If you were to group together a bunch of parents and their children in one room, within an hour, you would likely be able to match up who belongs with whom. The old saying “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” is an understatement at best. The truth is that children learn how to behave, act, and deal with life situations primarily by watching their parents. If mom is constantly yelling and screaming at others or treats people with no respect, her children will likely do the same. If dad sits on the couch all day and doesn’t lift a finger to help with housework, chances are his son (and daughter) will grow up believing this is how people are supposed to act.
Parents must learn to lead by example. Leading by example doesn’t require perfection. In fact, if adults can learn from their mistakes and pass on those lessons to their children, the kids benefit greatly.
The Influence of Parental Behavior
If you consider your life with children for a moment, you’ll see that they have learned virtually everything from you. When kids are young, they are most often “parent pleasers,” delighting in following your example to do simple things like putting their dish in the sink, brushing their teeth, or saying “please” and “thank you” to others. And parents reward this behavior. As children get older and their interactions become more widespread, they become living mirrors of the behavior they see at home. It becomes less about pleasing their parents and more about mimicking the behaviors they’ve seen their parents utilize. Sadly, when parents act badly—which is all too common these days—they raise kids that act badly as well.
One of the easiest examples of parents acting badly in front of their children occurs at virtually every child’s sporting event, every day of the week. It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to understand why shows like Toddlers and Tiaras or Dance Moms have become so popular. These shows revolve around the concept of parents acting badly in front of their children—saying curse words, handling social situations poorly, judging others, and yelling. While these shows may be extreme, you would be hard-pressed to find a softball, baseball, or football parent who hasn’t witnessed parents behaving badly in front of their kids, both on and off the field.
The problem is that the kids, now accustomed to the “do as I say, not as I do” mentality, are watching mom and dad intently. They are learning to do things in the same manner at a young age. They hear you lying to your spouse. They see you cheating when a grocery clerk fails to ring up your order. They witness you drinking, smoking, and engaging in unhealthy habits.
Perhaps one of the most important areas where parents must lead by example is in regard to health. According to new research, children who have parents that are overweight are 80% more likely to suffer from childhood obesity, a growing problem in today’s world. The habits in the home, controlled and carried out by the parents, become the habits of the children as well. It is difficult to encourage your children to engage in exercise when all they ever see you do is sit on the couch and eat potato chips.
The same is true when it comes to hard work. Children watch how hard their parents work and develop their work ethic from them. If you want your child to be successful in life, it is important to show them firsthand that the key to success is hard work and dedication. Leading by example doesn’t require words. The lessons you teach your children by doing things the right way in their presence are far more lasting than the lessons you preach but don’t actually follow yourself.
Additionally, children need to see role models in their lives every day. Not only are parents role models for their own children, but they are also role models for other children as well. It is easy to forget, in the course of your life, that you are being watched and influencing the future of far more people than just those in your direct family circle. The kids at the baseball game who witnessed the parents getting into a brawl, or the girls cheering on the sidelines listening to two moms scream at each other, are all profoundly affected by your “adult” behavior.
And if you have seen some undesirable behavior from your children recently, you may want to take a closer look at the example you and the other adults in your child’s life are setting. Is it just a coincidence that you’re dealing with the same behavioral challenges you faced as a child, or is it a case of you leading by example and passing down negative behavior to your child? Last but not least, one of the most important life-enriching things you can do in the presence of your child is to admit when you’re wrong, apologize, and say, “I don’t know,” if you don’t. This way, your child realizes that you make mistakes, and that you don’t know everything, which will help them better accept themselves when they too make mistakes in life.
