Perhaps one of the most difficult parts of parenting twins occurs right after delivery. The miracle of a multiple birth, often a long and challenging journey throughout pregnancy and delivery, can quickly turn into an event worthy of a three-ring circus. Once the babies are born, there’s an overwhelming letdown. The mother, who has just endured a monumental experience, is seemingly forgotten and overlooked while everyone marvels over her children. In four out of every five cases of twin births, there is at least some minimal neonatal medical involvement, and almost as soon as they arrive, the babies are whisked away from their mother and taken over by gawking visitors, family, and hospital staff. Twins truly are a miracle, and it’s understandable that they draw so much attention, especially since they often have needs beyond those of a typical newborn. But there is a devastating effect on the parents—especially the mother—who, coupled with natural hormonal shifts, may feel overwhelmed and isolated.
The Guilt and Overwhelm of Parenting Twins
If you were to ask any parent of twins, they would no doubt tell you that guilt is a constant companion. The guilt of not being able to hold, nurse, or cuddle both babies at once. The guilt of not being able to enjoy the tranquility of the first few months as most parents do. The guilt of always feeling so busy in the beginning, trying to manipulate two babies into one schedule, leaving parents feeling immediately overwhelmed. Suddenly, the twins are eight months old, and the mother is wondering about her bond with them, exhausted by the work involved, and irritated by the outside world that treats her like a spectacle whenever she leaves the house. And yet, there’s more guilt. It almost feels like the world of new parents of twins is a constant battle against the ebb and flow of two children, each of whom needs to be treated as an individual but also requires a collective approach.
Another challenge faced by parents of twins is the constant, irritating comments from outsiders. It doesn’t matter whether the twins are the same gender or different; people feel the need to make ridiculous remarks. Perfect strangers seem comfortable approaching you, touching your babies, and then, as if punctuating their unsolicited advice, saying something that either misgenders one of your children or uses one of those dreadful clichés like “double trouble” or “got your hands full, don’t you?” And even worse, there’s the endless barrage of people telling you about their cousin’s sister’s brother who has twins, as if you care! You have shopping to do and naps to attend to, not to mention the actual needs of your babies.
As toddlerhood approaches, the fighting begins, and the temptation to favor one twin over the other grows. Each child is absolutely and totally different, so what works for one rarely works for the other. One of the biggest challenges of parenting twins is finding your balance as a parent—using a soft voice for the sensitive one, being stern with the one who pushes boundaries, offering chicken to one and broccoli to the other. It would be much easier to treat them the same, but that only leads to more tension. Comparisons are made, both in your mind and by others, who expect twins to be more alike than they really are. Teachers, for example, can’t mention one without also mentioning the other, as though their twin status should make them more similar.
There’s also the sheer volume of “stuff” involved. A to-do list that never leaves room for relaxation, along with a continued effort to bond with both children, leaves many parents of twins feeling as though they are constantly playing catch-up—never able to enjoy the bliss of having just one baby at a time.
Parenting Twins as They Grow Older
As twins get older, the challenges don’t necessarily get easier. When you have two kids of the same age, in the same house, with the same needs, it’s difficult to do something special for one without the other noticing. It’s also hard to have a private conversation with one twin without the other one sticking their nose in. As soon as they can talk or wave their hands in exasperation, twins learn phrases like “me too” or “what about me,” as if they’re the forgotten child being left out. More guilt!
Then there’s the financial burden of raising twins, which doubles the cost of everything. Diapers, child care, shoes, school supplies—right through to college tuition. This creates a huge responsibility and pressure for parents. Most parents of twins feel that their children didn’t choose to be born together, so it’s only fair that each of them deserves equal attention and opportunity in life.
Many people assume that parenting twins is easier because the children have a built-in playmate. Yes, this sometimes works out well, but as toddlers, it typically lasts for only about five minutes at a time. By the time they’re school age, the novelty wears off. With two children of the same age, both wanting the same toy (even if you have two of them) and living by the same rules, everything from who gets the Elmo plate to who uses the potty first becomes a struggle. When you pick one over the other, even if it’s based on common sense, there’s more guilt.
Twins are often acutely aware that they don’t get any alone time with certain family members. As they get older, they become more adept at using this shared experience to their advantage. Many people in their lives feel guilty about the attention twins receive, and this only feeds into their perception. However, there’s also a deep and unique bond that exists between twins—a connection that few, not even their parents, can fully understand. It’s a bond woven from need, dependence, jealousy, and love. Part of parenting twins is understanding that they need and want each other more than anyone else.
Unfortunately, twins also become competitive at a very early age. They can’t relax and enjoy a simple activity because they’re constantly worried about what the other twin is doing or getting. Whether it’s playing with a puzzle, watching a show, or doing something that makes people smile, they feel the deep need to outdo each other. This competition leads to frustration and aggression, as they struggle to express their feelings about the situation.
As pre-teens, twins often start wondering who mom and dad like more, why they had to be born together, and wishing they had some autonomy. They begin to break away from their twin identity and feel resentment toward the constant expectation that they should be ultra-close. They might look back at baby pictures and be upset that they were dressed alike or feel exploited by their parents, who made every twin-related stereotype a reality. And dating? You can imagine how challenging that might be.
The Unseen Blessings of Parenting Twins
On the other hand, parenting twins also involves witnessing remarkable moments of unselfishness. Out of necessity, twins learn to share and consider others. From a young age, they begin asking for two cookies or two lollipops. Even as teens, though they may enjoy spending time alone with one parent, they secretly hope that their twin won’t feel neglected. Twins may fight, but they also feel remorse when the other one gets in trouble. They form a bond that, for many, cannot be broken.
Parenting twins is definitely unlike any other form of parenting. It requires a strong will, the ability to resist guilt, and the willingness to throw the traditional parenting books out the window. The guilt lingers in a mother’s heart for years, even as she yearns for the opportunity to have held both babies constantly when they were infants. But as she watches them grow, it becomes clear that she did the best she could—finding balance between what needs to be done and what can wait. And through it all, amidst the hustle and bustle of life with two, the goal is to smile, laugh, and love as often as possible without allowing guilt to dictate the way you parent. Above all, that is the most difficult part of being a parent of twins.
