Ten years have passed, and you and your parents haven’t spoken much. Not since that dreadful day when you had the argument neither of you could quite get over. You said things, they said things – and so it ended badly. Now, here you are, older and wiser, realizing that perhaps the time has come to let bygones be bygones and start patching things up with your folks.
Taking the First Step
How do you start? Can the two of you really get over the past, or whatever it was that separated you in the first place? Can – and should – fences be mended?
The reality is that if you have a family problem that has caused a dividing line between you and someone else, whether it’s your sibling or your mom and dad, the simple desire or inkling to patch things up means that you should try. If you often sit back in wonder or wish things were different, the only way to make a change is to create one. It may not be easy to let go of things from the past that you’ve held onto so tightly – like a balloon in the wind. However, the people in your life will not be here forever. The one thing we can be certain of is that someday, our loved ones will die. Living with the remorse that you never tried to patch things up, never tried to have a new relationship, can leave you in a dark place if something bad were to happen.
So, the first step is to try. Make the phone call. Do not worry about who is right or wrong. Don’t look backward. Call your folks and tell them you love them, and that you want to try and rebuild a relationship with them. Be certain that you are ready to close the chapter that separated you from your loved one in the first place so you can truly start anew. This means you must go forward, not expecting an apology, and not expecting to have to apologize.
Oftentimes, the hurts that linger the longest – the ones that become most deeply ingrained after years of silence or separation – are the hardest to heal from. This is why it’s so important to resign yourself to starting over.
How you reach out is up to you. It doesn’t matter if you mail a letter, send an email, drop by their house, or call them on the phone. In fact, you should do whatever feels best to you. For many people, writing things down – in a letter or email – is the easiest way to express what they mean without being caught off guard by how the other person might react. It can also encourage them to call you. In your written communication, you can ask if they would consider calling you, and make sure they have your phone number in case they want to reach out. This puts the responsibility on them and at least ensures that you initiated the mending of the relationship. If they don’t respond, you’ll know once and for all that you’ll have to let it go, forgive them, forgive yourself, and move on.
The one thing no one else can force you to do is stop loving someone, especially when it comes to your family. Just accept that if they do not respond, you will love them from that day forward, regrets and imperfections and all.
If you are working on rekindling a relationship with your parents, it’s also important to go in with little expectation. Often, it is our expectations of others – especially our parents – that cause the problem to begin with. When you start over, your expectations should not be high. In fact, you should decide to sit back and allow the relationship to take its natural course, without forcing your expectations of the way things should be on the other person. The relationship may never live up to the way you dreamed it would in your head. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be better than you ever expected either. Sometimes, the simpler we are with our expectations of others, the more they surprise us.
In so many ways, it’s funny how our family can seem so different from us. How the people who raised us can feel so out of sync with what we think they should be. After all, these folks are your family – your parents, the little sister you spent years squabbling with. How could things go so wrong? The more you love someone, the easier it is to get hurt by their words or actions. That being said, it can feel at first harder to forgive. In the long run, however, when you realize that your love is more important than your anger, frustration, or pain, they can also be the easiest people to forgive.
Life is short. If a reconciled relationship is what you want, then you should take it upon yourself to find a way to try and patch things up with your loved ones. In the end, not doing so – not trying – will cause you even more pain.
