Snoring. Leaving the toilet seat up. Neglecting chores. Driving styles. What to watch on TV. What to have for dinner. Noisiness. Certain time-consuming and/or expensive hobbies.
This is the stuff of petty arguments in marriage. Like a trickle of water that slowly erodes a rocky cliff, petty arguments can diminish a happy marriage over time. Nevertheless, having disputes about silly things is common between most husbands and wives.
It’s no wonder. Who in the world can spend as much time with someone as a married couple does and not get annoyed? Day in and day out, year after year, for decades, spouses are by each other’s side. Tempers are bound to flare. You’ve never heard anyone say they’d take their husband or wife with them if they had to be stranded on a desert island, have you? Without the ability to step away from one another now and then, married folks would probably end up committing murder. Breaks are necessary to keep things fresh.
Sometimes, constant bickering can be indicative of deeper resentment between two people. Instead of addressing the big issue, a husband and wife may spend all their time “taking each other’s inventory.” As soul-sucking as it is to perpetually be snarky with each other, it’s often easier than dredging up what’s really bothering us. Differing ideas about money management, clashing parenting styles, and questionable extramarital relationships can be deal-breakers—and many people don’t want to go down the long, arduous road of solving these tough, often awkward problems. Intervention by a licensed therapist or religious leader may be appropriate in these circumstances.
How to Navigate Petty Arguments with Grace
For couples who have very open, healthy communication, but just happen to engage in bickering, this behavior can be quite normal. If you’re going to have petty arguments—and let’s face it, you probably are—try to abide by these rules:
- Fight fair – No cheap shots! Maturely discuss your partner’s offending action rather than attacking their character. For example, say, “Would you mind wiping up your freshly shorn whiskers from the bathroom sink?” instead of “You are an ignorant slob!” Name-calling only puts your spouse on the defensive and causes resentment. Most of the time, people don’t even realize they’re doing something annoying and appreciate the heads-up.
- Be empathetic – Maybe your spouse had a really difficult day at work or is suffering from a headache. The last thing she wants to hear when she walks through the door is you complaining about what she threw into the crock pot that morning. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes and time your venting accordingly. It’s also wise to ask when a good time is to talk about what’s on your mind. Your spouse will be more receptive when you consider their emotional state.
- No ultimatums – No one likes being painted into a corner. Telling your partner they must comply with your demands or else is a foolish move. Making ultimatums turns one adult into a parent and the other into a child—dangerous territory for any couple.
- No fighting in front of the kids – Kids don’t understand innocent bickering. To them, Mom and Dad are being mean to each other, and it’s scary. No matter their age, it’s unfair to make children witness arguments. Show them how to constructively communicate differences instead. Protect their peace of mind.
- No fighting in public – Have you ever gone to the supermarket for a peaceful shopping trip only to hear the Bickersons argue about whether to buy rye or pumpernickel? No one wants to witness your inability to get along. Bring a shopping list—or buy both! Leave the pettiness at home.
- Don’t drag a third party in to take sides – Nothing makes things more awkward than involving a friend or family member in your argument. It puts them in a terrible position and can create lasting resentment. Keep others out of your business for everyone’s sake.
- Don’t withhold affection to get your way – This is immaturity at its worst. Withholding hugs or kisses to manipulate your partner is childish. Nothing breeds resentment faster than being given the cold shoulder as punishment. Be an adult. Communicate openly.
- Compromise – Meeting halfway is often easier than full surrender. If your spouse wants to see a historical romance and you’re leaning toward an action flick, pick something light and funny you’ll both enjoy. Save the action movie for a solo night out.
- Don’t go to bed mad – There’s no worse feeling than waking up angry. It’s like an emotional hangover. Let your last words of the day be “I love you,” no matter what happened earlier.
- Be nice to each other – It’s sad when people treat strangers with more kindness than their spouse. If you’re feeling irritated, pretend your partner *is* a stranger and speak with courtesy. You might be surprised at how effective this approach can be.
Petty arguments are a natural part of marriage. They’re often just our way of letting off steam to the one person we trust will still love us afterward. Keep that in mind and avoid taking that very special person for granted. Play by the rules—and you’ll both win!
