Life is what happens when you’re busy planning. This is perhaps truer than ever when you decide to start planning for a baby. From the first inkling of desire to the moment you admit it’s time to become a parent, your future quickly becomes uncertain. You find yourself led by an instinctive desire that can be difficult to understand, making you extremely vulnerable to life’s unpredictabilities. An old quote says, “When you decide to have a baby, you allow part of your heart to walk around outside of yourself.” While this is exciting, even the best-laid plans cannot fully prepare you for what lies ahead.
Still, we have become a society of planners. We seek the comfort and control that planning provides. Many people approach baby planning with the same diligence and checklists they use for planning vacations or retirement. Yet the simple truth is that you cannot always plan for life’s events. Alarmingly, statistics indicate that when it comes to human reproduction, pregnancy often happens whether we intend it or not. In fact, about two out of every three babies are conceived unintentionally. Moreover, half of all couples trying to conceive will experience some form of infertility, ranging from mild to severe.
While it’s wise to emotionally and financially prepare for a baby, the planning phase can seem endless when viewed through a statistician’s lens. Why? Because when you tally the costs of having and raising children, it becomes clear that few couples are ever truly ready. When you see it all on paper, within a clearly outlined pros and cons list, having children can seem daunting. This is why emotional planning is so vital.
Today, countless resources attempt to prepare parents for parenthood. However, most who have “been there, done that” will tell you that, despite their homework, they were never truly ready for how quickly things change once a baby arrives. People discuss the lack of sleep, but they often overlook the loss of intimacy that can occur between couples. They’ll highlight the expenses of raising kids but seldom include costs like braces, therapy, or sports. You may learn how to design a nursery but not how to agree on hot-button topics like religion or discipline. Your understanding of love will deepen immensely, but you won’t fully grasp it until you must use that love to let go as your child grows.
Planning for a baby isn’t just about childproofing your home and saving enough money for a comfort zone. It’s not merely about baby showers, buying the perfect house, or shopping for a minivan. This baby—the one thing that can connect couples more deeply than anything else—can also create significant divides. No matter how many classes you take, discussions you have, or how much premarital therapy you undergo, you can never truly know what lies ahead for your family.
If you studied tsunamis or volcanoes for a living, you might become consumed by the potential damage they can cause. Overthinking could even lead to a paralyzing fear of experiencing such disasters. The same is true for trying to plan for a baby. If you research too much, have every discussion, and check off every question, you may become hesitant to follow your instinct to procreate.
While planning ahead is beneficial, don’t gamble everything on what a baby will bring to your life. Moreover, planning for a baby is straightforward, but planning for a child who grows into a teenager and adult is far more complex. The hopes and dreams you attach to your plans today may be crushed by reality—whether it’s the first time your child says they hate you, wrecks a car, or lies. Countless unforeseen challenges arise when planning for a baby.
Perhaps the best approach is to remain open to having children. When the time is right, remove barriers like birth control and try to stay relaxed and receptive to letting your heart walk around outside of yourself. Instead of getting caught up in calculations or the pressures of a biological clock, open your mind and heart to the possibilities. Avoid attaching expectations to yourself, your partner, your friends, or your family regarding your decision to become a parent, and be ready for the twists and turns that can unexpectedly derail you.
Starting a family is undoubtedly a tough decision, and yes, planning and preparing are responsible actions. However, be ready for the unexpected—those things you can’t anticipate or rationalize if they occur. More importantly, prepare for the possibility that you might be among the millions who lack the luxury of planning for this life-changing event. Sometimes, life has plans of its own.
