more than one child, actually allow their children to learn a lot about the world around them and how to deal with other people. Having siblings and feeling slighted from time to time helps children realize what a treasure it is to be with their parents and brothers or sisters. (It won’t last long, don’t worry!) What they are going through, how they behave, and how they feel about the world has nothing to do with their birth order. It’s a much grander picture of their personal makeup!
